Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

A pompous minister was seated next to a Redneck on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Redneck asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."
The Redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

HA! Nice. I read this one somewhere, but forgot where:

A mother and father are about to go to bed, but in passing their adult daughter's bedroom, they hear a buzzing sound coming from inside. They open the door up to find the daughter naked in bed with a vibrator. The daughter says, "Leave me alone! If I'm not married by now, this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

So the next day, the dad is walking by her door again, and again he hears the buzzing sound. Hoping it was something else, the dad opens the door to the same sight. Again she says, "Leave me alone! If I'm not married by now, this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Another day passes and the mom comes home and starts walks by the living room. Startled to hear the buzzing sound coming from the living room, she pops her head in, surprised to see the dad sitting with the vibrator vibrating all around the couch. She asks him, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" and he states plainly, "Watching the game with my son-in-law!"

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A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Fishing with his buddies."

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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asked the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician says "There's no charge" "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

[QUOTE=RedskinRat;234673]A pompous minister was seated next to a Redneck on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Redneck asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."
The Redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"[/QUOTE]

Shit, me three

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Akili Smith, NFL QB....Zing!

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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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This is kind of dumb and you've probably heard it, but shut up and read anyways...

A guy is walking along a pier one morning when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench crying. Being a nice guy he sat down next to her and said, "Ma'am, may I ask why you're crying?"
The woman looked up and said, "I'm so lonely. I've never even been hugged."
The man looked around and then decided to give the woman a nice big hug, then he got up an left.
The next day the man was taking another walk on the pier and happened to see the same woman on the same bench, and she was crying again.
"What's the matter, today?" he asked her.
"That was nice of you yesterday, but today I realized no man has ever kissed me. Do you mind?"
So again, he looked around and since he saw no one, he kissed her on the lips.
Afterwards she said to him, "Thank you, but I'm still kind of sad. Do you know that I've never had sex before?" Would you mind?"
Annoyed, the man looked around again; since he saw no one he picked the woman up and tossed her in the ocean. After he heard the splash he looked over the rail to see her struggling to stay above the surface.
Then he called down, "There, consider yourself fucked!"

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

[quote=ArtMonkDrillz;234765]This is kind of dumb and you've probably heard it, but shut up and read anyways...

A guy is walking along a pier one morning when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench crying. Being a nice guy he sat down next to her and said, "Ma'am, may I ask why you're crying?"
The woman looked up and said, "I'm so lonely. I've never even been hugged."
The man looked around and then decided to give the woman a nice big hug, then he got up an left.
The next day the man was taking another walk on the pier and happened to see the same woman on the same bench, and she was crying again.
"What's the matter, today?" he asked her.
"That was nice of you yesterday, but today I realized no man has ever kissed me. Do you mind?"
So again, he looked around and since he saw no one, he kissed her on the lips.
Afterwards she said to him, "Thank you, but I'm still kind of sad. Do you know that I've never had sex before?" Would you mind?"
Annoyed, the man looked around again; since he saw no one he picked the woman up and tossed her in the ocean. After he heard the splash he looked over the rail to see her struggling to stay above the surface.
Then he called down, "There, consider yourself fucked!"[/quote]

that so wrong, but soo funny!

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"I didn't spit, I sneezed. I'm allergic to holding" --DM

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Alright here's a classic one.

A hippie gets on a bus and sits down next to a nun. He looks at the nun and says, man i would love to have sex with you. The nun refuses as she doesn't want to take part in sex with him. At the next stop the nun gets off the bus. The bus driver looks at the hippie and tells him he knows how he can have sex with that nun. All he had to do was dress up as god, go to the local cemetery at midnight on tuesday, and the nun would be praying there. If he asked her to have sex with him, she probably would agree, because he looked like god. So the hippie dresses up as god, and goes to the cemetery the next tuesday at midnight. he sees the nun on her knees praying to god, and he hops out from behind a bush and says, I am god, will you have sex with me? And the nun says okay, but will you do it anally, as she doesn't want to break her vows or w/e. So he does her up the butt, and then after it's over, he pulls off his mask and says, ha! i'm the hippie from the bus. Then the nun pulls off her mask and says ha! I'm the bus driver.

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey - why the long face?"

Thank you, I'm here all week!

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A man walks into a bar...ouch

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off color..

What did one gay guy say to the other gay guy at the gay bar?

Can I push in your stool.

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A boy and his date were passionately making out in the movie theatre. He stops briefly for a breath and says to her, "I love to kiss you, but would you mind not passing me your chewing gum?"
To which she replies, "I don't have chewing gum, I have bronchitis."

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Why did God create Adam first?



He didn't want anyone telling him how to make a man.

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Two flies were sitting on a toilet seat. One got pissed off.

Thank you, i'm here all week lol ;)

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Why do women have boobs?

So you have something to look at when they're talking. (Thank you, Peter Griffin)

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**EDIT**
Nevermind!

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

[url=http://www.bigblueinteractive.com/petescorner2/forum_display.cfm?F1_ID=206254]BBI Corner Forum[/url]

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This isn't a joke but it's a really nasty pickup line that you could try if you were approaching a redneck chick.

Did you just fart? if so, you blew me away lololol.

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

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Last one for the day....

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

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Hahahaha -- good jokes everybody.

Here's a lame one:

What does Michael Jackson love about twenty-eight year olds? ...







There's twenty of them!
hardy har har

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Ah...chat up lines....

Ahem:

Young drunken man: "Can I smell your feet?"

Haughty young lady: "No, certainly NOT!"

Young drunken man: "Oh, must be your cunt then"

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10 Halloween Phrases that sound dirty....

10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag.... Oh! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees, and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

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This is a joke from a guy i was stationed with in Florida, he had all kinds of weird jokes. This one stuck in my head for some reason.

What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?


Putting her back in the wheel chair!

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Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico ." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up.

This time, she comes back pretty messed up - she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

"The cord was fine, but what the fuck is a Pinata?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX



A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?"

The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always something in everyones life."

Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX



A man walks into the Bank of America and shouts to the woman at the counter: "I want to open a fucking bank account". The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you - what did you say?" "Listen up, you fuck. I said I want to open a fucking bank account - right now!!" demands the man.

The shocked woman remembers her training and says "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank, I will get you my Manager".

The cashier leaves the counter and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no fucking problem" the man says. "I just won 150 million dollars in the fucking lotto and I just want to open a fucking bank account, you stupid fuck... is that okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this fat ugly bitch giving you a hard time?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX



A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in DC rush hour traffic and thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Cop replies, "It's Mark Brunell. He's just so depressed about his life - having to give up being starting QB, the thought of the disruption amongst his beloved Redskins, negative national football coverage, letting down the coaches, plaers and fans so badly that he's stopped his car in the middle of the 495 and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says he doesn't have the money to pay for his new house in Jacksonville. We're taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "About three hundred gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning."



XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

Okay, Here's one for the married (or soon to be) guys:

A guy is out drinking with his buddies and realizes it is waayyyy later than he realized and knows that his wife is gonna give him shit six ways to sunday for getting home so late. One of his buddies says to him "Don't worry, I have the perfect solution - it always works for me. Just go home, crawl under the covers give her oral sex til she orgasms and all will be well." So the guy does just that, comes in the door quietly, strips down, sneaks into the darkened bedroom, straight under the covers and does the dirty deed until she moans deeply and rolls over. Thinking all is well he quietly heads to the bathroom and, as he does so, sees his wife coming out. She whispers to him "Shhhhh, keep quiet - my mom came over to stay the night and she's sleeping in our bed.

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:vomit:

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A priest, rabbi, horse, and a pirate all walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What's this a joke?"

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Halloween Humor...

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for him to go and have a good time. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

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RedskinsRat: That was great!

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

[quote=jamf;236919]RedskinsRat: That was great![/quote]

Dude, which one? I was going to keep posting jokes until TAFKAS shuts me down. :oink:

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

Two English slappers (sluts) walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
Sharon inexpertly says "Viens a moi"
"Viens a moi?" says Tracy, "What the fack does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

+++++++++++++++++++++

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps wife on the shoulder and starts stroking her back. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

those are quality, especially the last one

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My (poor) joke contribution:

* * * * * * * * * *

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history.

* * * * * * * * * *

A guy meets this woman at a bar and takes her back to his place. One thing leads to another and the man starts to eat her out.

While he is doing this, he feels something in his mouth. He pulls a pea out of his mouth. He thinks this must be from his dinner and he goes back to what he was doing.

A few seconds later, and he feels something else in his mouth. He opens his mouth and he pulls out a piece of carrot. Now he doesn't recall having any carrots in his dinner, but decides he may have forgotten and he keeps on eating out the woman.

A few seconds more and he feels something in his mouth again. This time, it's a piece of beef and he distinctly remembers having chicken for dinner! So he says to the woman, "What's the matter with you? Are you sick or something?"

The woman replies, "No. But I think the guy before you was."

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

A duck walks into a bar and says " Got any bread?"

And the barman says "No"

And the duck says "Got any bread?"

And the barman, "No!".

Duck "Got any bread?"

Barman "I said, N-O NO!"

Duck "Got any bread?"

Barman "For cryin' out loud - N-O spells NO and I mean NO!!"

Duck "Got any bread?"

Barman, now incandescent with rage "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!"

Duck, oblivious to the obvious signs of danger "Got any bread?"

Barman, losing his last vestige of sanity "Look, if you ask me one more fucking time if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your fucking beak to the fucking bar, you stupid, feathered cunt!! WE HAVE NO FUCKING BREAD!!!"

Duck "Got any nails?"

Barman "No!"

Duck "Got any bread?"

Re: Joke Thread - Post 'em if you've got 'em
 

[quote=BigRed;236995]My (poor) joke contribution:

The woman replies, "No. But I think the guy before you was."[/quote]

:goodjob: however.......:vomit: