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understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Old 08-16-2010, 01:25 PM   #181
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by SolidSnake84 View Post
I can chalk it up to all the problems being on me....or caused by me.

I just want to know what it is besides my annoying habits, which i will explain if anyone wants to know
Well my divorce certainly was caused by two people, not just one or the other. My point before, was that if you want to resolve the situation, maybe you need to look at your actions as well as hers. If you are going to simply say yes I have annoying habits, but then blanket disregard them by making a sweeping declaration, then you will not succeed in making it work.
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Old 08-16-2010, 01:33 PM   #182
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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yesterday i was describing our recent drought (weather wise, not sex lol) to a neighbor, and i was telling him how lucky we were for the rain, because "people were near death" in my own words.
What? :confused-
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Old 08-16-2010, 01:37 PM   #183
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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What? :confused-
There is a big time water shortage here. A few people that live nearby has lost their wells. Before this past weekend, our area hadnt seen any rain in almost 3 months. There were water restrictions and a neighbor guy has to go take a shower at his mothers because he lost his well.

And i said people were "near death" because they were losing everything cause of the drought....water, crops, etc....
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Old 08-16-2010, 01:56 PM   #184
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Ok guys please dont laugh at me because i'm being brutally honest here:

she doesnt like her face being touched. I cup her chin sometimes to be playful.

I grab her butt when she isnt paying attention, and sometimes it makes her mad.

I have a habitually negative demeanor sometimes; i can be too overdramatic. For example, yesterday i was describing our recent drought (weather wise, not sex lol) to a neighbor, and i was telling him how lucky we were for the rain, because "people were near death" in my own words. Sometimes i say things like that and i honestly cant help it. it is so random.
Is she wearing makeup when you're touching her face? I can see how she wouldn't like that. Also some women don't like their chines touched because they think it will cause them to breakout (I've knew a chick like that). Garbing your wife's butt OK...that's your wife, not some random chick.

Try to cut down on things that annoy her but if everything you do annoys her it's time to jet. Do you, be you.
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Old 08-16-2010, 02:26 PM   #185
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

These last two or three threads make mine look like pee wee league.
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Old 08-16-2010, 02:36 PM   #186
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Hey Solid just stop asking her for sex man. Don't grab her butt either, that makes it seem like you are making an advance. Touching her face ? I don't know but that shit has nothing to do with sex. She's really just being a woman. Or nothing against your wife because my wife has this sickness as well that called bitchy. All women go through it. It'll be okay. Just be patient with her. The way you talk and joke around don't change that because that's you. You can't and IMO shouldn't help that. But touching her butt and all leave it alone. Let her be her. Still show the love and all that. Do what you do around the house and all. Simply just take sex out of it. Don't ask for it or anything. Don't make a joke about it, don't do anything that can be mistaken for you're trying to get some ass moves. She'll eventually ask you what the deal is and then you can let her know that you are being patient but something has to change. But whatever your vices are. Enjoy them. I drank and went to the clouds to ease my mind but that's just me. Oh yeah and I purged the sacks every week or so. Gotta find something. So unless you gonna find a side piece just find your happy place throughout this trying time.
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Old 08-16-2010, 02:42 PM   #187
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

I grab my wife's ass all the time. I tell her when I quit grabbing her ass there is a problem and after ten years she should be happy I still want to grab her ass. By the way guys a women has an ass a baby has a butt.
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Old 08-16-2010, 02:51 PM   #188
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by MonkFan4Life View Post
Hey Solid just stop asking her for sex man. Don't grab her butt either, that makes it seem like you are making an advance. Touching her face ? I don't know but that shit has nothing to do with sex. She's really just being a woman. Or nothing against your wife because my wife has this sickness as well that called bitchy. All women go through it. It'll be okay. Just be patient with her. The way you talk and joke around don't change that because that's you. You can't and IMO shouldn't help that. But touching her butt and all leave it alone. Let her be her. Still show the love and all that. Do what you do around the house and all. Simply just take sex out of it. Don't ask for it or anything. Don't make a joke about it, don't do anything that can be mistaken for you're trying to get some ass moves. She'll eventually ask you what the deal is and then you can let her know that you are being patient but something has to change. But whatever your vices are. Enjoy them. I drank and went to the clouds to ease my mind but that's just me. Oh yeah and I purged the sacks every week or so. Gotta find something. So unless you gonna find a side piece just find your happy place throughout this trying time.
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Old 08-16-2010, 03:12 PM   #189
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Being 47 with two small children, I can say - 32 days? pfffff. Standing on my head, watching porn and tying a string around my balls, I could do that easy.

At 25, yes - I can understand that 32+ days may seem like a lifetime. It's not.

What is a problem, as so many have noted, is not the lack of sex but the basic lack of communication going on. What that says to me is, rather than a drought of physical intimacy, you are really suffering through a drought of emotional intimacy. Just like physical intimacy, emotional intimacy also comes and goes. Not everyday can have the emotional high of our young love. Just as the excitement of a “first few dates” wanes so does the early “exploratory/sharing” phase of a relationship. It is then that the real work begins and, hopefully, you have laid the groundwork for it. Simply put, it’s easy to be “friends & lovers” when it feels good – it requires real love, however, to do so when the feelings occasionally wane.

To me, true love is not an emotion or feeling. It is not “warm fuzzies”. It’s a choice. And, it’s work. That’s why I hope you have already laid the groundwork for getting past this.

Our priest during pre-marriage counseling once explained marital love to me as this: There will be days you wake up and look over at your wife and say "I have no feelings whatsoever for this person" (Not, “I hate her” or “Boy she pisses me off” – but just days where her existence or non-existence simply doesn’t matter to you). Hopefully, those days will be few, but, when they happen (and they will), you have a choice to make – Do I still love this person? Even though I am feeling nothing, do I still want to be with this person?

[Believe it or not, she will face these same choices b/c, no matter what you do, and disregarding the fairy tales, you are not supercalifragilistically amazing 24/7. When you do not interest her physically or emotionally, she, too, has the same choice to make.]

If, when confronted with this “I just don’t care about you” mind-set (or its multiple varieties), you and she can choose to love each other still, you have a chance for a truly special marriage.

Right now, she seems to be going through one of these emotionally fallow phases.

Some have suggested you need to take the Dr. Phil approach – “How are you feeling? What are you feeling?” etc. Others have suggested the “Put up, or shut up” approach. Me, I am in the middle. It is important to understand her feelings – even if the feeling is “go away”, because only then can you react appropriately. However, you absolutely have the right to know why she is feeling emotionally distant from you. Even if her answer is “I don’t know”, as long as it’s the honest answer, then you can work on it.

She is your wife and you are her husband. She has a right to her feelings. You have a right to know them. It’s pretty much that simple.

Demand the time to talk to her and make time to do so. Sit down with her, remind her of the choice you made and the choice she made when you each said “I do”. The choice was to love each other – even when you didn’t feel like doing so. Communicate honestly. Find out what she is feeling and require her to be honest about it. Respond honestly to her statements. No simple answers allowed from either of you. The only way the marriage is over is if either one of you are not willing to put the work into it that you promised to do when you took your vows. If either you or she will not fulfill those promises, then, and only then, is the marriage doomed.

It’s your (plural) marriage. It’s your (plural) problem. Only the two of you can identify the problem. Only the two of you, together, can work past it.

Trust me, there have been many days in my 10+ year marriage when I looked at my wife and said - "I just wish she wasn't here" or "I wish I was anywhere else but with her". Each time this happens, I remember that it was my choice to be with this woman and that I made that choice freely and with good reason. Each time, she and I, together, have chosen to work past these times. Ultimately, I have never regretted that original choice and, each time we have made it through one of these rough patches, I realize my love for her is deeper and our marriage stronger. It’s not the stuff of fairy tales. It is, however, the best stuff of reality.

Work at it son. If she truly loves you, it is worth the effort.
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Old 08-16-2010, 03:21 PM   #190
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

^ Good stuff JoeRedskin much better then "just go watch a porno".
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Old 08-16-2010, 04:09 PM   #191
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by JoeRedskin View Post
Being 47 with two small children, I can say - 32 days? pfffff. Standing on my head, watching porn and tying a string around my balls, I could do that easy.

At 25, yes - I can understand that 32+ days may seem like a lifetime. It's not.

What is a problem, as so many have noted, is not the lack of sex but the basic lack of communication going on. What that says to me is, rather than a drought of physical intimacy, you are really suffering through a drought of emotional intimacy. Just like physical intimacy, emotional intimacy also comes and goes. Not everyday can have the emotional high of our young love. Just as the excitement of a “first few dates” wanes so does the early “exploratory/sharing” phase of a relationship. It is then that the real work begins and, hopefully, you have laid the groundwork for it. Simply put, it’s easy to be “friends & lovers” when it feels good – it requires real love, however, to do so when the feelings occasionally wane.

To me, true love is not an emotion or feeling. It is not “warm fuzzies”. It’s a choice. And, it’s work. That’s why I hope you have already laid the groundwork for getting past this.

Our priest during pre-marriage counseling once explained marital love to me as this: There will be days you wake up and look over at your wife and say "I have no feelings whatsoever for this person" (Not, “I hate her” or “Boy she pisses me off” – but just days where her existence or non-existence simply doesn’t matter to you). Hopefully, those days will be few, but, when they happen (and they will), you have a choice to make – Do I still love this person? Even though I am feeling nothing, do I still want to be with this person?

[Believe it or not, she will face these same choices b/c, no matter what you do, and disregarding the fairy tales, you are not supercalifragilistically amazing 24/7. When you do not interest her physically or emotionally, she, too, has the same choice to make.]

If, when confronted with this “I just don’t care about you” mind-set (or its multiple varieties), you and she can choose to love each other still, you have a chance for a truly special marriage.

Right now, she seems to be going through one of these emotionally fallow phases.

Some have suggested you need to take the Dr. Phil approach – “How are you feeling? What are you feeling?” etc. Others have suggested the “Put up, or shut up” approach. Me, I am in the middle. It is important to understand her feelings – even if the feeling is “go away”, because only then can you react appropriately. However, you absolutely have the right to know why she is feeling emotionally distant from you. Even if her answer is “I don’t know”, as long as it’s the honest answer, then you can work on it.

She is your wife and you are her husband. She has a right to her feelings. You have a right to know them. It’s pretty much that simple.

Demand the time to talk to her and make time to do so. Sit down with her, remind her of the choice you made and the choice she made when you each said “I do”. The choice was to love each other – even when you didn’t feel like doing so. Communicate honestly. Find out what she is feeling and require her to be honest about it. Respond honestly to her statements. No simple answers allowed from either of you. The only way the marriage is over is if either one of you are not willing to put the work into it that you promised to do when you took your vows. If either you or she will not fulfill those promises, then, and only then, is the marriage doomed.

It’s your (plural) marriage. It’s your (plural) problem. Only the two of you can identify the problem. Only the two of you, together, can work past it.

Trust me, there have been many days in my 10+ year marriage when I looked at my wife and said - "I just wish she wasn't here" or "I wish I was anywhere else but with her". Each time this happens, I remember that it was my choice to be with this woman and that I made that choice freely and with good reason. Each time, she and I, together, have chosen to work past these times. Ultimately, I have never regretted that original choice and, each time we have made it through one of these rough patches, I realize my love for her is deeper and our marriage stronger. It’s not the stuff of fairy tales. It is, however, the best stuff of reality.

Work at it son. If she truly loves you, it is worth the effort.
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Old 08-16-2010, 04:50 PM   #192
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeRedskin View Post
Being 47 with two small children, I can say - 32 days? pfffff. Standing on my head, watching porn and tying a string around my balls, I could do that easy.

At 25, yes - I can understand that 32+ days may seem like a lifetime. It's not.

What is a problem, as so many have noted, is not the lack of sex but the basic lack of communication going on. What that says to me is, rather than a drought of physical intimacy, you are really suffering through a drought of emotional intimacy. Just like physical intimacy, emotional intimacy also comes and goes. Not everyday can have the emotional high of our young love. Just as the excitement of a “first few dates” wanes so does the early “exploratory/sharing” phase of a relationship. It is then that the real work begins and, hopefully, you have laid the groundwork for it. Simply put, it’s easy to be “friends & lovers” when it feels good – it requires real love, however, to do so when the feelings occasionally wane.

To me, true love is not an emotion or feeling. It is not “warm fuzzies”. It’s a choice. And, it’s work. That’s why I hope you have already laid the groundwork for getting past this.

Our priest during pre-marriage counseling once explained marital love to me as this: There will be days you wake up and look over at your wife and say "I have no feelings whatsoever for this person" (Not, “I hate her” or “Boy she pisses me off” – but just days where her existence or non-existence simply doesn’t matter to you). Hopefully, those days will be few, but, when they happen (and they will), you have a choice to make – Do I still love this person? Even though I am feeling nothing, do I still want to be with this person?

[Believe it or not, she will face these same choices b/c, no matter what you do, and disregarding the fairy tales, you are not supercalifragilistically amazing 24/7. When you do not interest her physically or emotionally, she, too, has the same choice to make.]

If, when confronted with this “I just don’t care about you” mind-set (or its multiple varieties), you and she can choose to love each other still, you have a chance for a truly special marriage.

Right now, she seems to be going through one of these emotionally fallow phases.

Some have suggested you need to take the Dr. Phil approach – “How are you feeling? What are you feeling?” etc. Others have suggested the “Put up, or shut up” approach. Me, I am in the middle. It is important to understand her feelings – even if the feeling is “go away”, because only then can you react appropriately. However, you absolutely have the right to know why she is feeling emotionally distant from you. Even if her answer is “I don’t know”, as long as it’s the honest answer, then you can work on it.

She is your wife and you are her husband. She has a right to her feelings. You have a right to know them. It’s pretty much that simple.

Demand the time to talk to her and make time to do so. Sit down with her, remind her of the choice you made and the choice she made when you each said “I do”. The choice was to love each other – even when you didn’t feel like doing so. Communicate honestly. Find out what she is feeling and require her to be honest about it. Respond honestly to her statements. No simple answers allowed from either of you. The only way the marriage is over is if either one of you are not willing to put the work into it that you promised to do when you took your vows. If either you or she will not fulfill those promises, then, and only then, is the marriage doomed.

It’s your (plural) marriage. It’s your (plural) problem. Only the two of you can identify the problem. Only the two of you, together, can work past it.

Trust me, there have been many days in my 10+ year marriage when I looked at my wife and said - "I just wish she wasn't here" or "I wish I was anywhere else but with her". Each time this happens, I remember that it was my choice to be with this woman and that I made that choice freely and with good reason. Each time, she and I, together, have chosen to work past these times. Ultimately, I have never regretted that original choice and, each time we have made it through one of these rough patches, I realize my love for her is deeper and our marriage stronger. It’s not the stuff of fairy tales. It is, however, the best stuff of reality.

Work at it son. If she truly loves you, it is worth the effort.
You could follow this great advise or just quit cupping her chin.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:09 PM   #193
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

I say just let her read the thread and see what happens. Then you don't have to make any more decisions on the relationship.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:43 PM   #194
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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I say just let her read the thread and see what happens. Then you don't have to make any more decisions on the relationship.
How would you go about doing that? Leave the browser window open or send her an email with a link to the thread.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:44 PM   #195
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Success in a relationship is usually found when both parties compromise and are willing to listen to the other's feelings....usually...

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