[mooby]

Copying NBCSN's stock report format:

Stock up:

Jaret Patterson - looked decent in action today. Wonder why it took this long to give him some carries - I'm assuming Gibson's shin fracture is probably still an issue.

JD Mckissic - What was it, 8 catches on 8 targets? Way to be productive JD.

Chase Young - hey you made a play - giving us one last shot when we really didn't deserve it. Actually this is bittersweet because you really didn't make any plays other than this one. Your stock is still down.

Dustin Hopkins - 2 blocked field goals in 90 attempts. Enjoy LA.

Jon Allen - Does this mean we have to pay our players to get any decent production out of them?

Stock down:

Literally everybody else.

The defense - in a tied ball game late - you let them drive down the field for the touchdown. Fuck you for getting my hopes up for the first 55 minutes or so.

Heinicke - you fucking deer in the headlights. Is this what it feels like when Ralph Wiggum proclaims his love for Lisa and Lisa has to shut that shit down on live tv? "Look at this - you can see the exact moment his heart breaks." I'm just waiting for for the slo-mo replay of Heinicke crying on live tv as his last opportunity to redeem himself slips out of his hands.

Young Sweat 2.0 - Sack record my ass you dumb shits.

Bobby McCain - you premature ejaculate. Try catching the ball before you run with it.

Chris "I" Blewitt - 3 blocked field goals in 4 attempts. They shouldn't even let you back on the plane.

The fans - You fuckin guys. Nothing but optimism all offseason - "Heinicke looked great in spot duty last year" "Our d-line should be the best in football" "Everybody should take the next step this offseason" fuck you guys for getting my hopes up that maybe we could improve.

Myself - Somebody drive to my house and slap some goddamn sense into me for believing you guys. "Anything is better than Dustin Hopkins" really? REALLY? We as fans have the worst case of "the grass is greener" that I've ever seen.

The coaches - at this rate Ron won't get a third season. With our luck we're gonna have a top pick in an offseason where there the draft has no elite qb's available. I can't take another season of this mediocre display of football.