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advice needed...

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Old 03-03-2009, 10:41 AM   #91
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by firstdown View Post
Why blackmail? They have kids together so he should have his share in time with them. If he is going to move across the country a judge might give him rights but it will be limited to whats in the best interest of the children. I had 50/50 custody with my X and she got our daughter evey other weekend and other reasonable visitation. For example on a school night she wants to take our daughter to dinner I had the final say so as long as I used reasonable judgement. Yes she can go to dinner if she had done all her homework or No, she has a big test tomorrow. We got along so we did not try to get at each other by using the kids as a prop. Thats the most important thing is not to drag the kids into this fight. If that happens it can get very nasty and everyone will loose.
This really goes back to the "are you sure you understand?" type questions that were asked earlier. These kids are going to now have their father across the country from them. and you are looking at it as blackmail. The kids certainly won't, they will wonder why their mom and dad can't be together. They will get shuffled between school systems. But you think he is blackmailing you. Sorry, but he did not end the relationship, she did, and you merely added fire to the break up. A court could very well rule in his favor, or in hers, but they will always consider the kids interests (from the state's point of view - meaning dss could interject or they could have their own state appointed CASA lawyer) first.
Again, it's not blackmail, it's divorce with kids, and its hard to find anyone who is a winner, especially if the adults see (or use without seeing) the kids as hostages/bargaining chips/property.

--Getting along, like FD did , is probably more important after a divorce then during the marriage.
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Old 03-03-2009, 11:24 AM   #92
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Re: advice needed...

Have you consider the logistics of this at all? Say everything works out and you are spooning Julia Guila every night in your little love nest. Have you thought about what it is like to live with and raise children? It is probably the largest resopinisibilty you can take on as a human. My wife and I had our son 11 months ago and our lives easily did a 180 (if not a 720 but we never returned to the same postition). I know her kids are not infants but it is going to be a huge adjustment for you.

I would say run free find another fish in the sea. At some point the lovey dovey part is going to wash off between you and Julia Gulia and the reality of the stituation is going to hit you like a ton of bricks.

I can picture you now standing in a trailer's kitchen holding a sippy cup and wondering what the hell happen to my life, as the kids are screaming and running all around you.
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Old 03-03-2009, 11:33 AM   #93
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Re: advice needed...

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At some point the lovey dovey part is going to wash off between you and Julia Gulia and the reality of the stituation is going to hit you like a ton of bricks.
You are correct. I feel sorry for the OP. In his opening post, he acknowledged that what he was doing was wrong, but he ignored his conscience and his better judgement and went with his heart. He's reaping the sad consequences of his actions now. What hes going through is nothing compared to what those poor kids are going through though. They are the victims of two (or maybe even three) very selfish people. Its horrible.
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:16 PM   #94
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Re: advice needed...

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This really goes back to the "are you sure you understand?" type questions that were asked earlier. These kids are going to now have their father across the country from them. and you are looking at it as blackmail. The kids certainly won't, they will wonder why their mom and dad can't be together. They will get shuffled between school systems. But you think he is blackmailing you. Sorry, but he did not end the relationship, she did, and you merely added fire to the break up. A court could very well rule in his favor, or in hers, but they will always consider the kids interests (from the state's point of view - meaning dss could interject or they could have their own state appointed CASA lawyer) first.
Again, it's not blackmail, it's divorce with kids, and its hard to find anyone who is a winner, especially if the adults see (or use without seeing) the kids as hostages/bargaining chips/property.

--Getting along, like FD did , is probably more important after a divorce then during the marriage.
I guess it is more of negotiation than blackmail, but to say i'll let you go if you give me 50/50, otherwise I won't certainly sounds blackmailish to me. Oh well. I do not want to keep the kids from him, he is the father.
The daughter likes me a lot, we have a lot of fun together and she doesn't really miss her father when she's not around him. The younger son absolutely loves me. He cries when I leave, and that breaks my heart. Their father just doesn't spend time with them, and give them attention / love, so to have an active male / father figure in their lives is something they have been craving and are now getting. The kids just aren't suffering right now at all. They are happier and now that they have that desired attention they are behaving better too. No matter what I can never replace their biological father, nor do I want to try to. I hope he remains an active part of their life. Don't really know how this is going to pan out considering he will be so far away, but I am sure we can work something out. 50/50 will not be an option. Maybe 70/30 or something where he gets them in the summers, and we get them during the school season etc.

About running and finding another fish in the sea. That won't happen. I've already had the chance to find other fish in the sea, I want this fish. I have always wanted her, and always will regardless of circumstance. I am not some 21 year old that doesn't know what love is, and hasn't come to reality with my emotions / feelings. I am happier now than I have ever been even with the kids. I love those kids, and we have a great time together. I don't expect others to understand cause this is a unique scenario. Which is no big deal, just know that in terms of being with her, we both know what we are doing, and the possible consequences...we are willing to take those chances. The kids are the utmost priority to us, and their well being is more important than anything. In terms of how this will all play out, that's still up in the air.
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:27 PM   #95
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Re: advice needed...

On the 100th post Jsanro nails it. Awesome man good luck to you! I can't see this derailing at all, fool proof plan. Just awesome, awesome! God this is awesome!

The 70/30 spilt is an awesome idea too, just awesome!

Your awesome this awesome!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:41 PM   #96
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Re: advice needed...

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I guess it is more of negotiation than blackmail, but to say i'll let you go if you give me 50/50, otherwise I won't certainly sounds blackmailish to me. Oh well. I do not want to keep the kids from him, he is the father.
The daughter likes me a lot, we have a lot of fun together and she doesn't really miss her father when she's not around him. The younger son absolutely loves me. He cries when I leave, and that breaks my heart. Their father just doesn't spend time with them, and give them attention / love, so to have an active male / father figure in their lives is something they have been craving and are now getting. The kids just aren't suffering right now at all. They are happier and now that they have that desired attention they are behaving better too. No matter what I can never replace their biological father, nor do I want to try to. I hope he remains an active part of their life. Don't really know how this is going to pan out considering he will be so far away, but I am sure we can work something out. 50/50 will not be an option. Maybe 70/30 or something where he gets them in the summers, and we get them during the school season etc.

About running and finding another fish in the sea. That won't happen. I've already had the chance to find other fish in the sea, I want this fish. I have always wanted her, and always will regardless of circumstance. I am not some 21 year old that doesn't know what love is, and hasn't come to reality with my emotions / feelings. I am happier now than I have ever been even with the kids. I love those kids, and we have a great time together. I don't expect others to understand cause this is a unique scenario. Which is no big deal, just know that in terms of being with her, we both know what we are doing, and the possible consequences...we are willing to take those chances. The kids are the utmost priority to us, and their well being is more important than anything. In terms of how this will all play out, that's still up in the air.
If you don't mind my asking, how much of the appeal of being with Julia (again) is that it gives you the chance to be a dad (as it were), something that unfortunately wasn't happening with your ex-wife? Do you feel that's something you'd been missing and now you're getting that opportunity?
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Old 03-03-2009, 02:07 PM   #97
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by jsarno View Post
I guess it is more of negotiation than blackmail, but to say i'll let you go if you give me 50/50, otherwise I won't certainly sounds blackmailish to me. Oh well. I do not want to keep the kids from him, he is the father.
And I guess you still don't get my point, this man is not negotiating, blackmailing, or anything else. He is accepting a surrender of 3/4's of his life. The wife, maybe not so much, but his kids -- are you S****** me, he is not negotiating, he is not blackmailing, you are tearing them away from him, and he is surviving.
and then you give what sounds like a throwaway line of "he is the father." I don't really care how much he does or does not interact with them, he was there for the months before they were born, the birth, the days after their birth, the night feedings, the diaper changes, the first steps etc. he didn't not experience the passion and pride of being a father. Maybe he didn't display affection to your satisfaction, and maybe he is a lousy husband. but you aren't just taking away his wife, or negotiating a 50million dollar stock deal. you are invading his home and his wife has joined you so he is marking his territory, and his values.

i wish for you happiness, but the way you describe the scenario, is like me describing the FO's latest and greatest move even when the rest of the Warpathers are telling me its a mistake. I hear no recognition in your tone that you get the fact that just cuz the kids think you are cool, does not translate to them loving their dad any less.
I doubt I will respond any more Jsarno, I HOPE you have a happy life, and I am sure your intentions are good. Please tread carefully kind sir.
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Old 03-03-2009, 04:24 PM   #98
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by mredskins View Post
Have you consider the logistics of this at all? Say everything works out and you are spooning Julia Guila every night in your little love nest. Have you thought about what it is like to live with and raise children? It is probably the largest resopinisibilty you can take on as a human. My wife and I had our son 11 months ago and our lives easily did a 180 (if not a 720 but we never returned to the same postition). I know her kids are not infants but it is going to be a huge adjustment for you.

I would say run free find another fish in the sea. At some point the lovey dovey part is going to wash off between you and Julia Gulia and the reality of the stituation is going to hit you like a ton of bricks.

I can picture you now standing in a trailer's kitchen holding a sippy cup and wondering what the hell happen to my life, as the kids are screaming and running all around you.
lol. Aside from the trailer, that describes me to a tee. Well, almost any father I assume.
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Old 03-03-2009, 04:31 PM   #99
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Re: advice needed...

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lol. Aside from the trailer, that describes me to a tee. Well, almost any father I assume.

It is not a bad thing but if you are coming from being a person without kids to all of sudden raising two of them overnight, you are in for a culture shock, about a million volts to be exact.
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Old 03-03-2009, 08:01 PM   #100
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by SmootSmack View Post
If you don't mind my asking, how much of the appeal of being with Julia (again) is that it gives you the chance to be a dad (as it were), something that unfortunately wasn't happening with your ex-wife? Do you feel that's something you'd been missing and now you're getting that opportunity?
If you don't mind, I'd rather PM you that, if that is OK.
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Old 03-03-2009, 08:10 PM   #101
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Re: advice needed...

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Originally Posted by CRedskinsRule View Post

i wish for you happiness, but the way you describe the scenario, is like me describing the FO's latest and greatest move even when the rest of the Warpathers are telling me its a mistake. I hear no recognition in your tone that you get the fact that just cuz the kids think you are cool, does not translate to them loving their dad any less.
I sincerely hope they won't love him less. I'm not trying to take his place, but hope to be a valuable addition.

Quote:
I doubt I will respond any more Jsarno, I HOPE you have a happy life, and I am sure your intentions are good. Please tread carefully kind sir.
Thank you.
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Old 03-03-2009, 08:15 PM   #102
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Re: advice needed...

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I just wanted to throw this out. Right now your the fun guy who comes and does stuff with them but soon you will be the guy who has to raise and now disciplin them. Thats when thing start to get a little crazy. You will hear at some point one of them say I want to go live with dad or your not my dad. The roles will now be reversed and he will be the guy who comes and plays with them and then brings them back. Your the one who has to now get them to bed and such.
Very valid points. Im sure that will happen some day, and I'm obviously not looking forward to it.
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Old 03-03-2009, 08:56 PM   #103
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Re: advice needed...

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He just today said he will let her go, but under conditions...he wants to move back to his home town (across the country), and he wants 50/50 custody. I find this to be a tad bit of blackmail.
Well then he is a dirtball if he is using the kids for leverage. If he was a grown up he'd face facts ask for 50/50 and stay near them. Moving across the country away from your kids expecting them to uproot themselves 50% of the time is baffling. It is selfish crap.

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Old 03-03-2009, 09:15 PM   #104
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Re: advice needed...

A few things:

1) If he's been abusive to Julia, as you say, why doesn't Julia stick it to him and go for 100% custody? If he's been abusive she has the legal grounds to do so. And it would seem to be in the best interests of the children. I have no idea why she feels the need to negotiate anything on that point.

2) The kids are 4 and 2 - or whatever young ages you said. Of course they adore you. The question is how will they see you when they're 8, or 11, or 14?

3) It's still highly coincidental that she called you up just weeks after having it out with her husband. In my opinion she's clearly using you.

4) Do you have a friggin job yet? If not, I mean you're not even a parent yet and are already becoming one of the most irresponsible parents I've ever heard of.

5) I'm very glad that the biggest problem I face tonight is how much to bid on that baseball/softball mitt on ebay. Sometimes you need a thread like this to make you feel better about your own life!
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Old 03-03-2009, 09:23 PM   #105
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Re: advice needed...

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A few things:

1) If he's been abusive to Julia, as you say, why doesn't Julia stick it to him and go for 100% custody? If he's been abusive she has the legal grounds to do so. And it would seem to be in the best interests of the children. I have no idea why she feels the need to negotiate anything on that point.

2) The kids are 4 and 2 - or whatever young ages you said. Of course they adore you. The question is how will they see you when they're 8, or 11, or 14?

3) It's still highly coincidental that she called you up just weeks after having it out with her husband. In my opinion she's clearly using you.

4) Do you have a friggin job yet? If not, I mean you're not even a parent yet and are already becoming one of the most irresponsible parents I've ever heard of.

5) I'm very glad that the biggest problem I face tonight is how much to bid on that baseball/softball mitt on ebay. Sometimes you need a thread like this to make you feel better about your own life!
AMEN!
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