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understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Old 08-12-2010, 03:50 PM   #16
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by TheMalcolmConnection View Post
And also, while I'm not 30 or 40, if there is no sex in THOSE marriages, that's a GIANT problem. Women reach their sexual peak in their thirties, so that doesn't sound right to me. Don't get me wrong, you won't be banging every night, but you should at least be getting it on the regular 2-4 times a week.
2-4 times a week is abnormally often for those age ranges in a mature relationship.

My wife and I are both 31, we run at about once per week to once every 10 days. How often is not important, it's the quality that matters. If the quality goes out, the relationship fizzles.
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:51 PM   #17
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

And Also, I agree with everyone who says that something is up/wrong...
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:52 PM   #18
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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And also, while I'm not 30 or 40, if there is no sex in THOSE marriages, that's a GIANT problem. Women reach their sexual peak in their thirties, so that doesn't sound right to me. Don't get me wrong, you won't be banging every night, but you should at least be getting it on the regular 2-4 times a week.
My wife will be 30 in a couple of years and we'll soon be "trying" for Little Smoots....so let the good times roll!

Look on the bright side Snake, you won't have to worry about a vasectomy if you ain't gettin' none in the first place
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:53 PM   #19
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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2-4 times a week is abnormally often for those age ranges in a mature relationship.

My wife and I are both 31, we run at about once per week to once every 10 days. How often is not important, it's the quality that matters. If the quality goes out, the relationship fizzles.
Exactly. I mean it's different for everyone, and to be honest if we DID do it daily, it kind of loses how special it is (and yes you can call me gay for saying that).
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:53 PM   #20
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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What changed between before the FL trip and after?

I'm in my early 40s and been married 10 yrs (together for 12). As TMC said, sometimes you hit a dry spell between work, kids, responsiblities, etc. But, your sex life shouldn't be over, and certainly not at 25. If you and your wife are completely happy in all other aspects, and the dry spell has only been a month, I've got to believe there's something going on in her head that she may not be talking about.
First off, great advice by Schneed10. I appreciate it deeply, and have never considered those issues. Regarding pregnancy, i highly doubt it, our sex life was shaky before FL, and absolutley ended when we got home.

To answer Sammy, its like somebody just flipped a switch...
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:55 PM   #21
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

They key is how drastic was this change?

Did you go from regularly doing it once a week to suddenly not doing it for 32 days straight? Because that tells me something is wrong.

Did she suddenly start taking a new birth control medicine? Because that really messes with the womens, that could easily explain a sudden change in sex drive and mood.

Or did the change take place gradually? Because that would tell me hormonal changes are going on with your wife that are reducing her sex drive. Sadly, this is not that fixable.
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:55 PM   #22
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

I wouldn't fret over 30 days. Of course the first question always is, maybe she got pregnant and is afraid to say, since it sounds like you aren't ready for kids yet. If you are married and happy, you need to really sit down with her and discuss it, find out what she is thinking, and why her behavior has changed. It seems kinda weird to be thinking of chucking it all this quickly. just my
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:57 PM   #23
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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She says she is either too tired or just doesnt feel like it. If i prod and push her too much about it, she gets angry. Like badly angry.

Last night i actually slept on our couch it was so bad.
While it's not uncommon for a marriage to have dry spell, it's still unsettling when it happens. You sound like me, blaming yourself and trying to figure out what YOU are doing wrong.

Sounds like it COULD be a physical/health issue...or hormonal. Is she on birth control pills? Years ago, my wife tried some BC and it had this same effect on her, it made her never feel in the mood. She stopped taking it...things returned to normal.

A wife can live without sex and just go through the daily routine otherwise and not even notice how long its been. A husband typically needs it to feel appreciated and a part of the marriage, so when its missing...we notice.

To them, it would be like a husband who stopped talking to their wife.

I would try a concerned approach to bring it up, but it will be a tightrope walk to not make her mad or feel like you only want her for sex...they're touchy with the subject, especially when in one of these "phases/moods".

Good luck. I wouldn't consider leaving the marriage at such a young age over this...work it out, try to wait it out until it's worked out. I know it's tough and confusing, but if everything else is OK with you two like you say it is, don't throw it all away, even if this IS a big issue that hurts you. It sucks to go through, but it can happen in any marriage. It's called life with a woman. It could pass and never happen again.

32 days is nothing/normal. Start worrying at the 3-month mark.
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:58 PM   #24
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

I also think dry spells work both ways... so if you take her out for some magical evening and she does right after that... maybe it will spark something... I tend to be a streaky person myself in alot of aspects of life... so maybe that will spark something?
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Old 08-12-2010, 04:00 PM   #25
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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I kind of thought this too. Are you questioning your feelings for HER too if you're talking about moving on after 32 days of no sex?
Not at all. I love her to death, but wanted advice on if the worst is coming and should I just end it now so that I can go ahead and get over her, and try and put my life back together.

I KNEW this would happen. I was warned. I just didnt think it would happen to me, or so soon.
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Old 08-12-2010, 04:04 PM   #26
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Oh you're not too young...it can happen in the mid-20s and early years of marriage.

There's a ton of sex at first, but even if the frequency dies down, it gets better quality-wise after the years go on.

Stick with it. Marriage is intended to be a lifelong commitment. To far too many people, they think of it otherwise when things get tough, or just change.

I know it's not easy right now, but it never will be.
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Old 08-12-2010, 04:05 PM   #27
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Stay or go after only 32 days? Too early for that...you need to talk to her and ask her what the issue is and frankly tell her "We are too young and kidless not to have sex. What is the problem? Is there something I need to know?" Take her out somewhere nice then ask her straight up what the mofo deal is and let her know a sexless marriage is a no-go with you.
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Old 08-12-2010, 04:06 PM   #28
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

No one brought this up but she might be cheating on you. I hope that isn't the case but that's a distinct possibility.
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Old 08-12-2010, 04:07 PM   #29
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

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Originally Posted by SolidSnake84 View Post
Not at all. I love her to death, but wanted advice on if the worst is coming and should I just end it now so that I can go ahead and get over her, and try and put my life back together.

I KNEW this would happen. I was warned. I just didnt think it would happen to me, or so soon.
It's just the two of you being comfortable with each other. The main thing is that when you DO plan something, don't force it at all. Just be cool, nice romantic night out, have a few drinks (JUST a couple) and see where that goes. Are you being affectionate at all (kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc?)??
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Old 08-12-2010, 04:09 PM   #30
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Re: understanding a sexless marriage: Should I stay or go??

Voicing that you knew this was coming is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. If you are consistently talking to her, or yourself about how you know that sex will come to an end, you may have created an atmosphere that suffocates sex.

When I ended my marriage we hadn't had sex in over a year. I wasn't talking about how happy we were together, I was calling her many many variations of life sucking b****. You seem to me a far cry away from that point, so talk to her, find out what is wrong. Hold her, tell her how you feel, and most importantly let her know that it's the intimacy, not the act that you are missing (assuming that is true).

I wouldn't rule out pregnancy as you did, she may be in the first trimester and just was starting to feel outta sorts before the Florida trip and now is full blown hormonal. I knew my ex was pregnant each time because she looked me in the eyes and said she wanted a divorce. By the time our last little one was coming I just looked at her and said "your pregnant". (as a note, that happened the first time we had sex after my second was born and the vasectomy was scheduled shortly after that!!!)

Anyhoo, talk, discuss, listen to her body language and her words.
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