The closure thread
 

I am acutely aware that we all grieve in different ways and with different timetables. I have found myself throughout the day wondering when the rawness of losing Sean Taylor will finally fade. As fleeting memories of Sean would sneak into my thoughts during a meeting or while writing an Email so too would a deep sadness and eventually the shear desire just to forget it all. But it was after reading the article on Team Chaplain Brett Fuller that I finally realized what my path to acceptance would be. I intend this post to bring my pain to an end. I will share my thoughts with my faithful Redskins brethren and hopefully bring myself some bit of closure. I hope you too, my brothers and sisters of Redskins fandom, as you wander your path of mourning can use this thread to the same end if it suits your way of grieving.

[QUOTE]Fuller said the players have repeatedly asked him to help explain why this tragedy occurred over the past few days, but that he has no answer for that. Instead, he has asked them to consider the benefits they have reaped from knowing Sean as a person and a football player, asking them to pray and consider: "Why have I been so privileged to have Sean Taylor here with us?"[/QUOTE]--Brett Fuller

That statement by Reverend Fuller hit me right where it counts. It was an epiphany. I had spent the last two days sad, angry and bitter about our loss.

Sad that his poor baby girl will grow up without knowing her loving father. Sad that Pedro Taylor outgrew his beloved son. Parents should never outlive their children. Sad that his fiancée will spend the rest of her life raising her daughter knowing Sean died protecting them.

Angry that violence like this occurs, Angry that so many damn people die every day in this world who don't have to. Angry that the soulless perpetrators still breathes the same air that you and I do. The air that Sean deserves, not them.

Bitter that I had a hero taken. Bitter that I'll never get to the see the greatest Safety in the history of the game perform his miracles of athleticism again. Bitter that I'll have to spend the rest of my life knowing he WAS the best ever but he simply didn't get the time to put it all on the field for everyone to see. Bitter that I was robbed of the enjoyment he was to have given me for years to come.

For me, as a fan, it is the football that hits the hardest. That sounds callous but it is reality. I mourn the death of anyone I don't know personally with similar intensity. That is to say I genuinely feel badly for their family and friends but I am afforded the distance of anonymity in mitigating my emotions. Where that anonymity melts away is in football, for football is what Sean is to me on a visceral level. It is why my bitterness will be the hardest to overcome. Because Sean is football to me.

Realistically, my sadness for his family will probably never really die. I know decades down the line the crappiness of this situation for them will still pull at my heart. But it will surely dull. My anger will die the day that senseless violence ceases. That is to say probably never.

So my bitterness is where my attention will lay for it seems the most likely to be healed through action. Undoubtedly my bitterness is imperceptibly small when compared to the sadness, that sense of despair, of those closest to him. But it is what I am faced with and it has seemed daunting. But Reverend Fuller brought it home for me. He gave me the answer. I know now that I should not be thinking of what could have been. I should think only of what was.

- I think of the Superman athleticism.
- The devastating power in his tackles.
- The look of fear in his would be victim's eyes as he bore down for a hit.
- The swagger he held over the entire field.
- I remember the absolute lack of fear I ever had about him as a player since the moment he stepped on the field.
- I remember knowing, KNOWING, I was watching the birth and rise of a legend.
- And I remember how everyone who actually knows him, the ones REALLY hurting right now, have made me understand what he was to them as a friend and teammate. I'll probably remember this most forever.

These things help me leave behind the "what ifs" and "what coulda beens" and head straight down the path of "Oh man you should seen this guy when he was playing!"

I was a lucky man for being able to have Sean grace the field for my beloved Redskins and I'd rather simply remember that now. I will miss you Sean forever but I'll remember you more.

Re: The closure thread
 

Great, heartfelt post. I've been dealing with the same issues over the last couple days. Couldn't have said it any better. RIP Sean, we love and miss you!!!

Re: The closure thread
 

we were privileged to watch him on play on sundays . we owe it to him to not let anyone forget how great of a football player he really was

Re: The closure thread
 

That was a complete post FRPLG. For me, I don't know how long it's going to take, because every time I think of Sean Taylor, I still can't believe that I'm never going to witness him take the field in a Redskins uniform again. I think of all the plays he made, the way he played the game, and the way he was turning his personal life around and then I think of what happened Monday and it brings me close to tears again.

I consider myself very lucky to have this website to go to, because I know that everyone else out there is feeling the same pain that I am and we can communicate to each other and help each other get through this time together. Everyone on this site is like an extended family to me, and I'm glad that we can all come together like this in our time of need.

Rest In Peace Sean Taylor, you are in a better place now.

Re: The closure thread
 

Great thread. I spent a good portion of Monday afternoon thinking he had already passed away because I was given erroneous (at the time) information that he had already passed away. Turned out it was that he had flatlined.

Anyway during that time my first thoughts were to what I was going to be missing now as a Redskins fan. Heck, as a sports fan. And of course, I thought of his family and his young daughter.

Over the past couple of days I have reminded myself that, as cliche as it sounds, we must appreciate the joy that Taylor brought us. Even when he frustrated us with his late hits, missed assignments, etc we knew (and know now more than ever) that we were blessed, yes blessed, to be witnessing one of the most unique athletes of all time.

We mourn his death and that's acceptable and appropriate, but we shouldn't forget to celebrate his life.

Re: The closure thread
 

Excellent thread FRPLG. For me personally I think closure will take a while. But Fuller's words gave me many of the same thoughts as it did you. The pain of his loss will fade, as Marcus Washington said, only with time. The way we remember him is what's important. Not too many people were blessed enough to truly know Sean, and hearing the words of his teammates and coaches has helped me to realize the gift he really was to his family, team, fans, and this world. I'll be sad for a long time, but I'm proud that a person as great as Sean was a Redskin. I know the entire organization will honor him appropriately. I've been a fan my entire life, but I've never been drawn to a player like I was with Sean.

God Bless ST.

Re: The closure thread
 

Great post. In my mind Sean will never die. Every time I see a big defensive play for my beloved Redskins I will know Sean just helped make a play. I've accepted the fact the greatest NFL defensive player I've ever witnessed has passed (I'm only 19), but I refuse to believe he has left us forever. I'll miss you Sean, and I plan to represent you and the number 21 for as long as I live!

Re: The closure thread
 

For me I have tried to stop thinking about the years we will miss seeing him as a great player and think about the years we [B]did [/B]get to see. I try not to think about the how much he will be missed on the team I love, but think about all the things he did do in the time he had.

Having said that, the single most biggest thing that can lead to closure in this case is finding those who committed the crime and find some kinda reason behind it.

Re: The closure thread
 

Great thread, FRPLG. Very well put.

Glad we got to see him play the game as it's meant to be played--all out, all the time.

Rest in Peace, Sean!

Re: The closure thread
 

[quote=Hijinx;385506]For me I have tried to stop thinking about the years we will miss seeing him as a great player and think about the years we [B]did [/B]get to see. I try not to think about the how much he will be missed on the team I love, but think about all the things he did do in the time he had.

Having said that, the single most biggest thing that can lead to closure in this case is finding those who committed the crime and find some kinda reason behind it.[/quote]The thing that's hard for me as a Redskins fan is that this was the season that Sean really started to scratch the surface of his greatness. If he was this good at 24, how great might he have been at 27? I can't think of another Redskin whose career evolution I wanted to watch and savor more - Taylor would have forged a place with the all-time greats at the safety position. At least with YouTube, we can look back at many of the highlights he gave us in such a short time.

Re: The closure thread
 

Actually we can't, the No Fun League doesn't want any NFL videos on there, so if you see one on there it's not going to be up much longer. I'm disappointed that they are taking that stance on it.

Re: The closure thread
 

Good thread. I was telling someone that this sadness will linger for the remainder of the season without a doubt. Can't really explain it. I think I'm in a different stage of grieving about this, but definitely still grieving.

The best way I could explain why this particular athlete's death has impacted me so much was that I felt I had some emotional real estate, so to speak, invested in him; his career, his future. We were in a very peculiar way tied together and connected by those burgundy and gold colors he wore. Yes, it was the colors the connected us first of all. You see I had a strong affinity for the burgundy and gold long before Taylor came on the scene, so my affection for the Skins is not fleeting.

Then it was something about the way he played in those colors that actually brought them to life to me. He somehow elevated the level of competition...and he did it while being a Washington Redskin. It made me proud to say Sean Taylor plays for MY team. The moment we say "my" it somehow implies ownership. And if the Redskins were "my" team then, shit, so was Sean Taylor to a lesser degree.

And I think that's why I say real estate because no other NFL fan could lay claim to that fan ownership and embracing Sean Taylor and his unique gift quite the way I could. Nope, not like me and my Warpath brethren. They could appreciate his talent. They could admire his talent. They could even degrade his talent and call him average. Didn't matter. But they could never say, at least in my mind, I feel the same way you feel about #21. No more than they could visit my residence and say I feel the same way about this place that you feel. You see, Taylor took up residence in my mind on Sunday's. Proof of that is we would start threads about Taylor leading up to the game and afterward. Whether it was off season, pre-season or post season, Sean Taylor occupied our minds. I guess while we couldn't be legitimate and legal owners of the Washington Redskins themselves, we could somehow become minority owners of Sean Taylor's career. It sounds weird, but that's the only way I know how to articulate it.

I was looking forward to seeing him on Sunday's. I was looking forward to extending the history that we had. I would wait 120 hours during the week to spend time with the Washington Redskins and Sean Taylor just for three hours (or whatever it is) on gameday. Every Sunday our bond extended itself by another three hours. I held those three hours close and dear to my heart and mind. Now it's become clear that Taylor and I have no more three hours left to share. Superman has gone home. Oh, I'm sure there will be another super hero to land in Ashburn at some point, but you had better believe he won't be any Sean Taylor. Even if, by definition, he's a greater football player. He won't be Sean Taylor. And while I'll embrace him soley because of those burgundy and gold colors, I'm not sure he'll bring them to life quite like Sean Taylor did....for three hours every Sunday.

Sean, my next three hours on Sunday won't ever be quite the same now that you're gone.

Sean we love you.

Re: The closure thread
 

Absolutely touching, FRPLG. Very eloquent. Between Fuller's guidance and your thoughts, this actually helped me see a path to move forward on myself.

Re: The closure thread
 

Great post FRPLG.

I've been struggling to come to terms with this, every time I see it on the ESPN crawl or see it on the news it still seems so cruel and unreal to me. I think it was perfect that Sean Taylor played for Washington because his style of play was eerily similar to DC, no governor.

Re: The closure thread
 

[quote=FRPLG;385492]I am acutely aware that we all grieve in different ways and with different timetables. I have found myself throughout the day wondering when the rawness of losing Sean Taylor will finally fade. As fleeting memories of Sean would sneak into my thoughts during a meeting or while writing an Email so too would a deep sadness and eventually the shear desire just to forget it all. But it was after reading the article on Team Chaplain Brett Fuller that I finally realized what my path to acceptance would be. I intend this post to bring my pain to an end. I will share my thoughts with my faithful Redskins brethren and hopefully bring myself some bit of closure. I hope you too, my brothers and sisters of Redskins fandom, as you wander your path of mourning can use this thread to the same end if it suits your way of grieving.

--Brett Fuller

That statement by Reverend Fuller hit me right where it counts. It was an epiphany. I had spent the last two days sad, angry and bitter about our loss.

Sad that his poor baby girl will grow up without knowing her loving father. Sad that Pedro Taylor outgrew his beloved son. Parents should never outlive their children. Sad that his fiancée will spend the rest of her life raising her daughter knowing Sean died protecting them.

Angry that violence like this occurs, Angry that so many damn people die every day in this world who don't have to. Angry that the soulless perpetrators still breathes the same air that you and I do. The air that Sean deserves, not them.

Bitter that I had a hero taken. Bitter that I'll never get to the see the greatest Safety in the history of the game perform his miracles of athleticism again. Bitter that I'll have to spend the rest of my life knowing he WAS the best ever but he simply didn't get the time to put it all on the field for everyone to see. Bitter that I was robbed of the enjoyment he was to have given me for years to come.

For me, as a fan, it is the football that hits the hardest. That sounds callous but it is reality. I mourn the death of anyone I don't know personally with similar intensity. That is to say I genuinely feel badly for their family and friends but I am afforded the distance of anonymity in mitigating my emotions. Where that anonymity melts away is in football, for football is what Sean is to me on a visceral level. It is why my bitterness will be the hardest to overcome. Because Sean is football to me.

Realistically, my sadness for his family will probably never really die. I know decades down the line the crappiness of this situation for them will still pull at my heart. But it will surely dull. My anger will die the day that senseless violence ceases. That is to say probably never.

So my bitterness is where my attention will lay for it seems the most likely to be healed through action. Undoubtedly my bitterness is imperceptibly small when compared to the sadness, that sense of despair, of those closest to him. But it is what I am faced with and it has seemed daunting. But Reverend Fuller brought it home for me. He gave me the answer. I know now that I should not be thinking of what could have been. I should think only of what was.

- I think of the Superman athleticism.
- The devastating power in his tackles.
- The look of fear in his would be victim's eyes as he bore down for a hit.
- The swagger he held over the entire field.
- I remember the absolute lack of fear I ever had about him as a player since the moment he stepped on the field.
- I remember knowing, KNOWING, I was watching the birth and rise of a legend.
- And I remember how everyone who actually knows him, the ones REALLY hurting right now, have made me understand what he was to them as a friend and teammate. I'll probably remember this most forever.

These things help me leave behind the "what ifs" and "what coulda beens" and head straight down the path of "Oh man you should seen this guy when he was playing!"

I was a lucky man for being able to have Sean grace the field for my beloved Redskins and I'd rather simply remember that now. I will miss you Sean forever but I'll remember you more.[/quote]

I couldn't have said things any better. You really summed up many of the things that are on our minds. Thanks

Re: The closure thread
 

Great thread. I'm not sure when or how I will get closure on this. Everytime I see a picture of Sean and "RIP" or "Sean Taylor dies" I want to cry. I can't look at his picture without wondering what his last minutes were like. I still think about Sean squeezing the doctor's hand and making facial expressions and thinking, "What was he thinking?" or "How coherent was he?" I keep thinking about his daughter. I keep thinking about how terrified his wife must have been. I keep thinking about his bleeding on the ground and wondering if he suffered much. I keep thinking about him flatlining. I keep wondering whether his life could have been saved had the landlines been working and had he gotten to the hospital 10 or so minutes earlier. I am still stunned and in a state of disbelief when I think that he will never suit up for us.

I haven't been able to listen to music, because I feel too depressed. I was watching the Sixth Sense on TV last night and got chills in the opening scene when Bruce Willis is shot and laying down on the bed. I feel like I lost a brother and simply can't believe he's gone.

I think everyone deals with grief in his or her own way. I also think that everyone on this site love Sean as much as I did. But, for whatever reason, I don't think I am going to get over this for a long time.

Re: The closure thread
 

[quote=12thMan;385527]
[B] I was looking forward to seeing him on Sunday's.[/B] [B]I was looking forward to extending the history that we had. I would wait 120 hours during the week to spend time with the Washington Redskins and Sean Taylor just for three hours (or whatever it is) on gameday. Every Sunday our bond extended itself by another three hours. I held those three hours close and dear to my heart and mind. Now it's become clear that Taylor and I have no more three hours left to share. [/B]Superman has gone home. Oh, I'm sure there will be another super hero to land in Ashburn at some point, but you had better believe he won't be any Sean Taylor. Even if, by definition, he's a greater football player. He won't be Sean Taylor. And while I'll embrace him soley because of those burgundy and gold colors, I'm not sure he'll bring them to life quite like Sean Taylor did....for three hours every Sunday.

Sean, my next three hours on Sunday won't ever be quite the same now that you're gone.

Sean we love you.[/quote]

You just wrote the words that I have been struggling to write..

Re: The closure thread
 

I haven't been posting a lot in light of this tragedy. I guess I deal with loss differently than some on this site, but for me not surrounding myself with it helped. I was seriously a zombie at work these past few days but last nite I went out with some friends and it really helped. I've been going through denial and just found myself wishing that somehow something could be changed, but am slowly starting to accept it. I've always considered myself a die-hard skins fan, but i never would have dreamt in a million years that I would have felt such a personal connection with a player who passed away. I mean for christ's sake i didn't even feel like this when my own high school friend was murdered. It's peculiar how we identify with athletes and sports figures who we don't know outside of their uniform, but it's real nonetheless. I think by writing this up I am personally allowing myself to say goodbye and begin the healing process.

Goodbye Sean, U will be missed and never forgotten...

Re: The closure thread
 

I haven't been posting a lot in light of this tragedy. I guess I deal with loss differently than some on this site, but for me, not surrounding myself with it helped. I was a zombie at work these past few days but last night I went out with some friends and it really really helped. I've been going through denial and just found myself wishing that somehow something could be changed, but I am slowly starting to accept it. I've always considered myself a die-hard skins fan, but i never would have dreamt in a million years that I would have felt such a personal connection with a player who passed away. I mean for christ's sake i didn't even feel like this when my own high school friend was murdered. It's peculiar how we identify with athletes and sports figures who we don't know outside of their uniform, but it's real nonetheless. I think by writing this up I am personally allowing myself to say goodbye and begin the healing process.

Goodbye Sean, you will be missed and never forgotten...

Re: The closure thread
 

I haven't been posting a lot in light of this tragedy. I guess I deal with loss differently than some on this site, but for me, not surrounding myself with it helped. I was a zombie at work these past few days but last night I went out with some friends and it really really helped. I've been going through denial and just found myself wishing that somehow something could be changed, but am slowly starting to accept it. I've always considered myself a die-hard skins fan, but i never would have dreamt in a million years that I would have felt such a personal connection with a player who passed away. I mean for christ's sake i didn't even feel like this when my own high school friend was murdered. It's peculiar how we identify with athletes and sports figures who we don't know outside of their uniform, but it's real nonetheless. I think by writing this up I am personally allowing myself to say goodbye and begin the healing process.

Goodbye Sean, you will be missed and never forgotten...