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advice needed...

Parking Lot


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Old 02-11-2009, 04:38 PM   #31
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Re: advice needed...

Hey J, can you ask your girl to logon so that we can ask her a few questions too? I think that would be great!

I think everyone here has brought up some very valid and interesting points. But at the end of the day, if this thing has been knawing at you for, what, 12...14 year, then obviously the reward of being in love, truly in love and happy, outweighs the potential risk and cons involved. The heart is a funny thing.
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Old 02-11-2009, 04:45 PM   #32
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by 12thMan View Post
Hey J, can you ask your girl to logon so that we can ask her a few questions too? I think that would be great!

I think everyone here has brought up some very valid and interesting points. But at the end of the day, if this thing has been knawing at you for, what, 12...14 year, then obviously the reward of being in love, truly in love and happy, outweighs the potential risk and cons involved. The heart is a funny thing.
Even I, the ultimate curmudgeon, agree with this. You sound happy with her jsarno, that should say a lot.

But still, go about it in the right way. Don't just be with her; make sure you can support her, make sure you can support her kids, make sure you're not party to anything a civil court would view as improper.

Go ahead and do what your heart wants. But do it right.
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Old 02-11-2009, 04:57 PM   #33
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Re: advice needed...

Amen, brother Schneed!

Now let's join hands...bow your heads.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:09 PM   #34
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Re: advice needed...

IMHO, two things 1) do not go on the cruise in the first, place, but if you do, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT take your girlfriend and her kids. The divorce will be a shock enough for them, being on a cruise ship away from familiar surroundings, with people they don't know ( I am assuming they do not know you or about the situation) will not be good. 2) Contact an attorney immediately, before she makes any moves or leaves any letters. You need to understand what the financial/legal ramifications are of every move the both of you make.

Personally, I went back with an ex-girlfriend that I had been with for a year in my mid-20s, ultimately it was a very bad decision. Great at first, but people change.

A blended family creates a very difficult dynamic, especially if you and Julia want kids together. Your happiness is important, but her kids must be the priority for both of you. The decisions you two make have to be for them first, you guys second. Sorry to be devil's advocate, but you guys have a rocky road ahead and so do the kids.

I wish you and your new family all the best and hopefully you guys all will have true happiness.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:10 PM   #35
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Re: advice needed...

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Forget the legal implications.

If she makes a quarter of what he makes, and she's leaving him, it sounds like she and her kids will be heavily dependent upon you for income. And you said you don't have a job. My first question is how do you and Julia expect to support the kids when you guys are living together?

I'd STRONGLY suggest you skip the cruise and pound the pavement, regardless of whether it's paid for.

From the sounds of it, you can't afford to support these children. And if he's making a decent income, it's only a matter of time before she begins to compare your income to his, and begins to regret making the move just for the sake of her children alone.

She shouldn't go on the cruise either. She needs to stay home and get to work on securing a steady child support payment. Without it, it sounds like the two of you will not be able to care for them properly.
OK, I have enough stashed, and available if need be to take care of her and the kids for close to a year. Trust me, I understand my financial situation. I WILL find a job shortly, and I have time to get a job...it's just out of my comfort zone to not have a job.
We are both already set for 6 months without any addition income requirements. I also will not be without a paycheck until AFTER the cruise...so I'll be fine. I appreciate your concern, and if I were in your shoes, I would have said the same thing.

Thanks.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:16 PM   #36
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Re: advice needed...

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Even I, the ultimate curmudgeon, agree with this. You sound happy with her jsarno, that should say a lot.

But still, go about it in the right way. Don't just be with her; make sure you can support her, make sure you can support her kids, make sure you're not party to anything a civil court would view as improper.

Go ahead and do what your heart wants. But do it right.
You are certainly right there.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:18 PM   #37
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Re: advice needed...

I'm a little lost with the timeline jsarno. Help me out here

You're living in NM, and she's living in California.

Out of the blue, she calls you after 12 years and says she never stopped loving you and wants to be with you. And you, "going through the motions" in your current marriage decide "I'm not messing this up again" and separate from your wife and move out to California to be with Julia (meanwhile you start divorce proceeding which are now final)

So for the past few weeks (months?) you're in San Diego to be closer to her and you're taking her kids out to the park, beach etc. but she's still living with the father of their kids during all this?

Is that right?
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:26 PM   #38
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Re: advice needed...

You want for her to just grab the kids and drag them off with some strange guy she is now sleeping with who is not their dad and you think nothing of this? These kids will grow to hate you as your have taking their dad away and broken up their family. You want to know if this will look bad in court? HELL YES and he might have grounds to have her and you arrested for taking the kids and if this cruise leave the US which I'm sure it does that could make matter worse. I think the entire plan is crap.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:34 PM   #39
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Re: advice needed...

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I'm a little lost with the timeline jsarno. Help me out here

You're living in NM, and she's living in California.

Out of the blue, she calls you after 12 years and says she never stopped loving you and wants to be with you. And you, "going through the motions" in your current marriage decide "I'm not messing this up again" and separate from your wife and move out to California to be with Julia (meanwhile you start divorce proceeding which are now final)

So for the past few weeks (months?) you're in San Diego to be closer to her and you're taking her kids out to the park, beach etc. but she's still living with the father of their kids during all this?

Is that right?
You're pretty close.

I've visited San Diego several times during my off time...I'm here right now, but I leave tomorrow morning to go back. I don't officially move here til a week from this friday.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:38 PM   #40
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Re: advice needed...

I think you guys are right...her on the cruise is a bad idea (I hadn't added her yet anyway), but she will still take off with the kids and likely go to a friends house, or possibly out of state to her parents.
I am still curious as to how this is "abandonment"?
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:45 PM   #41
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Re: advice needed...

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You're pretty close.

I've visited San Diego several times during my off time...I'm here right now, but I leave tomorrow morning to go back. I don't officially move here til a week from this friday.
What do you mean your off-time?

Anyhow, her husband didn't find anything weird or say anything about her ex-fiance being back in the picture and taking his (and her) kids out everywhere.

And who do the kids think you are? Some family friend?

is all this really just a front to be closer to jamf?
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:51 PM   #42
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Re: advice needed...

Again, not a lawyer, but I doubt abandonment as a legal term here is applicable. it would be more so, if he took off, never seeing the kids or helping in any support, in which case (barring a 1000 other legal technicalities) he could lose a claim to having custody. I think abandonment was first mentioned when less was known.
Having said that, everything else still applies.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:59 PM   #43
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Re: advice needed...

Love is like looking left and right at the same time. Love is the sickness and the cure. It is hard to find, hard to keep going, and easy to putout. Love is costly my friends. I know love and many a times I wanted to return it for a refund but all lovely sales are final. Be careful in your purchase, know what you are buying for love is fickle and is not enough.
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Old 02-11-2009, 06:15 PM   #44
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Re: advice needed...

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Love is like looking left and right at the same time. Love is the sickness and the cure. It is hard to find, hard to keep going, and easy to putout. Love is costly my friends. I know love and many a times I wanted to return it for a refund but all lovely sales are final. Be careful in your purchase, know what you are buying for love is fickle and is not enough.
Truer words saden has never uttered.
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Old 02-11-2009, 06:32 PM   #45
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Re: advice needed...

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I think you guys are right...her on the cruise is a bad idea (I hadn't added her yet anyway), but she will still take off with the kids and likely go to a friends house, or possibly out of state to her parents.
I am still curious as to how this is "abandonment"?
Once she leaves and leaves behind a letter, be 100% sure that letter will come back up in the divorce proceedings. He husband's attorney will use every word to paint her as an unfaithful / unappreciative / neglectful spouse and work to leave her with nothing of the marital assets, not to mention child custody issues.

I'm not an attorney, but abandonment is a flexible term that's a factor in a divorce used to determine either fault, child custody, or amounts of support. Back to one of my points...do not do anything until she (you do not go on the attorney visit) has contacted an attorney and you guys fully understand what legal / financial ground you're on and what the consequences are.
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