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advice needed...

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Old 02-11-2009, 07:27 PM   #46
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Re: advice needed...

I cannot put words together like Saden , so with that good luck Jsarno . I hope everything works out for all of you .
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Old 02-11-2009, 07:51 PM   #47
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Re: advice needed...

Good luck Jsarno, hope it all works out for you. Based on my personal experience I would advise against doing anything impulsive, as being in love and making rational decisions are somewhat mutually exclusive. Indeed, love as a form of insanity is a metaphor that spans all of history, from the tracts of ancient Greece all the way up to recent studies showing the neurological patterns of lovers to resemble psychosis patients. You do crazy stuff you wouldn’t normally do and then wonder what you were thinking later. In college I once gave up living with some of my best friends in a party house to live with a girl who would have otherwise had to transfer to another school (long story). I was consumed by love, or at least what I thought was love, and I made a rash decision that I regret to this day.

So I guess my advice would be this: the more time you can take to step back and think about things rationally and deliberately, the more sound your decision making process will be, and the more likely you will be to find lasting happiness, once the intoxication of an old passion restored wears off.
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Old 02-11-2009, 08:07 PM   #48
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Re: advice needed...

GET A GOOD...divorce atty ASAP..to help you map out strategy. NOTHING is as you believe it to be.

Well I have the day to think about this thing as well and read much of this thread. Several things come to mind:
You are potentially stepping into a Hornets nest
EVERYTHING that you can imagine will be used....against your girl in court
If you want a PRAYER of keeping bio dad in check you must remain unknown....totally in this deal so your not stealing his family....that includes the kids. If they mention you, they might have to testify and mom has big problems...big time bad for the kids as well
Do this thing right, and by the numbers so you can always look back and say that you have nothing to be ashamed for!
DON'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU GET AN ATTY. The single worst thing you can do is underestimate your opponent.......ask my x-wife
If it is supposed to be, it will

Good luck to you J
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Old 02-11-2009, 10:29 PM   #49
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Re: advice needed...

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I bet somebody has that as a sig before the week is out.
i was thinking about it right up until i saw this... now it just seems cliched.

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Old 02-11-2009, 10:44 PM   #50
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by djnemo65 View Post
Good luck Jsarno, hope it all works out for you. Based on my personal experience I would advise against doing anything impulsive, as being in love and making rational decisions are somewhat mutually exclusive. Indeed, love as a form of insanity is a metaphor that spans all of history, from the tracts of ancient Greece all the way up to recent studies showing the neurological patterns of lovers to resemble psychosis patients. You do crazy stuff you wouldn’t normally do and then wonder what you were thinking later. In college I once gave up living with some of my best friends in a party house to live with a girl who would have otherwise had to transfer to another school (long story). I was consumed by love, or at least what I thought was love, and I made a rash decision that I regret to this day.

So I guess my advice would be this: the more time you can take to step back and think about things rationally and deliberately, the more sound your decision making process will be, and the more likely you will be to find lasting happiness, once the intoxication of an old passion restored wears off.


OK so the bolded part really applied more to Menalaus, Helen, and Paris of Troy. But there are no funny gifs of Brad Pitt kicking a dude down a hole. I think I made the right decision.
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Old 02-11-2009, 11:15 PM   #51
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by jsarno View Post
OK, I have enough stashed, and available if need be to take care of her and the kids for close to a year. Trust me, I understand my financial situation. I WILL find a job shortly, and I have time to get a job...it's just out of my comfort zone to not have a job.
We are both already set for 6 months without any addition income requirements. I also will not be without a paycheck until AFTER the cruise...so I'll be fine. I appreciate your concern, and if I were in your shoes, I would have said the same thing.

Thanks.
OK I was just going off your earlier post where you said you couldn't afford to live off $8-10 per hour. And you also said 'at least I have a decent amount in my checking account to live off, but this place is freakin expensive.' If you do indeed have significant savings that certainly does help.

But being the financey type, I feel obliged to warn that your own savings could be at risk as part of a pending divorce settlement between you and your current wife. You mentioned the divorce was final as of Monday, do you know how much in savings you're obligated to pass over to her? And how much in the way of alimony, if any?

Also, important to note that moving expenses to get you from New Mexico to San Diego will amount to about $3-4K, assuming you have enough stuff requiring a moving company.

And I'd also caution that you shouldn't underestimate the difficulty of finding a job in this job market, especially one that will pay you an MBA's salary, which I know is a degree you have. And if you're going to settle in California with Julia, even significant savings can get sucked up quickly in such a high cost of living area. Besides, if you have that much in savings, no doubt your best financial move would be to put it towards a down payment on a home in San Diego for you and your new family. You'll want to do everything you can to preserve that savings to use for that purpose, otherwise you're stuck renting.

Good luck to ya.
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Old 02-12-2009, 12:10 AM   #52
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by Slingin Sammy 33 View Post
IMHO, two things 1) do not go on the cruise in the first, place, but if you do, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT take your girlfriend and her kids. The divorce will be a shock enough for them, being on a cruise ship away from familiar surroundings, with people they don't know ( I am assuming they do not know you or about the situation) will not be good. 2) Contact an attorney immediately, before she makes any moves or leaves any letters. You need to understand what the financial/legal ramifications are of every move the both of you make.
This has been one of the better Parking Lot threads I've read in a while as far as thoughtful posts.

Anyway, my two cents after reading the entire thread (and there is PLENTY of very sound advice in here):

It sounds like you have solid long term goals with Julia, but focus on the short term first and foremost right now- both of you need to get attorneys right away. Yesterday. And you both need to be 100% honest with them about every last detail, including the relationship you and Julia have had over the past few months and your plans for the future. This is so critical. As emotional as you both are right now about each other and all the circumstances, imagine if something that easily could have been avoided screws everything up? Legal representation, my friend. Right away.

Other than that, Saden, Scheed, and FRPLG all echo my feelings to some extent - Be classy. Be mindful of every situation in the near future. Think through everything and take lots of deep breaths. Rash decisions will not serve you well right now. I'm not gonna get into the financial aspect- you're a smart guy with a graduate degree and money in the bank, so I'm sure you'll figure it out.

I know your heart and brain are on fire right now, so just be cool man (that sounds cheesy). Stay within yourself. It's going to be easy to get really emotional over the things ahead of you, and that's okay. Just don't be impulsive.

God bless J. PM me if I can do anything or you want to chat off-record.
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Old 02-12-2009, 08:38 AM   #53
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by Schneed10 View Post
OK I was just going off your earlier post where you said you couldn't afford to live off $8-10 per hour. And you also said 'at least I have a decent amount in my checking account to live off, but this place is freakin expensive.' If you do indeed have significant savings that certainly does help.

But being the financey type, I feel obliged to warn that your own savings could be at risk as part of a pending divorce settlement between you and your current wife. You mentioned the divorce was final as of Monday, do you know how much in savings you're obligated to pass over to her? And how much in the way of alimony, if any?

Also, important to note that moving expenses to get you from New Mexico to San Diego will amount to about $3-4K, assuming you have enough stuff requiring a moving company.

And I'd also caution that you shouldn't underestimate the difficulty of finding a job in this job market, especially one that will pay you an MBA's salary, which I know is a degree you have. And if you're going to settle in California with Julia, even significant savings can get sucked up quickly in such a high cost of living area. Besides, if you have that much in savings, no doubt your best financial move would be to put it towards a down payment on a home in San Diego for you and your new family. You'll want to do everything you can to preserve that savings to use for that purpose, otherwise you're stuck renting.

Good luck to ya.
S10 stop blowing the train horn, you going to screw up this train wreck.

If you went through all of Jsarno's 8k+ post you would find many stories about him and/or his life that simpley just don't add up. I think he is a lair and/or a drunk. He has been a know it all a$$ on this site for a long time and this story is just the icing on the cake.

My only prayers are for the childern in this story. Otherwise I belive Julia and Jsarno are just a bunch of snakes in the grass destorying god's work. What complete shelfness on both their parts. Some people are so quick to forget their vows to the lord just because they get a ach in their groin. Did you ever thing of marriage consuling or going to your preist for help?

As for Jsarno you get what you deserve and in a year or so you will look back and see the incrediable mistake you have made, it could not happen to a nicer guy, really.

Sorry for being a d*ck but this story really rubbed me the wrong way and I believe a lot of America's problems today are due to the high divorce rate i nthis country. Also, sorry for the grammer I am in a rush to get to a meeting this morning, no time to proof.
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Old 02-12-2009, 08:52 AM   #54
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by mredskins View Post
S10 stop blowing the train horn, you going to screw up this train wreck.

If you went through all of Jsarno's 8k+ post you would find many stories about him and/or his life that simpley just don't add up. I think he is a lair and/or a drunk. He has been a know it all a$$ on this site for a long time and this story is just the icing on the cake.

My only prayers are for the childern in this story. Otherwise I belive Julia and Jsarno are just a bunch of snakes in the grass destorying god's work. What complete shelfness on both their parts. Some people are so quick to forget their vows to the lord just because they get a ach in their groin. Did you ever thing of marriage consuling or going to your preist for help?

As for Jsarno you get what you deserve and in a year or so you will look back and see the incrediable mistake you have made, it could not happen to a nicer guy, really.

Sorry for being a d*ck but this story really rubbed me the wrong way and I believe a lot of America's problems today are due to the high divorce rate i nthis country. Also, sorry for the grammer I am in a rush to get to a meeting this morning, no time to proof.
Zoinks!

There are definitely some inconsistencies in what you're saying here, jsarno. In the first post you said "at least I have a decent amount in my checking account to live off, but this place is freakin expensive.' And then in a more recent post you said you have enough money to support a family for a year in San Diego. Now unless you consider ramen noodles and grilled cheese sandwiches supporting a family, you seem to be saying you have a whole buttload of money, not just a decent amount in the checking account.

I'm just trying to help out, which was the purpose of this thread, right? If you're head over heels about someone, chances are you're not thinking of everything. I'm just trying to put some considerations out there that could wind up being very important.
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Old 02-12-2009, 09:07 AM   #55
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by Schneed10 View Post
OK I was just going off your earlier post where you said you couldn't afford to live off $8-10 per hour. And you also said 'at least I have a decent amount in my checking account to live off, but this place is freakin expensive.' If you do indeed have significant savings that certainly does help.

But being the financey type, I feel obliged to warn that your own savings could be at risk as part of a pending divorce settlement between you and your current wife. You mentioned the divorce was final as of Monday, do you know how much in savings you're obligated to pass over to her? And how much in the way of alimony, if any?

Also, important to note that moving expenses to get you from New Mexico to San Diego will amount to about $3-4K, assuming you have enough stuff requiring a moving company.

And I'd also caution that you shouldn't underestimate the difficulty of finding a job in this job market, especially one that will pay you an MBA's salary, which I know is a degree you have. And if you're going to settle in California with Julia, even significant savings can get sucked up quickly in such a high cost of living area. Besides, if you have that much in savings, no doubt your best financial move would be to put it towards a down payment on a home in San Diego for you and your new family. You'll want to do everything you can to preserve that savings to use for that purpose, otherwise you're stuck renting.

Good luck to ya.
My divorce is already done. When you have no kids and you settle yourself, they can go very quickly. We have already split EVERYTHING. I am moving myself with a trailer, so it will cost me about $400-$500 including gas to move. I decided to rent a room in a house with a firefighter and police officer, who seem like nice guys...save a ton of money that way. Instead of paying 1200-1400 for a 1 bedroom with utilitites, I'm only paying $675 with all utilities. Much better.
About my post referring to the $8-10 an hour jobs...well, I don't consider my savings something that I SHOULD live off. I'm pretty sure you understand this having a financial background. I am using it as a "last resort". I certainly don't want to use it. Thus my comments about needing a job and not being able to afford living off 8-10 and hour. I really don't want to touch what I have worked hard to save. What's the point of savings if it all gets used?
About what I bolded...YES! I absolutely do not underestimate this job market. This is why I asked about it. I am waaay out of my comfort zone.
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Old 02-12-2009, 09:11 AM   #56
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Re: advice needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GMScud View Post
This has been one of the better Parking Lot threads I've read in a while as far as thoughtful posts.

Anyway, my two cents after reading the entire thread (and there is PLENTY of very sound advice in here):

It sounds like you have solid long term goals with Julia, but focus on the short term first and foremost right now- both of you need to get attorneys right away. Yesterday. And you both need to be 100% honest with them about every last detail, including the relationship you and Julia have had over the past few months and your plans for the future. This is so critical. As emotional as you both are right now about each other and all the circumstances, imagine if something that easily could have been avoided screws everything up? Legal representation, my friend. Right away.

Other than that, Saden, Scheed, and FRPLG all echo my feelings to some extent - Be classy. Be mindful of every situation in the near future. Think through everything and take lots of deep breaths. Rash decisions will not serve you well right now. I'm not gonna get into the financial aspect- you're a smart guy with a graduate degree and money in the bank, so I'm sure you'll figure it out.

I know your heart and brain are on fire right now, so just be cool man (that sounds cheesy). Stay within yourself. It's going to be easy to get really emotional over the things ahead of you, and that's okay. Just don't be impulsive.

God bless J. PM me if I can do anything or you want to chat off-record.
Thanks man. I may just do that.

I appreciate all the good comments everyone.
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Old 02-12-2009, 09:12 AM   #57
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Re: advice needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsarno View Post
My divorce is already done. When you have no kids and you settle yourself, they can go very quickly. We have already split EVERYTHING. I am moving myself with a trailer, so it will cost me about $400-$500 including gas to move. I decided to rent a room in a house with a firefighter and police officer, who seem like nice guys...save a ton of money that way. Instead of paying 1200-1400 for a 1 bedroom with utilitites, I'm only paying $675 with all utilities. Much better.
About my post referring to the $8-10 an hour jobs...well, I don't consider my savings something that I SHOULD live off. I'm pretty sure you understand this having a financial background. I am using it as a "last resort". I certainly don't want to use it. Thus my comments about needing a job and not being able to afford living off 8-10 and hour. I really don't want to touch what I have worked hard to save. What's the point of savings if it all gets used?
About what I bolded...YES! I absolutely do not underestimate this job market. This is why I asked about it. I am waaay out of my comfort zone.
So where is Julia going to live if you're shacking up with two other guys? I guess you're not going to live together right away?

And I guess that means she's going to live on her own once she leaves the husband? Can she afford that on the low nanny's pay you were speaking about?

Smart move not to tap your savings, because you need to keep it in order to buy a house for you and Julia so you can actually live together. All the more reason to skip the cruise and get a job ASAP.
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Old 02-12-2009, 09:18 AM   #58
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Re: advice needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by mredskins View Post
S10 stop blowing the train horn, you going to screw up this train wreck.

If you went through all of Jsarno's 8k+ post you would find many stories about him and/or his life that simpley just don't add up. I think he is a lair and/or a drunk. He has been a know it all a$$ on this site for a long time and this story is just the icing on the cake.
In terms of being a know it all a$$, maybe you're right. I apologize. My intent is obviously to never be an a$$, or to come across as a know it all. I know I can say things in a very matter of fact way and I rub people the wrong way.

Quote:
My only prayers are for the childern in this story. Otherwise I belive Julia and Jsarno are just a bunch of snakes in the grass destorying god's work. What complete shelfness on both their parts. Some people are so quick to forget their vows to the lord just because they get a ach in their groin. Did you ever thing of marriage consuling or going to your preist for help?

As for Jsarno you get what you deserve and in a year or so you will look back and see the incrediable mistake you have made, it could not happen to a nicer guy, really.

Sorry for being a d*ck but this story really rubbed me the wrong way and I believe a lot of America's problems today are due to the high divorce rate i nthis country. Also, sorry for the grammer I am in a rush to get to a meeting this morning, no time to proof.
I wasn't going to comment, but I felt compelled. Yes, I know in God's eye I am doing something wrong. I can only hope for forgiveness.
I do find it ironic that you are pointing out what God wants but are calling me an a$$ and I will get what I deserve. But hey, I understand you don't like me for reasons already stated. I haven't posted here in a long while, I hope you find my future posts less intrusive, and I will make more of an attempt to be patient and less of an a$$.
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Old 02-12-2009, 09:23 AM   #59
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Re: advice needed...

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So where is Julia going to live if you're shacking up with two other guys? I guess you're not going to live together right away?
No...I do not think it's right to go from one daddy to the next overnight. The kids need to have some sort of normalcy through such a traumatic experience.

Quote:
And I guess that means she's going to live on her own once she leaves the husband? Can she afford that on the low nanny's pay you were speaking about?
She is actually going to be a live in nanny for now. We are looking for apartments for her cause she doesn't feel completely comfortable with that. She does make enough money to make it on her own...she has NO DEBT other than a small student loan payment.

Quote:
Smart move not to tap your savings, because you need to keep it in order to buy a house for you and Julia so you can actually live together. All the more reason to skip the cruise and get a job ASAP.
Well, like I said, the cruise is already paid for, and if I cancel, they keep the money...or at least 75% of it. So what's the point? I can't leave my mother and sister on the cruise by themselves...especially considering this is a graduating gift to my sister.
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Old 02-12-2009, 09:32 AM   #60
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Re: advice needed...

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I decided to rent a room in a house with a firefighter and police officer, who seem like nice guys....
It's not the firefighter and police officer from the Village People is it (not that there's anything wrong with that)?

Just thought I'd lighten the mood a bit.
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