On Marriage
 

For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to [I]her[/I]? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?

Re: On Marriage
 

1. Denny's, I had the waitress put the ring in her dessert. Not the most romantic place and she damn near choked on the ring.

2. At the time I thought that I was in love with her and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Now I am still with her and I imagine being with someone else all of the time.

3. Role playing definitely helps, but I found that the biggest thing that makes the relationship stronger is when you F up real bad and it jeopardizes the whole marriage. As soon as you realize that you can lose her for good it snaps you back to reality. The love of a good woman is irreplaceable. It makes you remember the way you felt when you first fell in love, though I would not recommend taking this course of action.

3. I married an older woman, so she had to do more adjusting to my immature habbits than I had to adjust to her. Over time you just start getting wiser about how you spend your money and time. On top of that you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and you start to make better decisions based on the two of you. Picking your battles can be thrown in there somewhere.

4. Honestly, children make a marriage tougher, but if it were not for my children our marriage might not have lasted. If your girl was wild before kids expect that behavior to come to a screeching halt. Guys tend to still be guys when they first have children. Most women become instant nurturers overnight. It usually takes us guys a while to catch up.

I know that I really haven’t told you anything, but in reality you cannot teach experience. At the same time everyone’s experience is different.

I wish you well and hope I have helped, even if the information provided was minimal.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Angry;562422]1
2. At the time I thought that I was in love with her and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Now I am still with her and I imagine being with someone else all of the time.
.[/quote]

LMFAO:lol:

Re: On Marriage
 

I think everyone should have to wait until at least the age of 30 to get married, and you should also have to live with that person for at least a year prior. No kids until after 30 as well.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Mattyk72;562469]I think everyone should have to wait until at least the age of 30 to get married, and you should also have to live with that person for at least a year prior. No kids until after 30 as well.[/quote]


I agree with you. I got married when I was 32 and had a kid at 34, my wife was 30 when we got married. We were together for 3 years before hand and had lived together two years. You really are not married until you have kids that is the big test, that may not be a fair statement but it sure feels like it.

Marriage and children are a lot of work. In a healthy marriage I think you always love the other person but at times your level of liking that person can raise and fall. It is all about compromise.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=saden1;562417]For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to [I]her[/I]? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?[/quote]

1. Surprised her with a romantic dinner at her apartment, flew in her parents, sister, and grandmother the next day to surprise her (again) and celebrate with my family. Had Mike Tirico do the play-by-play (just kidding)

2. Tax benefits...honestly because she keeps it real with me. She's blunt, which often pisses me off for sure, but at the same time there's something special about being able to be completely ourselves with each other. She was the first person I really didn't feel I had to try to impress all the time.

3. It's tough, because we're just not dating anymore. We have everyday responsibilities (work, bills), but we push each other to get out and be active. We've taken cooking classes together, tennis lessons, we go for runs together. I don't know if that's about a spark per se, but it keeps us in each other's company. Which is one of the nice things about married life. You always have something to do stuff with. By the same token, it also helps to allow us each to do our own thing when we want. Come Sundays in the fall I'll stay home and watch football and she'll hit up the outlet malls. Also, no matter what our time or budget constraints are, every week we have "date night". Just one night where the two of us go out and enjoy a night out.

4. It's not just about me (or her) anymore. Every decision each of us makes (big decisions that is), you have to think of the other person. What impact does it have on them? That's probably the biggest adjustment, having to think of someone else 24x7.

5. No kids yet

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=saden1;562417]For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to [I]her[/I]? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?[/quote]

"A man is a man all of his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your WIFE" -AL BUNDY-

LOL, sorry but i was rolling when he said that.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=saden1;562417]For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to [I]her[/I]? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?[/quote]

1. Tips: Never draw to an inside straight; buy low, sell high and neither a borrower or a lender be.

2. In Cumberland at a romantic bed and breakfest.

3. Because she was the only one crazy enough to say yes.

4. You expect me to give away ALL my secrets? You fool you.

5. Naps? Forget about it. Women hate sleeping men. Learning how to to "lose" the argument and still get my way.

6. Children are great, extra great. Hard on the marriage for the first 10 years as they require so much attention. Tends to make the marriage almost a business arrangement between the spouses as they deal with schools, bills, schedules, maintaining the house. Very important to on occassion take time to say "oh hey, I remember you - I think I really like you!", let her know she's still very much an attractive and beautiful woman.

Re: On Marriage
 

So does these mean your thinking of getting hitched?

I proposed on Christmas eve right before we head over to my aunts and uncles house for our christmas get together. It was funny because we did not tell anyone and just waited until someone finally notice her ring. My wife was funny because she kept waving her hand while she was talking to peopl and it took about an hour until my sister finally noticed her ring and my sister started yelling and jumping up and down as the rest of the family thought she was nuts. We have a 2 1/2 year old and she has actually brought me and my wife closer but it was a big adjustment in our life. I find one of the biggest thing in a mariage is to just be fair to her sharing in the everyday things that need to be done. Also be fair in your free time allowing her just as much free time as you take for your self. Like if you take 5 hours to go play golf make sure you give her the time to do something she wants to do for her self. Thats a whole lot easier without kids and its very important when you do have children. The main thing to keep in mind is to make sure she is the right person for you and you have alot of stuff in common.

Re: On Marriage
 

This is a great thread.

You know what they say about the reason a woman is smiling as she walks down the aisle right? Well, it's true unfortunately.

Got married at 31, it's been 4 years and we have a 3 yr old and a 2 year old. It's alot of work period but w/ kids it's more work.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Mattyk72;562469]I think everyone should have to wait until at least the age of 30 to get married, and you should also have to live with that person for at least a year prior. No kids until after 30 as well.[/quote]

What is the reasoning behind these policies?

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Angry;562422]1. Denny's, I had the waitress put the ring in her dessert. Not the most romantic place and she damn near choked on the ring.

[B]2. At the time I thought that I was in love with her and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Now I am still with her and I imagine being with someone else all of the time.[/B]

3. Role playing definitely helps, but I found that the biggest thing that makes the relationship stronger is when you F up real bad and it jeopardizes the whole marriage. As soon as you realize that you can lose her for good it snaps you back to reality. The love of a good woman is irreplaceable. It makes you remember the way you felt when you first fell in love, though I would not recommend taking this course of action.

3. I married an older woman, so she had to do more adjusting to my immature habbits than I had to adjust to her. Over time you just start getting wiser about how you spend your money and time. On top of that you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and you start to make better decisions based on the two of you. Picking your battles can be thrown in there somewhere.

4. Honestly, children make a marriage tougher, but if it were not for my children our marriage might not have lasted. If your girl was wild before kids expect that behavior to come to a screeching halt. Guys tend to still be guys when they first have children. Most women become instant nurturers overnight. It usually takes us guys a while to catch up.

I know that I really haven’t told you anything, but in reality you cannot teach experience. At the same time everyone’s experience is different.

I wish you well and hope I have helped, even if the information provided was minimal.[/quote]

Very nice post.


LOOOOOL

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=firstdown;562514][B]So does these mean your thinking of getting hitched?[/B]

I proposed on Christmas eve right before we head over to my aunts and uncles house for our christmas get together. It was funny because we did not tell anyone and just waited until someone finally notice her ring. My wife was funny because she kept waving her hand while she was talking to peopl and it took about an hour until my sister finally noticed her ring and my sister started yelling and jumping up and down as the rest of the family thought she was nuts. We have a 2 1/2 year old and she has actually brought me and my wife closer but it was a big adjustment in our life. I find one of the biggest thing in a mariage is to just be fair to her sharing in the everyday things that need to be done. Also be fair in your free time allowing her just as much free time as you take for your self. Like if you take 5 hours to go play golf make sure you give her the time to do something she wants to do for her self. Thats a whole lot easier without kids and its very important when you do have children. The main thing to keep in mind is to make sure she is the right person for you and you have alot of stuff in common.[/quote]


I got my finger on the trigger ready to fire at a beautiful figure. Only problem is she likes the idea of a fall wedding and I'm like "nu-uh, that's football season!"

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Mattyk72;562469]I think everyone should have to wait until at least the age of 30 to get married, and you should also have to live with that person for at least a year prior. No kids until after 30 as well.[/quote]

In principle I agree with this, but I'd say if you're as mature as a typical 30 year old when you're 25, then go ahead and get married.

I got married at 24, but was very much settled down and was continuously making mature decisions. It has worked well for me.

Likewise, if you're as mature as a typical 25 year old when you're 40, then I'd still say don't get married.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=saden1;562532]What is the reasoning behind these policies?[/quote]

The divorce rate is much higher amongst people who get married in their 20's vs. their 30's. Same for those that have kids early.

Feel each other out, if it's meant to be there should be no rush.

Re: On Marriage
 

I've been married twice. The first time, i did it for absolutely the wrong reasons (and quickly, knew each other less than a year) and was miserable every day. Every day. I dated my current wife for 3 years before popping the question and we were engaged 2 years before getting married. My 2nd anniversary is coming up on July 7th. I have not went to sleep unhappy once since being with my current wife, either while dating or married.

All of that said, the best advice I can give is this: Only get married to someone that you would want to be around all of the time, even if you couldn't have sex with her. If your personalities don't completely mesh, I think it's way too much of a compromise to live with. I'd also strongly suggest living together first before getting married. So many things come up that you could never imagine beforehand.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Schneed10;562536]In principle I agree with this, but I'd say if you're as mature as a typical 30 year old when you're 25, then go ahead and get married.

I got married at 24, but was very much settled down and was continuously making mature decisions. It has worked well for me.

Likewise, if you're as mature as a typical 25 year old when you're 40, then I'd still say don't get married.[/quote]

I hear ya I'm just talking in general terms.

Re: On Marriage
 

I got married when I was 20 and I must say that I agree with you Matty. I love my family and would not trade them for anything, but if I could do it all over again I would have waited. I was not ready. Fortunately for us things have worked out, but that is not always the case.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Schneed10;562536]In principle I agree with this, but I'd say if you're as mature as a typical 30 year old when you're 25, then go ahead and get married.

I got married at 24, but was very much settled down and was continuously making mature decisions. It has worked well for me.

Likewise, if you're as mature as a typical 25 year old when you're 40, then I'd still say don't get married.[/quote]


IDK I had a hell of time betwen 20 and 30 and if I was married probably would have not had as many life experiences. Plus if I had gotton married early my spank bank would be seriously lacking deposits. =)

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=mredskins;562552]IDK I had a hell of time betwen 20 and 30 and if I was married probably would have not had as many life experiences. Plus if I had gotton married early my spank bank would be seriously lacking deposits. =)[/quote]

Yeah, it depends on if you're the kind of person that likes or wants the kind of "life experiences" you're talking about.

Re: On Marriage
 

But to more directly address Saden's questions:

To propose, I took her to her old house, the one she grew up in, at which she and I spent so much time together. We started dating when we were 19 and we both still lived at home. It was a place that was meaningful to us. I liked that better than going someplace cliche and romantic, like Paris or something, which definitely doesn't fit my style. I didn't do anything special, just got down on one knee and asked her. Where and how you do it is all about your own personal style, whatever fits with your personality.

As for why I proposed:

- She was crazy hot and good in bed.

- She had become my best friend, which is important because when all the head-over-heels-in-love feelings give way to the routine of daily life, friendship needs to be the foundation of a good marriage.

- She was thrifty with money like me, and had similar expectations for spending time with extended family. Those are important, those two issues cause a whole lot of divorces.

- And she was crazy hot and good in bed.

As for adjustments, none relating to seeing family or spending/saving money. I've had to be cleaner around the house, not a real big deal. She likes to know where I am at nearly all times, but that's not a problem for me, my life is pretty regimented and I like it that way. Overall we're a pretty good fit.

On kids, kids change things because they require so much work. We have similar family values so we agree on how to raise the kids. But it's the division of responsibility that takes effort. If someone is going to give the kids the bath, feed them, and change the diapers, somebody else has to come up with dinner at night and do the dishes.

If your wife will be a stay at home mom then division of responsibility gets easier, but still takes coordination and open communication.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Mattyk72;562469]I think everyone should have to wait until at least the age of 30 to get married, and you should also have to live with that person for at least a year prior. No kids until after 30 as well.[/quote]

Divorce rates are higher for couples who live together before marriage.

Lots of data on this can be found on the Internet... do a google search for "divorce and cohabitation" -- the theory on why it happens is basically a lack of commitment.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=saden1;562417]For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to [I]her[/I]? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?[/quote]

I was married for almost 12 years, but my best advice is to marry the one YOU REALLY WANT! I wouldn't be divorced now if I followed that advice. I made it work with a friend for almost 12 years by being selfless. If you do anything to make a marriage work, it's selflessness. Women pay attention to little things that men don't really care about. Like if you have a bad day, and you don't give her that kiss, or hug when you get home like you always do, they file it and bring it up later (or explode later depending on the type of woman you have). [b]if you listen to nothing else, listen to this...[/b][i]Even when you are down, you need to think of them. When you get married, it's no longer about you, it's about her. After you have kids, then it's kids first, wife second, you last. If you are ready to put yourself behind others, then marriage is for you. [/i] Hopefully she will feel the same and treat you as such. A lot of men think marriage is sex whenever you want and all great days...marriage takes work. Sure, it can be A LOT of fun, and I wouldn't trade my 12 years of marriage for anything to be honest, I learned a lot. You just have to remember she is more important than you. You need to be ready to put the person you are with ahead of you forever. If you are selfish, you won't make it.
Can't help you with spark, my marriage had none. LOL. This is why I'll never marry a virgin again. haha. Now I have a ton of spark with my new fiance, but it's still new, we haven't hit that wall yet. Always try to spice it up though, routine gets boring VERY fast.
Everyone thinks their woman is that special someone, until they marry them. You need to KNOW this, and commit to it even when it's hard. If there is someone in your past that you think you love more, you better make sure that door is 100% shut, or explore that option first.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Schneed10;562581]Yeah, it depends on if you're the kind of person that likes or wants the kind of "life experiences" you're talking about.[/quote]


Everyone is diffrent. The married life you describe in post #21 would have sent me to divorce court. I like my freedom and never could deal with my wife always having to know where I am. Neither is right or wrong just what works for you.

Re: On Marriage
 

I'd say, keep the wanting to a minimum and you'll be fine. The more you want, the more suffering and disappointment you'll endure.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=saden1;562535]I got my finger on the trigger ready to fire at a beautiful figure. Only problem is she likes the idea of a fall wedding and I'm like "nu-uh, that's football season!"[/quote]
#4 from Smoot's post is the biggest thing. All the other stuff is personal to you and her and you'll do it right I'm sure.

Once married, your responsibilities definitely go: kids, her, whatever else she wants you to do, work, whatever else she forgot to ask earlier, whatever work didn't get done earlier,.......then you.

Before you pull the trigger, think about how you feel with her when there's been a problem/fight. If the happiness you have with her outweighs feeling that way about 20% of the time then you'll be OK.

Schedule the wedding for the weekend of Oct. 31.

Dead-man walking LOL

Re: On Marriage
 

How? I proposed at home, rose petals leading her to me on one knee. We had already started talking about marriage and once I got the ring designed and made, I picked a day and did it. We got married on the 5 year anniversary of our first date, and had lived together just over a year. So during that year, we were able to make adjustments to each other's habits. This past April was our 4 year anniversary.

If you are getting ready to propose and plan, remember this. Your wedding reception is just a big party for your family and friends that you are paying for. Do not let the guest list and money spent exceed what you are comfortable with.

Why? I proposed to my wife because she is not only my best friend, but she accepted me for who I was. She never tried to change who I was or what I was about, and I find myself very lucky. Now I'm adjusting into fatherhood, and there are definitely more bumps in the road than when i was adjusting to marriage.

Kids/Spark? With 2 kids that are 15 months apart, the spark is on a very low flicker right now, but we both understand that and try to do little things for each other when we can. And while our needs for each other are suffering a bit with the kids constantly getting our attention, our relationship hasn't suffered at all. We both have picked up slack for the other, and are doing the best we can raising our girls. My wife has a tough time having people watch the kids (not a trust issue, but a wanting to spend time with them issue, which I completely understand as we both work and don't have much time during the week with the girls), but we're slowly working on that so we can have some Us time. That's important, to have alone time away from the kids.

Advice? Communication is the key. If you can't talk it out with each other without one constantly getting hurt, it'll only make things worse in the long run. It's something my wife and I are constantly working on, as we're similar when it comes to sharing feelings. However, if you can get through a typical argument and both sides are content, you are on the right track.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=mredskins;562597]Everyone is diffrent. The married life you describe in post #21 would have sent me to divorce court. I like my freedom and never could deal with my wife always having to know where I am. Neither is right or wrong just what works for you.[/quote]

Exactly. Biggest thing here is to know thyself. Like if you're the kind of guy who still loves to go out to bars on weeknights and have the freedom to take off and do God knows what, then you should either refrain from having kids, or make sure the woman you're having said kids with is cool with taking on all of the responsibility.

If you go having kids without thinking about how it will affect the things you like to do, you're setting yourself up for depression and relationship complications when said unwanted change comes along.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=BDBohnzie;562615]How? I proposed at home, rose petals leading her to me on one knee. We had already started talking about marriage and once I got the ring designed and made, I picked a day and did it. We got married on the 5 year anniversary of our first date, and had lived together just over a year. So during that year, we were able to make adjustments to each other's habits. This past April was our 4 year anniversary.

If you are getting ready to propose and plan, remember this. Your wedding reception is just a big party for your family and friends that you are paying for. Do not let the guest list and money spent exceed what you are comfortable with.

Why? I proposed to my wife because she is not only my best friend, but she accepted me for who I was. She never tried to change who I was or what I was about, and I find myself very lucky. Now I'm adjusting into fatherhood, and there are definitely more bumps in the road than when i was adjusting to marriage.

Kids/Spark? With 2 kids that are 15 months apart, the spark is on a very low flicker right now, but we both understand that and try to do little things for each other when we can. And while our needs for each other are suffering a bit with the kids constantly getting our attention, our relationship hasn't suffered at all. We both have picked up slack for the other, and are doing the best we can raising our girls. My wife has a tough time having people watch the kids (not a trust issue, but a wanting to spend time with them issue, which I completely understand as we both work and don't have much time during the week with the girls), but we're slowly working on that so we can have some Us time. That's important, to have alone time away from the kids.

Advice? Communication is the key. If you can't talk it out with each other without one constantly getting hurt, it'll only make things worse in the long run. It's something my wife and I are constantly working on, as we're similar when it comes to sharing feelings. However, if you can get through a typical argument and both sides are content, you are on the right track.[/quote]


Wow this is a great post!

You are living my life to the power of 2. I have a 15 month old, kids are tough work. I love the people that have rocky relationships and decide to have a kid to try to smooth things over, LOL that is really going to work.

Keep on truckn' buddy you are on the right path!

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=BDBohnzie;562615]Advice? Communication is the key. If you can't talk it out with each other without one constantly getting hurt, it'll only make things worse in the long run. It's something my wife and I are constantly working on, as we're similar when it comes to sharing feelings. However, if you can get through a typical argument and both sides are content, you are on the right track.[/quote]

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince (not to be confused with The Artist Formerly Known as SmootSmack) once wrote in one of his songs..."would you run to me if somebody hurt you, even if that somebody was me"

That's kind of what's it about. You have to be willing to communicate no matter how difficult. Admittedly, my wife is much better at this than me.

Re: On Marriage
 

[IMG]http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/0eOT7TB1lm2da/610x.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/8398/halfhousesd8.jpg[/IMG]

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=saden1;562535]I got my finger on the trigger ready to fire at a beautiful figure. Only problem is she likes the idea of a fall wedding and I'm like "nu-uh, that's football season!"[/quote]

Maybe thats the real reason behind the bye week?

Re: On Marriage
 

Both the NFL season and anniversaries occur annually right? It's best to avoid anything in the fall as it could result in missing a game for something more important.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=saden1;562665]Both the NFL season and anniversaries occur annually right? It's best to avoid anything in the fall as it could result in missing a game for something more important.[/quote]

This guy is thinking ahead! Unless her ideal anniversary date is a Skins game, DON'T DO IT!

Re: On Marriage
 

marriage is pointless. If you're committed then stay committed. If you're not then leave. I cannot for the life of me understand why people would intentionally "limit their options" only to make it harder for them to live separate lives if they change. Because other people do it? **** that. I am married by the way.

Re: On Marriage
 

when did we start getting censored???

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=Mattyk72;562469]I think everyone should have to wait until at least the age of 30 to get married, and you should also have to live with that person for at least a year prior. No kids until after 30 as well.[/quote]


Most of my friends married in their early to mid 20's. All of them but one are still married. That living together before marriage crap has been proven to be bogus. Statwise the couples have a higher divorce rate if they shack up before hand. The reason is simple. If you feel you have to shack up beforehand to try it out you already have some significant doubts about if this person is the one. Marriage is one heavy committment and you better be damn sure the person is for you. Shacking up is almost like giving a nice sports car a test run, you like it, but you know you can't buy it.

Re: On Marriage
 

Good thread. I have nothing to add, but much to learn.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=saden1;562417]For those of you who are married what tips do you have for us unmarried guys? How and where did you propose? Why did you propose to [I]her[/I]? What do you do to keep the spark going? What kind of adjustments did you have to make? What kind of impact have the children had on your marriage?[/quote]


You should cut your genitalia off and give it her in a gift box.

Re: On Marriage
 

[quote=70Chip;562712]You should cut your genitalia off and give it her in a gift box.[/quote]

So you don't think a two state solution is feasible?