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advice needed...

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Old 02-11-2009, 12:00 PM   #16
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Re: advice needed...

Lots of good advice here that I wont repeat. One thing to remember. Violence begets violence. Yes, maybe he hasn't been violent with the kids before but his tendency for violence towards his wife is an alarming indication. At any point he could be violent with the kids. At one point he loved (and may still) his wife very very much and now he has no problem roughing her up. The kids are next on the abuse train if something doesn't change.

She needs to have him served with a restraining order with the divorce proceedings.
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Old 02-11-2009, 12:24 PM   #17
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Re: advice needed...

Well life is short and you're going to have to make your own moves. This seems like a huge can of dung you're opening. If all of this drama makes you happy then fine. You've helped me. Everytime I hear stories like this I'm thankful that I'm a whore and wouldn't get married for anything.

What I'd do in your situation (didn't read it all) is to drop all of it, move to a nice place, and start over. Get a fresh start. I mean you're already getting a divorce, why jump back into the fire? You should just chill out for awhile and be content with being you. Give a year and then start looking for someone with no strings attached.

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Old 02-11-2009, 12:46 PM   #18
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Re: advice needed...

Hey man, I really wish you the best. It's going to be tough on you, and quite frankly, you may second guess your decision later on down the road. Even though you may not feel that way at the moment.

The kids are a huge deal, man. Just do right by them and let them know you aren't a perfect man, but you're going to do your best to be a good man to them. I mean, you should tell them this, not her, per se.

I guess if could throw in some more Monday morning quarterbacking, get alone to yourself every so often. You're going to need some mental space (not at the bar!) to adjust and transition. You're only as good to this family as you are to yourself.

HTTR!
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Old 02-11-2009, 12:58 PM   #19
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Re: advice needed...

I thought about it over lunch. To me it comes down to this. If you have to ask yourself if something is right or would seem bad in a custody case then that's your answer. If you question it even a little it means you shouldn't do it. This isn't some TV show in fantasy land. You're dealing with real people and real feelings. Be straight up honest about it and approach it with an attitude that you are ALWAYS going to do the exact right thing by everyone involved not matter how hard or inconvenient it is.
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Old 02-11-2009, 01:01 PM   #20
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Re: advice needed...

The more I think about this Julia Gulia seems like she is looking for a life line to help her get out of her bad situation. I think Trample has the right idea about getting out of dodge and fast. You need to get you right first before adding someone else espically if that someone else is bringing children along.

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Old 02-11-2009, 01:03 PM   #21
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by mredskins View Post
The more I think about this Julia Gulia seems like she is looking for a life line to help her get out of her bad situation. I think Trample has the right idea about getting out of dodge and fast. You need to get you right first before adding someone else espically if that someone else is bringing children along.

Ah, the almighty vagina, it makes us men do crazy things.
I bet somebody has that as a sig before the week is out.
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Old 02-11-2009, 02:36 PM   #22
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Re: advice needed...

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I'm not sure about CA but I think here in MD there is a thing called "abandonment". If her husband is dependent on her income(Even if he is depending on a combined income) this could be a problem. Finacially she is as liable as he is for their debt, i think.
What is this abandonment thing that I've seen more than once on this thread? I haven't even heard that before...can you fill me in on how this transates to me / julia and this situation?
Let me paint a picture, Julia is a nanny, and makes about 1/4th of what her husband makes.
Let me be more clear about the letter...she is going to write in it that she is wanting a "trial separation" and that she is going to her parents or something but for him not to contact her for a week. He NEVER takes care of the kids, she does 100% of the child care. He wouldn't be able to take care of the kids anyway. That being said, she will NOT take the kids permanantly from him, just for a week. So how does this work in terms of "abandonment"? I do not want to risk her losing the kids.

In terms of the cruise, my mother and sister are on it, so I am on it regardless...it's been planned for over a year and already paid for.
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Old 02-11-2009, 02:48 PM   #23
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Re: advice needed...

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At least now you finally get to move out of Albuquerque

Seriously though, I do have a question. Are you hoping to have kids with Julia or just take her kids as your own? And if it's the former have you told her this and is this what she wants to?

And why didn't the two of you get married the first time around?
I actually WISH I lived in Albuquerque...I live in Carlsbad, NM...which is like the arm pit of New Mexico. Funny, I may be moving from Carlsbad, NM to Carlsbad, CA. haha

About the kids, yes to both. She wants to have a kid with me, and of course, I want a kid of my own. I am also planning to take her kids as my own. They just had birthdays within the past 3 weeks. One is 4, the other is 2. Both kids ADORE me. Their father spends NO time with them, and I take them to parks, and to the beach etc...they cry when I leave, and they hug me and tell me they love me. Having them get on board, is not a problem at all.

OK, we didn't get married the first time around cause she moved to North Carolina with her parents (and I lived in Boston), and I cheated on her. The ONE time in my life I cheated and it haunted me for 14 freakin years. I was dumb, or honest, depending on your perspective, and I told her I did it. Of course she took it hard, and then her parents got in way and friends got in the way...really a long story. Both of us never stopped loving each other.
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Old 02-11-2009, 02:53 PM   #24
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by jsarno View Post
What is this abandonment thing that I've seen more than once on this thread? I haven't even heard that before...can you fill me in on how this transates to me / julia and this situation?
Let me paint a picture, Julia is a nanny, and makes about 1/4th of what her husband makes.
Let me be more clear about the letter...she is going to write in it that she is wanting a "trial separation" and that she is going to her parents or something but for him not to contact her for a week. He NEVER takes care of the kids, she does 100% of the child care. He wouldn't be able to take care of the kids anyway. That being said, she will NOT take the kids permanantly from him, just for a week. So how does this work in terms of "abandonment"? I do not want to risk her losing the kids.

In terms of the cruise, my mother and sister are on it, so I am on it regardless...it's been planned for over a year and already paid for.
Forget the legal implications.

If she makes a quarter of what he makes, and she's leaving him, it sounds like she and her kids will be heavily dependent upon you for income. And you said you don't have a job. My first question is how do you and Julia expect to support the kids when you guys are living together?

I'd STRONGLY suggest you skip the cruise and pound the pavement, regardless of whether it's paid for.

From the sounds of it, you can't afford to support these children. And if he's making a decent income, it's only a matter of time before she begins to compare your income to his, and begins to regret making the move just for the sake of her children alone.

She shouldn't go on the cruise either. She needs to stay home and get to work on securing a steady child support payment. Without it, it sounds like the two of you will not be able to care for them properly.
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Old 02-11-2009, 02:54 PM   #25
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Re: advice needed...

I really wanted to respond to every one of you, and I thank ALL OF YOU for the advice and well wishes, but it would take waaaay too long to respond. Just know I appreciate your comments, and anything else you have for me in terms of advice.
Please know, I know I am not their father, I understand where I stand. I will take care of them as if they are my own, but he will always be in their life.
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Old 02-11-2009, 03:02 PM   #26
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Re: advice needed...

What is it called when two trains are traveling on the same track towards each other....

Oh yeah a TRAIN WRECK!
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Old 02-11-2009, 03:04 PM   #27
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Re: advice needed...

Wow, here goes:

  1. Seek happiness. There's no reason to be miserable.
  2. Don't take the kids without the permission of the father. Doing so is bad in the eyes of the law no matter where you are. Those aren't your kids, those are her kids and the other guys kids.
  3. Always stay classy and don't get yourself into trouble. You're no good fighting another dude and ending up in jail. If something happens while you're there by all means be a man, if not let the law deal with those kinds of matters.
  4. If her husband wants to be a father to his children you'll have to get along with him. Also realize that those are his children first, you're the step dad at best, the guy who ruined their parents marriage at worst.
  5. I don't know the full detail but it seems to me you want kids of your own. If you really want to have kids you should discuss this with her.
  6. Taking risks is cool, taking sensible risk is better.
  7. Stay cool with your ex-wife.

Good luck man.
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Last edited by saden1; 02-11-2009 at 05:00 PM.
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Old 02-11-2009, 03:52 PM   #28
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Re: advice needed...

first off, good luck in what ever you do. now me, i would go on the cruise. why not enjoy life? ( especially if its already paid for) but i wouldn't take the kids, unless you are granted permission. then, when you get back, you must find a job ( i know, easier said then done) don't be in a big hurry to make it work. if its meant to be...and did i say good luck?
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Old 02-11-2009, 04:04 PM   #29
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Re: advice needed...

Hey J, get out now. Get yourself right, then go find some young thing. You have been married way too long to get locked right back up again. If you're situation could be hosted on an episode of Jerry Springer or screenplayed on a soap opera, then you are in a bad situation.

Walk away.
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Old 02-11-2009, 04:06 PM   #30
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Re: advice needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsarno View Post
What is this abandonment thing that I've seen more than once on this thread? I haven't even heard that before...can you fill me in on how this transates to me / julia and this situation?
Let me paint a picture, Julia is a nanny, and makes about 1/4th of what her husband makes.
Let me be more clear about the letter...she is going to write in it that she is wanting a "trial separation" and that she is going to her parents or something but for him not to contact her for a week. He NEVER takes care of the kids, she does 100% of the child care. He wouldn't be able to take care of the kids anyway. That being said, she will NOT take the kids permanantly from him, just for a week. So how does this work in terms of "abandonment"? I do not want to risk her losing the kids.

In terms of the cruise, my mother and sister are on it, so I am on it regardless...it's been planned for over a year and already paid for.
Quote:
About the kids, yes to both. She wants to have a kid with me, and of course, I want a kid of my own. I am also planning to take her kids as my own. They just had birthdays within the past 3 weeks. One is 4, the other is 2. Both kids ADORE me. Their father spends NO time with them, and I take them to parks, and to the beach etc...they cry when I leave, and they hug me and tell me they love me. Having them get on board, is not a problem at all.
I really don't want to let my past bad choices influence my advice, so please take this with a grain of salt, but I hear alot of me in your words (and JoeRedskin will 2nd that that's not very positive when it comes to relationships )

The bolded parts are where you are making absolutes, you will quickly find that those will be points of dispute and arguments, both with the kids' father, and believe it or not, your lady. and again, just because a 2 and 4 year old are on board, does not mean that when they are 8 and 10, that they will be (again I am dredging my past, but an 8yo will say yes you should get engaged and 3 years later tell you that you are not her father -even though she hadn't talked to him or seen him in 1 1/2 years).

The italics are where, I think you are attributing your feelings to her kids. A lot of 2yo and 4yo's adore/loves people they spend time with. I have a guy comes up every week, brings his daughter, she asks where did i go when i walk out of her sight, draws me pics etc etc. Don't take that the same way as more significant, and certainly not as them choosing you over - or equal with - their father.

Again, so emotional a topic, i really haven't been able to focus on work, because my mind races on.
I hope it works out for you, I pray that it does, but I fear that, when someone-anyone- says "i know i am wrong" but keeps moving forward in that path, well again let me just say my life bears witness to the fact that stopping earlier would have saved everyone a lot of grief.
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