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-   -   Jokes - Sort of (http://www.thewarpath.net/showthread.php?t=5006)

RedskinRat 03-01-2005 11:32 AM

Jokes - Sort of
 
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
So he goes into the backyard ands sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "So you can talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what how much he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the guy says.

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a fucking liar. He was never in the CIA."

TheMalcolmConnection 03-01-2005 11:33 AM

Re: Talking Dog Joke
 
Hahahahaha....nice! We definitely need more joke posts on here.

RedskinRat 03-01-2005 11:40 AM

Re: Talking Dog Joke
 
Yeah, it's been a touch couple of weeks. I'm trying to lighten the mood.

TheMalcolmConnection 03-01-2005 11:45 AM

Re: Talking Dog Joke
 
I always hate it when people start telling jokes and I KNOW that I have like 10 of them that are pretty good but I can't even remember 1!!

RedskinRat 03-01-2005 12:24 PM

Re: Talking Dog Joke
 
[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=Sienna]Here's one for when you're surrounded by drunk friends:[/COLOR][/FONT]

Baby Polar Bear walks up to Mommy Polar Bear and says "Mommy, am I a Polar Bear?"

"Yes, dear, you're a Polar Bear. I am a Polar Bear, your Daddy is a Polar Bear. You're a Polar Bear."

"Oh, OK" says the baby Polar Bear.

A few minutes later the baby Polar Bear walks up to Grandma Polar Bear and asks "Granny, am I a Polar Bear?"

To which Granny replies "Yes, dear, you're a Polar Bear. I am a Polar Bear, your Grand Daddy is a Polar Bear, your Mommy is a Polar Bear and your Daddy is a Polar Bear. You're a Polar Bear."
"Oh, ok"

<[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=Sienna]Basically when you're hammered you try to go through the entire extended family of a Polar Bear, it makes it funnier, ok?[/COLOR][/FONT]>

The baby Polar Bear walks up to his sister and says "Sis, am I a Polar Bear?"

His sister says "Yes dear, you're a Polar Bear. I am a Polar Bear, your Mommy is a Polar Bear, your Daddy is a Polar Bear. You're a Polar Bear."

And the baby Polar Bear says "Then why am I so fucking cold?".

RedskinRat 03-01-2005 12:44 PM

Re: Talking Dog Joke
 
And:

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation.

They send an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted
island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and
see how they have adapted.

The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks
amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter".

He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks so
why don't you handle the cooking?"

The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese and says
"That leaves you to organize the supplies".

The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped.

They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on
the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and
porches and balconies. The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they
express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah
well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went all out and did the
my best".

The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're
greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food.

The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work
with" he says, "This island has loads of wildlife, edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them
inquires about the Japanese man.

"Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran
off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".

They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party
is organized. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the
Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a
coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his backside,
and shouts...
>
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> .... "SUPPLIES!!!"

RedskinRat 03-01-2005 12:47 PM

Re: Talking Dog Joke
 
Last one....possibly:

This fella was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for it and decided
he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation, then
decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my damn shoes on."

TheMalcolmConnection 03-01-2005 01:07 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
Hahahahahahah... I like that one!

RedskinRat 03-02-2005 07:39 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.

WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?
After 5 years your job still sucks.

WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
So feminists couldn't breed.

WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have balls.

WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?
A bitch who won't do as she's told.

WHY IS A BLOW JOB LIKE LOBSTER?
They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.

WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR?
It's Braille for "Suck Here"

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?
Lipstick.

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.

WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

WHAT IS A WIFE?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them.

WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG,TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
A hundred dollar bill

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PERIODS?
Because they deserve them.

WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

TheMalcolmConnection 04-06-2005 04:25 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

TheMalcolmConnection 04-06-2005 04:27 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, “Just what the hell is your secret?”

Bubba replied, “Well, coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ’em forever!”

The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

TheMalcolmConnection 04-06-2005 04:27 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

TheMalcolmConnection 04-06-2005 04:29 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud realizes, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

“Me too.” replies Jim, “Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects…Nothing!

Then the phone rings and it’s Jim. “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” he asks.

“I feel great.” says Bub. “How about you?”

“I feel great too.” Jim responds, “I don’t even have a hangover, we ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing…Have you farted yet?”

“No…”

“Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”

RedskinRat 04-06-2005 05:21 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
:biggthump :laughing2

wolfeskins 04-06-2005 06:12 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
santa enters the room from the fire place , he sees a good looking lady wearing a robe. the lady asks "santa could you stay for a while" . "ho, ho ,ho santas got to go, got alot of presents to deliver you know" santa replies. the woman unties her robe, exposing a little skin, and asks santa again if he would stay. "ho, ho, ho santas got to go, got alot of presents to deliver you know" santa again replies. the lady then removes her robe, lays down on the couch butt naked and spreads her legs wide open. she then asks santa again if he would stay. santa looks at her and says "hay, hay, hay santas got to stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way". :)

skinsfanthru&thru 04-06-2005 07:30 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
[QUOTE=wolfeskins]santa enters the room from the fire place , he sees a good looking lady wearing a robe. the lady asks "santa could you stay for a while" . "ho, ho ,ho santas got to go, got alot of presents to deliver you know" santa replies. the woman unties her robe, exposing a little skin, and asks santa again if he would stay. "ho, ho, ho santas got to go, got alot of presents to deliver you know" santa again replies. the lady then removes her robe, lays down on the couch butt naked and spreads her legs wide open. she then asks santa again if he would stay. santa looks at her and says "hay, hay, hay santas got to stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way". :)[/QUOTE]
:laughing2

SmootSmack 04-06-2005 11:57 PM

Football Terms That Sound Dirty But Aren't
 
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

TheMalcolmConnection 04-07-2005 12:00 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
Hahahahaha... these are all great. I'm glad we started posting these again. For a while I ACTUALLY was doing work today!

SmootSmack 04-07-2005 12:14 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

John Hasbrouck 04-07-2005 03:55 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
one blonde babe asked the other blonde babe which was closer the moon or california-the other blonde babe said I can see the moon i can't see california

John Hasbrouck 04-07-2005 04:00 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
I was at this bar with my girl and the guy next to me wanted to know why she kept grabbing at the air-I informed him she was collecting her thoughts

TheMalcolmConnection 04-07-2005 08:39 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
[QUOTE=TAFKAS]Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."[/QUOTE]

LOL LOL That's going on my "party joke" list!

wolfeskins 04-07-2005 07:55 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
a blond gets pulled for speeding. the officer that pulled her is also a blond. the officer says to the driver " let me see your driver's license " , "what does it look like" , asks the driver. the officer says " you know, that square thing with your picture on it" , the driver pulls out a compact mirror,sees her reflection and says "i found it" , she then hands it to the officer. the officer looks at it and says "oh my , i'm sorry , i didn't realize you were a cop too, your free to go"

wolfeskins 04-07-2005 08:04 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
miss crabtree asks darla " darla can you spell stupid and can you use it in a sentence"? s-t-u-p-i-d, buckwheat is really stupid. darla says , as she is laughing. miss crabtree then asks buckwheat if he can spell dictate and use it in a sentence. "no, i can't spell dictate but i can use it in a sentece, darla knows what my dictate like"

wolfeskins 04-07-2005 08:13 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
what do you call a blond doing a handstand ?
a brunett with bad breath.

did you here about the blond that tried to blow up he boyfriend's car ?
she burnt her lips on the tail pipe.

how can you tell if a blond has been using the computer?
there's white-out all over the screen.

the boyfriend asks his blond girlfriend to tell him if his left turn signal is working.
she looks at it and says "it's working, it's not working, it's working , it's not working.......

EternalEnigma21 04-08-2005 02:10 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
I went to Best Buy the other day checking out car stereos and they had all kinds of new advancements. They had regular single din CD players with built in lcd screens you could watch tv on. The salesman was showing me one i had an interest in that featured a handsfree tuner. He showed me how to work it by pressing the button that muted the sound and saying, "rock", and it scanned through the rock stations.
Then he said "jazz" and it scanned through the jazz stations. While in the middle of his demonstration some kids were playing around with the speakers nearby and damn near deafended the both of us. He shooed them away after turning their music of and walked back to me, looked around and said, "Fuckin kids".and the stereo turned right to micheal jackson.

JoeRedskin 04-08-2005 06:40 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
:lol: Niccccccce!

TheMalcolmConnection 04-08-2005 08:55 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.”

TheMalcolmConnection 04-08-2005 08:56 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, “I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”

Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.” Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

Finally, the guy said to Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”

So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”

TheMalcolmConnection 04-08-2005 08:56 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?”

“About three knots,” says the hooker.

“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

TheMalcolmConnection 04-08-2005 08:58 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

Redskins8588 07-27-2005 01:34 AM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in Bethel Park when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog's neck and saving his friend.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. "Penguins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Penguins fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Pittsburgh I just assumed you were," said the reporter and he starts writing again. "Steeler Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack." "I'm not a Steelers fan either," the boy said.

"Oh, I assumed everyone in Pittsburgh was either for the Penguins or the Steelers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Browns fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard From Ohio Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Hijinx 07-28-2005 01:12 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
A woman is working nights alone doing accounting work. Suddenly the door bursts open and in walks a masked man holding a shotgun. The man tells her to put her hands up.

"[i]But this isn't a real bank its a sperm bank. We don't have anything of value here[/i]," she says.

"I know what it is. Now put your hands up and get in the vault!!" So she puts up her hands, opens the vault, and walks in.

Then he tells her, "Okay, now open one of the containers and drink it down."

"[i]But its full of semem!!"[/i], she yells.

"Lady, one more word and I take your head off with this gun," the masked man replies.

So without another word she opens the container, puts it to her mouth and swallows every last drop of the semem. The man then rips off his mask revealing her HUSBAND!!

"Now really was that so damn hard?!!??!?"

TheMalcolmConnection 07-28-2005 01:28 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
LOL!!! Hahahahaha... I love low brow. :)

SmootSmack 07-28-2005 01:42 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
Rod Gardner is the final piece of the puzzle in the Panthers' quest for the Super Bowl

The Cowboys are the only real threat to the Eagles in the NFC East

Freddie Mitchell

Ba-Zing!

EternalEnigma21 07-28-2005 02:34 PM

Re: Jokes - Sort of
 
:lol: where do you come up with this stuff??!!!!


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