[Trample the Elderly]

Breaking news: Laron Landry traded for a grilled cheese to Buffalo. (Not the team, but the actual city) Laron will be in charge of the monkey cages at the Buffalo Zoo. His responsibilties include cleaning monkey feces and getting the piss knocked out of him by the gorillas.

Coach Shann-y-han said, quote: "Laron has been a vulgar err . . valuable part of our team, but when a deal like that comes along you just can't let it get away."

General Manager Bruce Allen has denied reports that he has considered trading falling-star RB Clinton Portis for a pack of Kools. "I'm not a big smoker, and I discourage our nation's youth from picking up a nasty habit like cigarettes."

You heard it here first folks.