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understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Old 08-14-2010, 08:26 PM   #151
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by Gmanc711 View Post
Seriously.... I still think that a month is still a little early to start really doing anything drastic (I know you said it was like 32 days).... but eventually somethings gotta give. As others have stated, this is going beyond sex at this point... clearly something is either going on or is wrong.

And not for nothing, but if she's going to her parents house often, would it be nuts for you to stop by when she's over there? I mean I hope she's not cheating on you, but if thats a common theme, you might want to stop in or drive by to check it out.
She's not talking about it, instead she's resorting to name calling and domineering tactics. At worst serving her with divorce papers will send a warning shot without having to resort to empty threats and screaming matches and maybe she'll stop taking her marriage for granted. If they do end up getting divorced then Snake will save himself the pain of being stuck in not only a sexless marriage, but a loveless marriage.

Marriage is suppose to be tough, but not like this.

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Originally Posted by Mattyk View Post
What he said above. You've gotta have a serious talk but you can't get worked up or it will quickly go south. Stay objective and don't get caught up in the emotion of things.
This is very sound advice for any argument. Usually the person that ends up getting all worked up is the one that ends up looking like an idiot. Trust me I've looked like an idiot plenty of times, especially when I thought I was "laying down da law."
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:39 PM   #152
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Wow 3 pages already. I'm late to the party I guess.

Ok, most here would say don't ask SBXVII cause I sorta gave my opinion recently about being married after one of our fellow fans got married. But, I'll give you my two cents anyway.....

If it was a recent change- find out why. It sounds like she's mad at you about something. Perhaps something you said or did,.... or did not do. I agree with others, take this head on and approach her about it. It could be one of the above or something simple like she failed to pick up her pills and does not want to get pregnant.

The toughest yrs for any marriage is the first 5. Get past that and you should be doing somewhat well. My joking diatribe....is:

Couples date
Fall in love
*Have sex all the time.*
After the first yr of sex every night it turns into 3-4 times a week. Then after the second yr it turns into 2-3 times a week. Then your lucky to get it once a week and so on and so forth. Welcome to the club. It's a special club and only a select few can be apart of..... for those who are married. lol.

Every one has different issue yet similar....

What is similar is kids... usually. About the time couple have their first kid the wife is exhausted breast feeding all day and night. Your exhausted cause you wake up everytime the kid cries for food or your wife gets out of bed. For what ever reason women find it hard to be sexy and excited about sex while breast feeding or being exhausted. Even though she probably looks sexy as hell. lol.

On top of this wonderful problem we found out my wife was allergic to latex. Condoms would give her an infection which lasted a week to week and a half, then her period which lasted a week, then sex, and the whole process started over. I was getting it once a month.

After the second kid I was fixed and although sex was obviously not an issue anymore other things became the problem. See daycare is expensive so my wife took off and stayed at home and did daycare for other families to help make ends meet. Again I couldn't understand why she kept saying she was so tired at the end of the day. I mean how hard can daycare be? right? until I had to sit in for her so she could make a doctors appointment.

My problem now is she's in menopaus, which means high blood pressure and migraines. To top it off she does not want to take steroids for the menopaus cause she is afraid of possible breast cancer and growing hair everywhere. So in a nut shell she is also dry down there and sex using lube burns.

As I said in the other thread. She's my best friend, my confidant, and as bad as it sounds like I make it out to be..... I've learned I have to take the good with the bad.

Remember... for better or worse?

I'd say talk with her first. Find out if whatever the problem is can be fixed. If not then decide whats important to you.
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:43 PM   #153
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by Dirtbag359 View Post
She's not talking about it, instead she's resorting to name calling and domineering tactics. At worst serving her with divorce papers will send a warning shot without having to resort to empty threats and screaming matches and maybe she'll stop taking her marriage for granted. If they do end up getting divorced then Snake will save himself the pain of being stuck in not only a sexless marriage, but a loveless marriage.

Marriage is suppose to be tough, but not like this.



This is very sound advice for any argument. Usually the person that ends up getting all worked up is the one that ends up looking like an idiot. Trust me I've looked like an idiot plenty of times, especially when I thought I was "laying down da law."
This is most likely due to maturity. How old are they would be my first question. Just looking at what you posted not looking back I'd guess they are early twenties. These types of tactics are common with young newly weds. If they were older and name calling was used I'd say there definitly is an issue.
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Old 08-15-2010, 12:01 AM   #154
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by Gmanc711 View Post
Seriously.... I still think that a month is still a little early to start really doing anything drastic (I know you said it was like 32 days).... but eventually somethings gotta give. As others have stated, this is going beyond sex at this point... clearly something is either going on or is wrong.

And not for nothing, but if she's going to her parents house often, would it be nuts for you to stop by when she's over there? I mean I hope she's not cheating on you, but if thats a common theme, you might want to stop in or drive by to check it out.
I am assuming he had a nice chat with her...if he has and she is still acting like this it is time to play the American Beauty card if not the "this shit is over" card.
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Old 08-15-2010, 09:54 AM   #155
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

From what I gather, they're not really doing anything together. Anything positive at least. It's one thing to have a dry sex spell, but quite another to suddenly stop doing anything together
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Old 08-15-2010, 12:04 PM   #156
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by SBXVII View Post
Wow 3 pages already. I'm late to the party I guess.

Ok, most here would say don't ask SBXVII cause I sorta gave my opinion recently about being married after one of our fellow fans got married. But, I'll give you my two cents anyway.....

If it was a recent change- find out why. It sounds like she's mad at you about something. Perhaps something you said or did,.... or did not do. I agree with others, take this head on and approach her about it. It could be one of the above or something simple like she failed to pick up her pills and does not want to get pregnant.

The toughest yrs for any marriage is the first 5. Get past that and you should be doing somewhat well. My joking diatribe....is:

Couples date
Fall in love
*Have sex all the time.*
After the first yr of sex every night it turns into 3-4 times a week. Then after the second yr it turns into 2-3 times a week. Then your lucky to get it once a week and so on and so forth. Welcome to the club. It's a special club and only a select few can be apart of..... for those who are married. lol.

Every one has different issue yet similar....


What is similar is kids... usually. About the time couple have their first kid the wife is exhausted breast feeding all day and night. Your exhausted cause you wake up everytime the kid cries for food or your wife gets out of bed. For what ever reason women find it hard to be sexy and excited about sex while breast feeding or being exhausted. Even though she probably looks sexy as hell. lol.


On top of this wonderful problem we found out my wife was allergic to latex. Condoms would give her an infection which lasted a week to week and a half, then her period which lasted a week, then sex, and the whole process started over. I was getting it once a month.


After the second kid I was fixed and although sex was obviously not an issue anymore other things became the problem. See daycare is expensive so my wife took off and stayed at home and did daycare for other families to help make ends meet. Again I couldn't understand why she kept saying she was so tired at the end of the day. I mean how hard can daycare be? right? until I had to sit in for her so she could make a doctors appointment.


My problem now is she's in menopaus, which means high blood pressure and migraines. To top it off she does not want to take steroids for the menopaus cause she is afraid of possible breast cancer and growing hair everywhere. So in a nut shell she is also dry down there and sex using lube burns.


As I said in the other thread. She's my best friend, my confidant, and as bad as it sounds like I make it out to be..... I've learned I have to take the good with the bad.


Remember... for better or worse?


I'd say talk with her first. Find out if whatever the problem is can be fixed. If not then decide whats important to you.

Wow! Etch that stuff into stone.
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Old 08-15-2010, 12:16 PM   #157
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

This thread is definitely a TMI Hall of Famer
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Old 08-15-2010, 02:01 PM   #158
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by saden1 View Post
I am assuming he had a nice chat with her...if he has and she is still acting like this it is time to play the American Beauty card if not the "this shit is over" card.
From reading the other thread about my wife and our problem, you'd think I would be the last person to follow the "F YOU" card, but I did and it seemed to work. I mean, typically I just let shit happen and not worry, but the mom thing I was absolutely firm about and in the end, she got that she wasn't going to win.

I definitely agree that now a firmer stance is needed. Not a, "Get naked, you're gonna' take this!" type of stance, but it's time to not take anymore shit.
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Old 08-15-2010, 03:52 PM   #159
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Hey good morning everyone again.

Last night didn't go so well. I was watching the Skins game alone, because my wife went to visit her parents because it was her brother's 19th birthday.

When she came home, it was about quarter after nine. She sat down on the couch with me, and i began to wonder if I could try and get something going, so i cuddled with her a bit that at first she seemed receptive to. I was rubbing her shoulders, kissing her on the side of the head, etc...

She then said the couch was uncomfortable, so she got up and laid on the other one to read a book. (Not interested in the game). I knew now that things were going downhill and i realized that any chance i had of getting anything going was over. I thought it was smart to abandon the plan because i knew she was only going to get furious if i kept trying.

The game ended and I went to bed. I have to sleep on the farthest edge of the mattress because she doesn't like being touched and stuff while this drought has been going on. She got in bed angrily and called me a son of a bitch, and she said all i ever want to do when i get in bed is to sleep.

I tried to reason with her, explaining to her that i knew she was tired tonight and that by reading her book, she wanted space from me, which i respected. She just got angrier and angrier as i tried to reason with her, and i knew that soon i was going to have to look for another place to sleep. (She will take the pillows and lay down on the floor if I don't leave at night, and she knows that i will feel sorry for her and want her to sleep in the bed, which i do, so i leave).

I walked out into the living room at 11:30, sadly cracked open a 40 of Bud Ice that I had bought for this game, and started drinking it as I watched Mike Shanahan's post game conference.

I drank the 40 and fell asleep. I woke up this morning at 3:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. Going back in the bedroom isn't an option either as she locks the door when i leave, and i could only break open the door with a sledgehammer. So I played Madden, all the while wondering what today was going to be like.

She is at her parents house right now and running some errands. She said good morning to me, but i couldn't tell if she was being mean or sarcastic about it. I almost find myself waiting in fear for her next move...

I had promise yesterday i thought, because she wanted to talk about the issues, but tonight was just a step in the other direction...I will continue to pray and seek advice from people and start getting a gameplan together, because I do believe now that this is the beginning of the end.
Ok after back tracking to find this.....

She's mad at you. It's obvious. What is the question. I'm just guessing maybe throwing a hail marry who knows but my guess is .... she keeps coming home in hopes that you will have dinner for her or the house cleaned and instead she comes home to a house that still looks the same as she left and no dinner. It might even be that maybe she has dinner made or is making it for you during the other months and is wondering why you don't do it for her.

I could be wrong but whatever "it" is she will continue acting like this until you figure "it" out. What I recommend..... write her a note telling how much you love her and what she does that makes you happy. Then tell her you have racked your brain and can't figure out what is wrong and that you hope she will tell you so you can correct it. I'm not saying act like a dog who's been scolded, just play the game.

You see she is playing a game with you. She is mad at you and has cut you off to get your attention. That's a typical move from the female side. If you do love her and do want to be with her then you have to learn to play the game. It's obvious that out right talking to her will piss her off cause she thinks..."you should know what the problem is." So now play the game and write a nice note and mention that your oblivious to whatever you did or didn't do that has her upset and that you would like to correct it but can't if you don't know what the problem is. I guarantee after you leave the note and leave the house for whatever reason...work, icecream, shopping... whatever she will sit down with you and explain what the problem is.

Oh and make up sex is awsome.
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Old 08-16-2010, 08:19 AM   #160
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Hey guys im back. The weekend was kind of busy and I've got both good news and bad news to report.

I can tell you first that we made huge progress over the weekend. On Saturday we were together all day between going to yard sales and also going over to my father's for his birthday dinner. She told me that there are some nights that she is in the mood mentally, but physical exhaustion takes it from her.

She also told me that sometimes i annoy her or piss her off, leading to her not wanting to have sex. I guess there are annoying habits of mine that i am letting slip. (I had this problem when i was engaged).

And now the bad news: It will be Wednesday at the earliest that i can try again....Wife is having that monthly time....so i suffer a few more days, and hopefully end this horrible spell on Wednesday. Thanks everybody
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Old 08-16-2010, 08:29 AM   #161
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Dude lock yourself in the bathroom and toss off to Laura Croft.

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Old 08-16-2010, 09:34 AM   #162
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Hey Solid I know we butted heads in the Campbell thread but I can seriously feel your pain. From reading it seems that you like most men probably would like to have sex every second of every day. Hell you wouldn't have married her if you didn't. When I had my issues with my wife and believe me they went on for years. I would stay as persistent as I always had before. When I wanted it I asked, I asked why when she didn't want to and as a man I always wanted to break out my "toolbox" because I felt like any situation could be fixed. But what I found to be most effective was to not ask for sex. Now this took me a while to perfect because when the feeling came I was ready and she knew. But when you don't ask for it then they begin to wonder why. Eventually she asked me why and I was honest in saying that when I ask you're going to say no so why put myself through the bullshit. Which did end up starting an arument or 40. Never the less, we would have occasional sex and when I say occasional I mean like maybe once a month type of shit.

We've been to many marriage workshops and stuff like that. She finds the crap and I go. Usually it ends up helping in some way shape or form. Mostly with communication. We went to this Bible based joint early this year and the guys were talking about having sex and how it has to be done because it keeps the realtionship healthy. Now praying and all that before cranking ?..... cant do it. Because what I do in the bed has NOTHING to do with God unless she's calling him I can tell you that. But I say that to say tha communication is the key. It's not your fault that this is such a silent issue betwen the two but that what is missing. So be patient above all.

She would tell me how she would want to while she was at work but the seond she got home other things took over and she would eventually be too tired. We had many talks where I would tell her that I do everything that I should be doing around the house, with the baby, whatever and all I ask for is this one thing. Long story short, now I'm pretty much a lock to get some tail on weekends. Is it what I want ? Hell no. But, that's the tender morsel of heaven that I have to go with now. Sex is something that she never wants to talk about because she says she has this self esteem thing or that she doesn't feel right atlking about it. Which is crazy because the things that we have done....sorry Smoot. TMI.

Anyway, just stop asking her for it, make it seem as though you don't give a shit if you all get it in or not. Try not to breathe hard so that she knows that you're frustrated when she wants to spoon and if you blood rushes down there let it be. Compliment her and all of that good stuff. But under no circumstances do you let this be a deal breaker. You all got married for a reason, the sex will come. Now if this thread was titled "I'm Going Crazy Because My Wife Is A Bitch" then maybe we can start finding lawers. I got a friend who is close to divorce and it's a litle disheartening.

Keep the faith, Keep the love, be patient, and like Angry said whack it to Laura Croft. Or some good ol Lesbo Porn ! Or whatever you prefer, I just don't like dudes in mine. I'd say I'm about 99-1 on all chick to anything with a dude stuff. There have to be some pretty mean There are many sites where you can get 200 min of movie time for ONLY $19.99. I've still got my log in just incase there is another dry spell !

Good Luck Man !
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:45 AM   #163
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Shit you can get it for free at Pornhub. As many minutes as you want no membership and no fee.
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:57 AM   #164
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

This thread and the advice is going down hill fast.

Yes porn is definitely the answer to your issue. eyes roll
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:57 AM   #165
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by MonkFan4Life View Post
Hey Solid I know we butted heads in the Campbell thread but I can seriously feel your pain. From reading it seems that you like most men probably would like to have sex every second of every day. Hell you wouldn't have married her if you didn't. When I had my issues with my wife and believe me they went on for years. I would stay as persistent as I always had before. When I wanted it I asked, I asked why when she didn't want to and as a man I always wanted to break out my "toolbox" because I felt like any situation could be fixed. But what I found to be most effective was to not ask for sex. Now this took me a while to perfect because when the feeling came I was ready and she knew. But when you don't ask for it then they begin to wonder why. Eventually she asked me why and I was honest in saying that when I ask you're going to say no so why put myself through the bullshit. Which did end up starting an arument or 40. Never the less, we would have occasional sex and when I say occasional I mean like maybe once a month type of shit.

We've been to many marriage workshops and stuff like that. She finds the crap and I go. Usually it ends up helping in some way shape or form. Mostly with communication. We went to this Bible based joint early this year and the guys were talking about having sex and how it has to be done because it keeps the realtionship healthy. Now praying and all that before cranking ?..... cant do it. Because what I do in the bed has NOTHING to do with God unless she's calling him I can tell you that. But I say that to say tha communication is the key. It's not your fault that this is such a silent issue betwen the two but that what is missing. So be patient above all.

She would tell me how she would want to while she was at work but the seond she got home other things took over and she would eventually be too tired. We had many talks where I would tell her that I do everything that I should be doing around the house, with the baby, whatever and all I ask for is this one thing. Long story short, now I'm pretty much a lock to get some tail on weekends. Is it what I want ? Hell no. But, that's the tender morsel of heaven that I have to go with now. Sex is something that she never wants to talk about because she says she has this self esteem thing or that she doesn't feel right atlking about it. Which is crazy because the things that we have done....sorry Smoot. TMI.

Anyway, just stop asking her for it, make it seem as though you don't give a shit if you all get it in or not. Try not to breathe hard so that she knows that you're frustrated when she wants to spoon and if you blood rushes down there let it be. Compliment her and all of that good stuff. But under no circumstances do you let this be a deal breaker. You all got married for a reason, the sex will come. Now if this thread was titled "I'm Going Crazy Because My Wife Is A Bitch" then maybe we can start finding lawers. I got a friend who is close to divorce and it's a litle disheartening.

Keep the faith, Keep the love, be patient, and like Angry said whack it to Laura Croft. Or some good ol Lesbo Porn ! There are many sites where you can get 200 min of movie time for ONLY $19.99. I've still got my log in just incase there is another dry spell !

Good Luck Man !
I dont remember butting heads in the Campbell thread, but if we did I'm sorry. One thing I do like about the board is that with the exception of a few trolls that pop in here and there, people get along basically great here even when they are disagreeing.

Everybody has been giving great advice and it really makes me feel good to know that I am not alone. I still am shocked at the amount of men that get married and then the sex just dries up. Where are these women getting it from then??? I have a hard time believing that people just stop and are ok with it.

I found a USA today poll like i mentioned earlier, that was horrifying. 65% of married adults have sex only once a week, 20% have sex once every 2 weeks, and horrifyingly 15% have sex less than once a month....Somebody seriously needs to find out why. I find it hard to believe that every single man or women resort to prostitutes or having an affair to get what they need.
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