Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

Three nuns are going into heaven and St. Peter stops them at the gate.

"Sorry ladies, I know your nuns but everyone has to answer one question before they can get into heaven. Given your life's work, I will be sure to make the questions simple."

The nuns, taken aback at having to pass a quiz to get into heaven, nonetheless agree to do so - "let God's will be done, ask away".

So St. Peter turns to the first nun and asks "Who was the first man?"
The nun replies quickly - "Ohh that's an EASY one, ADAM!"
As soon as the nun says the name "Adam", the pearly gates fly open, angels sing, trumpets blare and cherubim guide the nun into heaven.

St. Peter turns to the second nun and asks "Who was the first woman?"
The second nun also replies quickly - "Ohh that's an EASY one, EVE!"
Again, as soon as the nun answers, the pearly gates fly open, angels sing, trumpets blare and cherubim guide the nun into heaven.

Encouraged the third nun awaits her question. St. Peter turns to her and asks "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
Somewhat perplexed, the third nun replies - "Gee, that's a hard one..."
Immediately, the pearly gates fly open, angels sing, trumpets blare and cherubim guide the nun into heaven.

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,
the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon
making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided
the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his
bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up
the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying
to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in
a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at
the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the
whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the
shit out of a ghost"

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

one for the kids...


A string walks into a bar and orders a drink...

the bartender says, "we don't serve strings here"

so the string walks outside and unravels a bit, and twists himself all up and walks right back in and orders a drink.

bartender says, "we don't serve strings here"

string says, "Im not a string"

Bartender, "you are too"

string, "Im afraid not"

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Q: what did the mushroom say when he got turned down for a date?



A: why not, I'm a fun guy?

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[quote=canthetuna;237573]Q: what did the mushroom say when he got turned down for a date?



A: why not, I'm a fun guy?[/quote]

i dont get it

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

[QUOTE=Hail2theskins;237584]i dont get it[/QUOTE]

Fun Guy = Fungi

:)

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ooooooooooooooooo, im retarded

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[B]my sister told me this one so i'm not sure if it's exactly right...[/B]

there are these two guys whose favorite sport is baseball. they love it so much and manage to play as much as possible throughout their lives.

one day the one friend tells the other, "when we die, i hope that we can play baseball in heaven."

the second agrees and says, "yes. whichever of us dies first has to find a way to tell the other whether or not we can play in heaven after we die."

they agree and ,eventually, one of the friends ends up dying. a few days later he comes back to earth to tell his friend what he found out.

"so can we play in heaven," asked the still-living friend?

"well there's good news and there's bad news. the good news is that we can play baseball in heaven."

"what's the bad news?"

"you're pitching on friday."

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VT - you got it right...that's an oldie but a goodie.


What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in the desert?

Sandy

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A couple is getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up and everything... But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he mustn't be angry, that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, and then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says, "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The woman's face goes blank. He Continues - "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode. The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

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Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

The wife stood back up, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

[QUOTE=BDBohnzie;238116]What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in the desert?

Sandy[/QUOTE]

Haha. I never heard that one.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

Art.

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I've got a million of them

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the bank?
Buck

no arms and no legs in a tiger cage?
Claude

no arms and no legs in the men's room?
John

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no arms and no legs on stage?

Mike.

I just came up with that all by myself.

Actually, maybe he'd have legs -- just no arms. :)