Advice On Women Thread.

[12thMan]

So fellas I got a situation on my hands. I guess I'm not really soliciting advice as much as I want you guys to sort of weigh in...and if you have some advice for a brotha, let 'er rip.

First, let me give you some context. This is a little boring and long, but relevant.

I was in a serious relationship a little over a year ago. As serious as I've been for a long, long time. So my girlfriend's career takes a turn and her to Sudan for like two years. At first she didn't think she'd get hired. In fact, she wasn't even interested, but the minute she told me they were courting her I knew in my gut she was out of here. But at the time we were like, no biggie we'll see what happens. I'll visit Sudan, we'll Skype, talk every day and everything will be cool. She ships off, I cry at the airport like a little bitch and took my lonely, sad ass home.

The ensuing weeks and months I became disinterested and we didn't Skype as often. (Google Skype if you don't what it is). Long story short, she visited D.C. a few times before I could get to Sudan and we officially broke things off, oh, I guess at the beginning of this year. We remain good friends though. She's truly the best thing to ever happen to me. Super smart chick (in a Joe Gibbs sort of way). I have no idea what she wanted with me. It actually pains me, in a good way, to see GMScud and some of you guys pull the trigger, because I'm thinking that should be you.

I'm very long winded, bear with me. Since then I've been dating here and there, but nothing remotely serious. Just hook-ups basically. So recently me and a good friend started hooking up on a regular basis. We met on the Obama campaign a few years ago, but never spent much time together until we both got involved with Haiti. We created all these rules as to not get attached to one another and decided to keep things on the DL (if you don't know that means, your ass is old!) because we knew it wasn' t going to last long enough for it to even matter. But here's the rub fellas, we were spending time together like a couple and I caught some feelings. Yep, your boy 12th. But this girl, like the first one, is possibly leaving for Sudan or some other region in Africa soon. On a side note, and at the expense of sounding slightly racist, from here on out I'm only dating chicks with green card status or who can't leave the ****ing country. Seriously.

[Sigh]

Now we've broken things off, but remain very much in each other's space and talk all the time. The reason we decided to break things off is because we both agreed that if the other wanted to date someone else and it got serious, we would stop end it and stop having sex. I've since created more rules to keep my heart from being broken. I don't want to talk to her more than twice a week, but she's not complying. She finds a reason to text, email, call or we see each other at friends house. She's been seeing some asshole for two weeks, and it didn't work out. So here we are.

QUESTION:

How should I play this going forward?

[saden1]

I feel you man...I've been there. I was seeing a chick for two years that wanted to save the children in Somalia after getting her masters. She wanted to leave the country for a few years for sure and I was cool with it for at least two years. I told her as much and asked her what's next after that? She replied "I don't know" and I told her if you don't know figure it out and let me know in a few days. Few days came and I asked her again and again she replied "I don't know." I knew it then and there it wasn't meant to be and I told her "go live her life and enjoy it." I figured I wasn't part of her plan and I moved on and she did too. Ever since then I haven't talked to her at all...I figured there is no point in small chit-chat.

In hindsight it was one of the best decisions I ever made because I'm now with a woman that I'm completely in love with and is going to my wife. And of course it doesn't hurt that I think she is hotter, smarter, is on the same page as me and when I asked her if she wanted to save children in Africa or some such place and she replied no.

My take know what you want this relationship to develop into and ask her if you're part of her plans...if she hesitates and gives you the "I don't know" line bail and find yourself another woman.

[12thMan]

Originally Posted by saden1

I feel you man...I've been there. I was seeing a chick for two years that wanted to save the children in Somalia after getting her masters. She wanted to leave the country for a few years for sure and I was cool with it for at least two years. I told her as much and asked her what's next after that? She replied "I don't know" and I told her if you don't know figure it out and let me know in a few days. Few days came and I asked her again and again she replied "I don't know." I knew it then and there it wasn't meant to be and I told her "go live her life and enjoy it." I figured I wasn't part of her plan and I moved on and she did too. Ever since then I haven't talked to her at all...I figured there is no point in small chit-chat.

In hindsight it was one of the best decisions I ever made because I'm now with a woman that I'm completely in love with and is going to my wife. And of course it doesn't hurt that I think she is hotter, smarter, is on the same page as me and when I asked her if she wanted to save children in Africa or some such place and she replied no.

My take know what you want this relationship to develop into and ask her if you're part of her plans...if she hesitates and gives you the "I don't know" line bail and find yourself another woman.

I'm not a part of her plans and vice-versa. See here's the thing guys, we're both clear about what this is and what it isn't. We had many discussions about how having sex could screw up our friendship. So far it hasn't, but I'm honest about my feelings and she's somewhat coy. At least that's what I think.

I'm not trying to be in her life and she's not trying to be in mine, but I have to deal with her for the time being and I'm not enjoying the ride. If I cut her completely off, I look petty and immature.

[mooby]

Ouch. So female #2 is leaving the country as well and you don't wanna get too attached because you know what's inevitably gonna happen?

Well, I can't give you too much advice on that because I've never been in that situation, but my gut tells me that if I was in that situation I'd probably enjoy the rest of my time with this girl until she leaves, and then deal with it when she leaves (aka mope around until a friend says here's a rebound girl, shit sucks but hey that's life for ya).

But it's different for every person. Everybody has their own way of dealing with things, some guys would be like, well I'll just try to distance myself from this chick now to avoid situation #1 playing out again later, and some other guys would be like, I better get in all the crazy sex and outrageous activities I can while the gettin's good.

So I can offer those words to help you basically, but it just boils down to, would you rather go through that hurt again by staying close to her or would you rather distance yourself now to ease the pain later? Only you can truly answer that question.

[12thMan]

Originally Posted by mooby

Ouch. So female #2 is leaving the country as well and you don't wanna get too attached because you know what's inevitably gonna happen?

Well, I can't give you too much advice on that because I've never been in that situation, but my gut tells me that if I was in that situation I'd probably enjoy the rest of my time with this girl until she leaves, and then deal with it when she leaves (aka mope around until a friend says here's a rebound girl, shit sucks but hey that's life for ya).

But it's different for every person. Everybody has their own way of dealing with things, some guys would be like, well I'll just try to distance myself from this chick now to avoid situation #1 playing out again later, and some other guys would be like, I better get in all the crazy sex and outrageous activities I can while the gettin's good.

So I can offer those words to help you basically, but it just boils down to, would you rather go through that hurt again by staying close to her or would you rather distance yourself now to ease the pain later? Only you can truly answer that question.

Thanks. Well, me and number #2 aren't sexing anymore, so it doesn't really matter. And I'd be surprised if we all of sudden started again. It's just the big elephant in the room when we're around each other.

[djnemo65]

Here's my opinion 12th, for what it's worth: big picture she's leaving the country, little picture she's dating other guys. Seems extremely unlikely to me that this is the girl you will marry. You went into it with ground rules which she unfortunately seems to be adhering to. At this point, the best thing you can do is fall back. Let her think on things. Give yourself a chance to think to.

The worst thing you can do imo is be too available, to let her think that she's got you in the pocket and can always fall back on you if things don't work out with asshole du jour. Break off contact, be a little bit detached when you talk to her, and probably one of two things will happen...she'll realize she's been taking you for advantage...or she won't. Either way, you get to keep doing what you do best, which is big balling in big 12 world.

[12thMan]

Originally Posted by djnemo65

Here's my opinion 12th, for what it's worth: big picture she's leaving the country, little picture she's dating other guys. Seems extremely unlikely to me that this is the girl you will marry. You went into it with ground rules which she unfortunately seems to be adhering to. At this point, the best thing you can do is fall back. Let her think on things. Give yourself a chance to think to.

The worst thing you can do imo is be too available, to let her think that she's got you in the pocket and can always fall back on you if things don't work out with asshole du jour. Break off contact, be a little bit detached when you talk to her, and probably one of two things will happen...she'll realize she's been taking you for advantage...or she won't. Either way, you get to keep doing what you do best, which is big balling in big 12 world.

She's totally not marrying material. But she's definitely like or in love material, you know what I mean? I'm somewhere in between. Not totally in love, but a little more than just like.

She's giving a short speech tomorrow in here in D.C. and asked if I was coming (pardon the pun) to support her. I said yes but that I was cutting out early before things ended. I think if I can stick to the 2/per week rule she'll get the message.

[Schneed10]

Originally Posted by 12thMan

She's totally not marrying material. But she's definitely like or in love material, you know what I mean? I'm somewhere in between. Not totally in love, but a little more than just like.

She's giving a short speech tomorrow in here in D.C. and asked if I was coming (pardon the pun) to support her. I said yes but that I was cutting out early before things ended. I think if I can stick to the 2/per week rule she'll get the message.

If that's where you stand on her, the choice is clear. In my mind, as soon as you determine a girl isn't marrying material, it's time to move onto the next one. Unless you're just trying to get your wee wee wet, then it's fine to keep it going. But it's kind of hard to do that when she's a continent away.

There's no point getting emotionally involved if marriage isn't a possibility. It will ultimately end in the same place.

[12thMan]

Originally Posted by Schneed10

If that's where you stand on her, the choice is clear. In my mind, as soon as you determine a girl isn't marrying material, it's time to move onto the next one. Unless you're just trying to get your wee wee wet, then it's fine to keep it going. But it's kind of hard to do that when she's a continent away.

There's no point getting emotionally involved if marriage isn't a possibility. It will ultimately end in the same place.

Per your usual, you're making a reasonable and sound argument. And I totally agree with you. But how do you know someone is marry material before you know? True, I'm not going to marry this girl but I'm not with anyone else either. So I'm kind of in no man's land.

It might not be until November before she figures out exactly where she'll end up.

[BDBohnzie]

Originally Posted by 12thMan

Per your usual, you're making a reasonable and sound argument. And I totally agree with you. But how do you know someone is marry material before you know? True, I'm not going to marry this girl but I'm not with anyone else either. So I'm kind of in no man's land.

It might not be until November before she figures out exactly where she'll end up.

Most times, when you fall head over heels, you start thinking this is the one. Then you get to know the person, and then you make a decision on whether you will marry or not. For you to come out and say she's not marrying material tells me you've already made up your mind about it. So with that out of the way, I think this relationship is already past the point of no return, so it's time to shit or get off the pot so to speak. Cutting the relationship down to a set number of contact each week won't work, as you've seen already because she's breaking the 2/per rule. So if I were you, since she's not the marrying type (and has Schneed and saden have already said), it's time to cut your losses and move on.

[Hog1]

Originally Posted by 12thMan

Per your usual, you're making a reasonable and sound argument. And I totally agree with you. But how do you know someone is marry material before you know? True, I'm not going to marry this girl but I'm not with anyone else either. So I'm kind of in no man's land.

It might not be until November before she figures out exactly where she'll end up.

Your mother or your sister will be happy to tell you if she is or not!
AND they will probably be right or LESS wrong than you

[Schneed10]

Originally Posted by 12thMan

Per your usual, you're making a reasonable and sound argument. And I totally agree with you. But how do you know someone is marry material before you know? True, I'm not going to marry this girl but I'm not with anyone else either. So I'm kind of in no man's land.

It might not be until November before she figures out exactly where she'll end up.

Separating the emotions from the logical course of action is nearly impossible when it comes to the fairer sex, I'll admit.

Based on this post, you're kind of leaving open the possibility that she could end up being considered marriage material. I read your other post as kind of shutting the door on that, but if the door is still a bit open, by all means continue on.

I think once you know a girl is no longer an option for marriage, then it's best to move onto the next. But if you're in no man's land for a month, a few months, a few more months, a year... after enough time goes by you should know whether you want to marry her. If you stay stuck in no man's land then it's a sign.

But hey, sounds like you got some time left to figure it out. Of course she could leave and break your heart, but is that really the worst thing in the world? Hurts for a time, but it wouldn't hurt your chances of finding another future Mrs. 12th down the line. If the door is still open, give it a go.

[over the mountain]

Originally Posted by 12thMan

Per your usual, you're making a reasonable and sound argument. And I totally agree with you. But how do you know someone is marry material before you know? True, I'm not going to marry this girl but I'm not with anyone else either. So I'm kind of in no man's land.

It might not be until November before she figures out exactly where she'll end up.

This was a question I was wondering. Then one day I was at a bar (surprise surprise) with a buddy. the bar was empty except for us and the bartender we were cool with. then walks in this girl, she sits down starts pounding miller lites and is laughing and talking with the bartender whom she was friends with aswell.

im looking over at her and am like "damn, i wish that was my girl, cute, havin fun, not taking life to serious". i didnt mean a girl like that, i meant that girl. something inside of me just said thats the one right there for ya buddy.

at the time i was living with another girl, a total bitch. i tried breaking up with her many times to no avail, she was a she-devil. one day she said she was pregnant, had this black n white sonogram of a fetus in a picture frame engraved OTM's first baby. things just were not adding up. a few weeks later i found her invitro fertilization papers and kicked her out of the house.

a few weeks later, i was at that same bar, the miller lite girl was there, i took her out to dinner and since then we have been living together.

i guess my point is, and im sure you heard this before b/c i did, if you have to ask the question of "is this the one" or "how do you know", well then my friend, you already know the answer.

when you meet the one, you will know. she will knock you to the floor. you will have no doubts. your world, your life, your existence, what you want to do on any given night suddenly have the same answer. shes your world, your life, you exist to protect and grow old with her, your doing her on any given night.

thats where i am now. the whole kids thing is the next step. what we have now is perfect, i have ideas of watching my brothers and others with their kids and how that just gives two people who love each another, even more intense focus of that love . . . but man, freeak, screaming kids, no money for the honey, your life is suddenly about this lil baby that is a creation and extension of you and your lady. and all this lil love child does is scream and poop. then at 3-4 it gets all demanding. then at 13 it tells you it hates your guts every day. then at 18 it garnishes your wages so it can get drunk and party and say it is studying but the lil f'er is 200 miles away and you have no way of knowing. then it turns 21ish and suddenly loves you again.

[12thMan]

Originally Posted by Schneed10

If that's where you stand on her, the choice is clear. In my mind, as soon as you determine a girl isn't marrying material, it's time to move onto the next one. Unless you're just trying to get your wee wee wet, then it's fine to keep it going. But it's kind of hard to do that when she's a continent away.

There's no point getting emotionally involved if marriage isn't a possibility. It will ultimately end in the same place.

Another thing, how in the hell do you "not get emotionally involved"? It's pretty hard to un-ring the bell my friend.

[saden1]

Originally Posted by 12thMan

Another thing, how in the hell do you "not get emotionally involved"? It's pretty hard to un-ring the bell my friend.

Space and time silences the bell..it is the best you can hope for in matters of love. And there is nothing petty and immature about walking away.