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Are you bitter?

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Old 04-14-2008, 05:05 PM   #16
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Re: Are you bitter?

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Originally Posted by TheMalcolmConnection View Post
For people who agree (like SS) you know how hard it is to be the asshole. For me, I'd much rather take the hit and please people I'm in the middle of (mostly family and wife).

Right now, I'm in a tough spot with the wife and my dad. Basically, this year was the first year we've been married and my dad forgot her birthday (let me remind you we've been together nearly ten years) and she was really hurt.

In my life I can't remember one time I've called my dad out, so basically rather than that, I'd rather just suffer and let there be weirdness between my wife and my dad. Am I wrong in thinking that if she has a problem SHE should be the one to address it and not me or is that part of my husbandly duties?

Sure I can see her point, and he should have at least called her or something, but when she gets mad at people she basically cuts them off and thanks to that I've almost estranged a couple of formerly close family members.
IMO, I think your Dad should be given a pass on this one. I'm 34 and my own Dad doesn't call or send anything on my B-day (yeah i know wah wah but just making a point). As guys, occasionally we drop the ball and occasionally we should get a pass. You're Dad deserves a pass especially if he usually remembers her Bday.
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Old 04-14-2008, 05:09 PM   #17
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Re: Are you bitter?

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Originally Posted by TheMalcolmConnection View Post
For people who agree (like SS) you know how hard it is to be the asshole. For me, I'd much rather take the hit and please people I'm in the middle of (mostly family and wife).

Right now, I'm in a tough spot with the wife and my dad. Basically, this year was the first year we've been married and my dad forgot her birthday (let me remind you we've been together nearly ten years) and she was really hurt.

In my life I can't remember one time I've called my dad out, so basically rather than that, I'd rather just suffer and let there be weirdness between my wife and my dad. Am I wrong in thinking that if she has a problem SHE should be the one to address it and not me or is that part of my husbandly duties?

Sure I can see her point, and he should have at least called her or something, but when she gets mad at people she basically cuts them off and thanks to that I've almost estranged a couple of formerly close family members.
Your dad forgot her birthday and she is upset. I'm lucky and some how someone or something reminds me of my wife's birthday or it could go by and I would have no clue. If your father is single he is just doing what most guys do, forget. I think if you asked my father when my wifes birthday, his grand kids etc... he might remember one of the 4. If your father is single and her parents are married then remind her that her father has her mother to remember all those dates. I know thats how it works for me, my father, Father-in-law and my brother-in-law's. If we were not married we would miss 90% of them.
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Old 04-14-2008, 05:14 PM   #18
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Re: Are you bitter?

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Originally Posted by TheMalcolmConnection View Post
For people who agree (like SS) you know how hard it is to be the asshole. For me, I'd much rather take the hit and please people I'm in the middle of (mostly family and wife).

Right now, I'm in a tough spot with the wife and my dad. Basically, this year was the first year we've been married and my dad forgot her birthday (let me remind you we've been together nearly ten years) and she was really hurt.

In my life I can't remember one time I've called my dad out, so basically rather than that, I'd rather just suffer and let there be weirdness between my wife and my dad. Am I wrong in thinking that if she has a problem SHE should be the one to address it and not me or is that part of my husbandly duties?

Sure I can see her point, and he should have at least called her or something, but when she gets mad at people she basically cuts them off and thanks to that I've almost estranged a couple of formerly close family members.
Understandable. You're a "harmonizer" personality. Explains why you're fun to be around on the boards, because harmonizers are typically fun people. You try to keep everyone as happy as possible and keep everyone at peace and getting along. Sometimes at your own expense. My wife fits this personality type, so does my brother.

But you're in the proverbial rock and a hard place. If you go with your wife's wishes and call out your dad, you and your dad will have an awkward conversation (and possibly a verbal fight depending on how he takes it). If you protect your dad from your wife's ire by not saying anything, you irk your wife and potentially cause her to do crazy woman things like holding grudges against family members.

Either way sucks, so I say you stand up for what you believe in. One way to go is tell your wife to get over it and she's being ridiculous. Oh she'll be mad, and she'll withhold the sex, but explain that if people cut others off for forgetting birthdays, very few people would have any friends in this world. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her - but sh*t happens, and it'd be a good exercise in forgiveness if she forgot about it and moved on. You could ask her which she thinks is more likely, that he purposely slighted her a birthday acknowledgement or that he simply was preoccupied and flat out forgot? Or if you think your Dad really was being petty and was mad at her for something, tell him that he's too old for that sh*t and is just causing angst in your house (ie less sex for you). He'll understand, dads look out for their sons like that!
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Old 04-14-2008, 05:23 PM   #19
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Re: Are you bitter?

Send your wife a belated birthday card "signed" by your dad. Talk to your dad man to man and say "my wife was sad you forgot her birthday, don't worry though, I fixed it. If she asks about it, just go along with it..."

Kinda shady but all you care about is keeping the peace and getting as close to "before this happened" as possible.

OR

Tell your wife she's blowing this out of proportion, men work differently then women, blah blah blah. She'll be pissed but it will set the tone for how to handle future issues.
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Old 04-14-2008, 05:51 PM   #20
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Re: Are you bitter?

I'm bitter about 84% of the day. The other 16% of the time I'm either sleeping, eating, or plopping so I'm pretty content.
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Old 04-14-2008, 06:00 PM   #21
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Re: Are you bitter?

TMC - the one thing you don't mention in this is whether you've actually talked to your dad or not about this...no need to call him out, casually mention it in conversation. He probably feels bad about it, and might not know how to rectify the situation. No need to call him out...bust his balls about it a bit, but no need to make the situation worse. And if your wife can't accept an apology and let it go, then she's got issues to deal with.
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Old 04-14-2008, 09:28 PM   #22
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Re: Are you bitter?

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Originally Posted by ArtMonkDrillz View Post
I'm bitter about 84% of the day. The other 16% of the time I'm either sleeping, eating, or plopping so I'm pretty content.
I'm like that too, but I'd probably add playing Madden somewhere in there.
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Old 04-15-2008, 01:54 AM   #23
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Re: Are you bitter?

Yea TMC im a lot like you but I agree with schneed last post. You gotta tell your lady or your dad one of them is taking it too far. It will hurt you in the SR, but its better overall to get it out of the.

In the big picture it is such a small deal, IMO. First of all birthdays are overrated. Sure it is a great excuse to party and have fun, but who cares if you forget? It is just a day. I forget my family members bdays all the time. But does that mean I don't love them and I won't go to the end of the world for them? No. It just means I don't spend energy remember dates, but I spend time focusing on our relationships and the important aspects of that.
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Old 04-15-2008, 01:57 AM   #24
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Re: Are you bitter?

Next time you could do like I did and be proactive about it as the day approaches. "Yeah, so I'm looking for a gift because you know this Sunday is her birthday"
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Old 04-15-2008, 02:09 AM   #25
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Re: Are you bitter?

Getting upset over a birthday? That's just silly. Your wife is taking it too far. Time to pull up your skirt and announce who wears the pants in the house.


DISCLAIMER: saden1's advice is free. He is not a trained marriage consoler and can not be held liable for anything said in this post.
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Old 04-15-2008, 03:05 AM   #26
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Re: Are you bitter?

I'm bitter about the fact that FDR sold us out at Yalta.
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:54 AM   #27
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Re: Are you bitter?

Malcolm, i kind of had some of the same things go on in my family. no need to call him out, that just creates alot of friction. but your wife is bothered by this, it should be bothering you, too. she is your number one priority now. so he does need to be addressed. asking hm if he knew it was her b-day, or if he just forgot. but tread gently, because if you don't handle it correctly, you could start a family rift
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Old 04-15-2008, 08:06 AM   #28
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Re: Are you bitter?

People forget shit, it is nothing personal. I forget my own mother's (among other close family members) birthday sometimes. Does that mean that I love her (or them) any less?
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Old 04-15-2008, 09:56 AM   #29
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Re: Are you bitter?

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Originally Posted by dmek25 View Post
Malcolm, i kind of had some of the same things go on in my family. no need to call him out, that just creates alot of friction. but your wife is bothered by this, it should be bothering you, too. she is your number one priority now. so he does need to be addressed. asking hm if he knew it was her b-day, or if he just forgot. but tread gently, because if you don't handle it correctly, you could start a family rift
One of the problems with this though, because of TMC's harmonizing personality, eventually his wife is going to get frustrated with him (if she hasn't already) for not taking enough of a stand on her behalf. And this won't apply to just this situation. Anytime she gets fired up about something, she's going to want to see him on her side, showing her that he's willing to stand up for her because that shows love and respect. So if TMC treads too gently with his father, chances are that won't satisfy his wife. Maybe it will now, but down the road after more years of marriage, she's going to be asking him to stand up stronger for her.

When it comes down to it, this situation calls for taking a firm stand. I can't say which side is best to choose, but to continue treading gently around these issues is the worst course of action in my opinion. Now, firm stands don't have to involve yelling or being an asshole. He could simply say to his wife, "I don't agree with your being so upset over this. I think you should forget it and move on because forgetting a birthday isn't the end of the world. I'm not going to say anything to my dad about it, so please stop asking me." End of story. No negotiation. Firm stand.

Or he could say "Dad, you forgot my wife's birthday. She was pretty upset. Please try to remember next time because it makes her feel slighted." If he argues or complains or whatever, just say "Dad I'm just conveying to you the consequences of forgetting her birthday. She'll get upset, and then we'll all have a rift. The ball's in your court."

But continuing to let issues get swept under the rug is going to piss off the wife over time, and then you end up with a big rift between husband and wife.
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Old 04-15-2008, 10:08 AM   #30
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Re: Are you bitter?

TMC, do what you've gotta do to smooth things over. Otherwise it's going to blow up into something entirely different and something much worse as it festers over time.
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