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Old 07-06-2010, 07:53 PM   #1
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Advice On Women Thread.

So fellas I got a situation on my hands. I guess I'm not really soliciting advice as much as I want you guys to sort of weigh in...and if you have some advice for a brotha, let 'er rip.

First, let me give you some context. This is a little boring and long, but relevant.

I was in a serious relationship a little over a year ago. As serious as I've been for a long, long time. So my girlfriend's career takes a turn and her to Sudan for like two years. At first she didn't think she'd get hired. In fact, she wasn't even interested, but the minute she told me they were courting her I knew in my gut she was out of here. But at the time we were like, no biggie we'll see what happens. I'll visit Sudan, we'll Skype, talk every day and everything will be cool. She ships off, I cry at the airport like a little bitch and took my lonely, sad ass home.

The ensuing weeks and months I became disinterested and we didn't Skype as often. (Google Skype if you don't what it is). Long story short, she visited D.C. a few times before I could get to Sudan and we officially broke things off, oh, I guess at the beginning of this year. We remain good friends though. She's truly the best thing to ever happen to me. Super smart chick (in a Joe Gibbs sort of way). I have no idea what she wanted with me. It actually pains me, in a good way, to see GMScud and some of you guys pull the trigger, because I'm thinking that should be you.

I'm very long winded, bear with me. Since then I've been dating here and there, but nothing remotely serious. Just hook-ups basically. So recently me and a good friend started hooking up on a regular basis. We met on the Obama campaign a few years ago, but never spent much time together until we both got involved with Haiti. We created all these rules as to not get attached to one another and decided to keep things on the DL (if you don't know that means, your ass is old!) because we knew it wasn' t going to last long enough for it to even matter. But here's the rub fellas, we were spending time together like a couple and I caught some feelings. Yep, your boy 12th. But this girl, like the first one, is possibly leaving for Sudan or some other region in Africa soon. On a side note, and at the expense of sounding slightly racist, from here on out I'm only dating chicks with green card status or who can't leave the ****ing country. Seriously.

[Sigh]

Now we've broken things off, but remain very much in each other's space and talk all the time. The reason we decided to break things off is because we both agreed that if the other wanted to date someone else and it got serious, we would stop end it and stop having sex. I've since created more rules to keep my heart from being broken. I don't want to talk to her more than twice a week, but she's not complying. She finds a reason to text, email, call or we see each other at friends house. She's been seeing some asshole for two weeks, and it didn't work out. So here we are.

QUESTION:


How should I play this going forward?

Last edited by 12thMan; 07-06-2010 at 09:49 PM.
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Old 07-06-2010, 08:28 PM   #2
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

I feel you man...I've been there. I was seeing a chick for two years that wanted to save the children in Somalia after getting her masters. She wanted to leave the country for a few years for sure and I was cool with it for at least two years. I told her as much and asked her what's next after that? She replied "I don't know" and I told her if you don't know figure it out and let me know in a few days. Few days came and I asked her again and again she replied "I don't know." I knew it then and there it wasn't meant to be and I told her "go live her life and enjoy it." I figured I wasn't part of her plan and I moved on and she did too. Ever since then I haven't talked to her at all...I figured there is no point in small chit-chat.

In hindsight it was one of the best decisions I ever made because I'm now with a woman that I'm completely in love with and is going to my wife. And of course it doesn't hurt that I think she is hotter, smarter, is on the same page as me and when I asked her if she wanted to save children in Africa or some such place and she replied no.

My take know what you want this relationship to develop into and ask her if you're part of her plans...if she hesitates and gives you the "I don't know" line bail and find yourself another woman.
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Old 07-06-2010, 08:28 PM   #3
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

Ouch. So female #2 is leaving the country as well and you don't wanna get too attached because you know what's inevitably gonna happen?

Well, I can't give you too much advice on that because I've never been in that situation, but my gut tells me that if I was in that situation I'd probably enjoy the rest of my time with this girl until she leaves, and then deal with it when she leaves (aka mope around until a friend says here's a rebound girl, shit sucks but hey that's life for ya).

But it's different for every person. Everybody has their own way of dealing with things, some guys would be like, well I'll just try to distance myself from this chick now to avoid situation #1 playing out again later, and some other guys would be like, I better get in all the crazy sex and outrageous activities I can while the gettin's good.

So I can offer those words to help you basically, but it just boils down to, would you rather go through that hurt again by staying close to her or would you rather distance yourself now to ease the pain later? Only you can truly answer that question.
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Old 07-06-2010, 08:30 PM   #4
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

Here's my opinion 12th, for what it's worth: big picture she's leaving the country, little picture she's dating other guys. Seems extremely unlikely to me that this is the girl you will marry. You went into it with ground rules which she unfortunately seems to be adhering to. At this point, the best thing you can do is fall back. Let her think on things. Give yourself a chance to think to.

The worst thing you can do imo is be too available, to let her think that she's got you in the pocket and can always fall back on you if things don't work out with asshole du jour. Break off contact, be a little bit detached when you talk to her, and probably one of two things will happen...she'll realize she's been taking you for advantage...or she won't. Either way, you get to keep doing what you do best, which is big balling in big 12 world.
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Old 07-06-2010, 08:36 PM   #5
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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Here's my opinion 12th, for what it's worth: big picture she's leaving the country, little picture she's dating other guys. Seems extremely unlikely to me that this is the girl you will marry. You went into it with ground rules which she unfortunately seems to be adhering to. At this point, the best thing you can do is fall back. Let her think on things. Give yourself a chance to think to.

The worst thing you can do imo is be too available, to let her think that she's got you in the pocket and can always fall back on you if things don't work out with asshole du jour. Break off contact, be a little bit detached when you talk to her, and probably one of two things will happen...she'll realize she's been taking you for advantage...or she won't. Either way, you get to keep doing what you do best, which is big balling in big 12 world.
She's totally not marrying material. But she's definitely like or in love material, you know what I mean? I'm somewhere in between. Not totally in love, but a little more than just like.

She's giving a short speech tomorrow in here in D.C. and asked if I was coming (pardon the pun) to support her. I said yes but that I was cutting out early before things ended. I think if I can stick to the 2/per week rule she'll get the message.
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Old 07-06-2010, 08:40 PM   #6
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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I feel you man...I've been there. I was seeing a chick for two years that wanted to save the children in Somalia after getting her masters. She wanted to leave the country for a few years for sure and I was cool with it for at least two years. I told her as much and asked her what's next after that? She replied "I don't know" and I told her if you don't know figure it out and let me know in a few days. Few days came and I asked her again and again she replied "I don't know." I knew it then and there it wasn't meant to be and I told her "go live her life and enjoy it." I figured I wasn't part of her plan and I moved on and she did too. Ever since then I haven't talked to her at all...I figured there is no point in small chit-chat.

In hindsight it was one of the best decisions I ever made because I'm now with a woman that I'm completely in love with and is going to my wife. And of course it doesn't hurt that I think she is hotter, smarter, is on the same page as me and when I asked her if she wanted to save children in Africa or some such place and she replied no.

My take know what you want this relationship to develop into and ask her if you're part of her plans...if she hesitates and gives you the "I don't know" line bail and find yourself another woman.
I'm not a part of her plans and vice-versa. See here's the thing guys, we're both clear about what this is and what it isn't. We had many discussions about how having sex could screw up our friendship. So far it hasn't, but I'm honest about my feelings and she's somewhat coy. At least that's what I think.

I'm not trying to be in her life and she's not trying to be in mine, but I have to deal with her for the time being and I'm not enjoying the ride. If I cut her completely off, I look petty and immature.
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Old 07-06-2010, 08:48 PM   #7
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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Ouch. So female #2 is leaving the country as well and you don't wanna get too attached because you know what's inevitably gonna happen?

Well, I can't give you too much advice on that because I've never been in that situation, but my gut tells me that if I was in that situation I'd probably enjoy the rest of my time with this girl until she leaves, and then deal with it when she leaves (aka mope around until a friend says here's a rebound girl, shit sucks but hey that's life for ya).

But it's different for every person. Everybody has their own way of dealing with things, some guys would be like, well I'll just try to distance myself from this chick now to avoid situation #1 playing out again later, and some other guys would be like, I better get in all the crazy sex and outrageous activities I can while the gettin's good.

So I can offer those words to help you basically, but it just boils down to, would you rather go through that hurt again by staying close to her or would you rather distance yourself now to ease the pain later? Only you can truly answer that question.
Thanks. Well, me and number #2 aren't sexing anymore, so it doesn't really matter. And I'd be surprised if we all of sudden started again. It's just the big elephant in the room when we're around each other.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:09 PM   #8
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

12th, you want to be friends with benefits, just friends, or do you want to take it to the next level? It isn't clear to me what it is that you want.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:12 PM   #9
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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12th, you want to be friends with benefits, just friends, or do you want to take it to the next level? It isn't clear to me what it is that you want.
Good question. We swore it we would be just friends, then later we were like let's be friends with benefits until we both find that person. Because honestly there are some things I can't stand about this chick. But generally speaking I love her to death. Know what I mean?

But def not next level intentions here. Maybe I'm just bored and I need something to fill my mind?
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:13 PM   #10
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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She's totally not marrying material. But she's definitely like or in love material, you know what I mean? I'm somewhere in between. Not totally in love, but a little more than just like.

She's giving a short speech tomorrow in here in D.C. and asked if I was coming (pardon the pun) to support her. I said yes but that I was cutting out early before things ended. I think if I can stick to the 2/per week rule she'll get the message.
If that's where you stand on her, the choice is clear. In my mind, as soon as you determine a girl isn't marrying material, it's time to move onto the next one. Unless you're just trying to get your wee wee wet, then it's fine to keep it going. But it's kind of hard to do that when she's a continent away.

There's no point getting emotionally involved if marriage isn't a possibility. It will ultimately end in the same place.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:15 PM   #11
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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If that's where you stand on her, the choice is clear. In my mind, as soon as you determine a girl isn't marrying material, it's time to move onto the next one. Unless you're just trying to get your wee wee wet, then it's fine to keep it going. But it's kind of hard to do that when she's a continent away.

There's no point getting emotionally involved if marriage isn't a possibility. It will ultimately end in the same place.

Per your usual, you're making a reasonable and sound argument. And I totally agree with you. But how do you know someone is marry material before you know? True, I'm not going to marry this girl but I'm not with anyone else either. So I'm kind of in no man's land.

It might not be until November before she figures out exactly where she'll end up.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:22 PM   #12
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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If that's where you stand on her, the choice is clear. In my mind, as soon as you determine a girl isn't marrying material, it's time to move onto the next one. Unless you're just trying to get your wee wee wet, then it's fine to keep it going. But it's kind of hard to do that when she's a continent away.

There's no point getting emotionally involved if marriage isn't a possibility. It will ultimately end in the same place.
Another thing, how in the hell do you "not get emotionally involved"? It's pretty hard to un-ring the bell my friend.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:23 PM   #13
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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Good question. We swore it we would be just friends, then later we were like let's be friends with benefits until we both find that person. Because honestly there are some things I can't stand about this chick. But generally speaking I love her to death. Know what I mean?

But def not next level intentions here. Maybe I'm just bored and I need something to fill my mind?
Love grows stronger over time so if she isn't marrige material now she will be. If your feelings are stronger than hers and she is leaving I think it's best to just move on and get to work finding that person. I know she will be cause every guy around her wants to bang. Friends with benefits is only good if your on the same page or until some gets cut.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:27 PM   #14
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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Love grows stronger over time so if she isn't marrige material now she will be. If your feelings are stronger than hers and she is leaving I think it's best to just move on and get to work finding that person. I know she will be cause every guy around her wants to bang. Friends with benefits is only good if your on the same page or until some gets cut.
Hmm...
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:29 PM   #15
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Re: Advice On Women Thread.

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Per your usual, you're making a reasonable and sound argument. And I totally agree with you. But how do you know someone is marry material before you know? True, I'm not going to marry this girl but I'm not with anyone else either. So I'm kind of in no man's land.

It might not be until November before she figures out exactly where she'll end up.
Most times, when you fall head over heels, you start thinking this is the one. Then you get to know the person, and then you make a decision on whether you will marry or not. For you to come out and say she's not marrying material tells me you've already made up your mind about it. So with that out of the way, I think this relationship is already past the point of no return, so it's time to shit or get off the pot so to speak. Cutting the relationship down to a set number of contact each week won't work, as you've seen already because she's breaking the 2/per rule. So if I were you, since she's not the marrying type (and has Schneed and saden have already said), it's time to cut your losses and move on.
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