advice needed...

[jsarno]

Hey guys, sorry I have not been around for a while. Whenever I leave this site, i miss it.
Anywho, I have a question you guys...let me explain my situation to fill you in, cause a lot has happened over the past few months.

My wife and I have been having some issues for a while, to the point where I was just going through the motions, but felt I had to stick with it, cause I made a vow. I have been married for 12 years, so I figured I HAD to stick with it. Well, out of the blue, my ex-fiance calls me. She tells me she never stopped loving me. I hadn't talked to her in 12 years (the day before I got married to be exact cause I told her I would not get married if she just told me not to...but she was with someone). I turned white as a ghost when she called. I was never expecting that call. Well, I feel the need to tell you that, I shit you not, there was not a single day that past that I didn't think about her. She was my high school sweetheart, and I NEVER stopped loving her. My wife was option B, and Julia was option A, but when option A isn't available, you move on to option B right? Well to make a long story short, we rekindled our love, and the power of this is overwhelming! I started divorce proceedings (please don't judge me, I understand I am wrong, but I also know I have never been happier in my life, and I NEED to take this chance.) Well, my divorce was final as of Monday, but her situation has been more complicated. She is "pulling the trigger" as of friday next week. It's a long story as to why it is taking her so long, but just know 1- there is no doubt at all it will occur next friday, 2- there has been a lot of circumstance as to why it took her longer than me, including her kids issues. Her husband is violent, and some of you may recall that I am going on a cruise soon. Well, here is my first question: She is going to leave her husband the day before I go on the cruise and come with me and bring the kids. (no he won't be amazingly shocked cause she tried pulling the trigger about 3-4 weeks ago and he got VERY pushy with her...grabbed her by the throat and was going to going to punch her...long story there). So my first question is: if she leaves him a note saying she wants to separate, and takes the kids away for a week, does this look bad in court? (he is a very lazy person keep in mind, and does not fight for things like a normal man will...he is not even as close to as big or strong as me so I will be there to protect her) She doesn't want to take the kids away from him, cause he is not violent with them, but she wants to give him a week to cool off and get used to the idea that she will not be around, but she doesn't want to create legal issues. So is this a problem? (BTW- we are talking California laws...We are in San Diego right now, and I will be moving her permanantly in a week).
Also, question 2...I do not have a job here yet, and I can't seem to find an employment agency other than $8-10 hour jobs, which I can't afford to live on. I know there are those agencies that you can pay money to, and they will find you a job, but for the life of me, I can't find one. I need to get a job as soon as possible. My last day at work is next week, then I have vacation for another week...then I have no income. At least I have a decent amount in my checking account to live off, but this place is freakin expensive. Can anyone out there give me adice on an agency that can find me a job, or anything like that? Any advice would be helpful.
I know this a shocker to some of you, but please know, I have always thought of you guys as second family to me. We share a common bond of love for the Skins, and I know we have had some ups and downs over the years, but I really need your help right now. The love I have for this woman is beyond my own comprehension and I KNOW I am doing the right thing. My mother even told me (who HATES divorce by the way) that Julia (my ex-fiance) always brought out the best in me, and she can tell I am MUCH happier now, and thinks that I am doing the right thing going after happiness at such a young age instead of wasting my life. (I am not incredibly young at 34, but that is still young enough to start a family) My mother knew we were soulmates back then, and it's true, we are. I have always wanted a family, and a lot of you know my daughter died Jan. 30th of 2004...and my (now) ex-wife couldn't have kids. That always bothered me...now I have a chance at a family, and I am reaching for that brass ring.
Like I said, I know I am wrong in God's eye, but I really NEED this woman, and she really NEEDS me too. I have never been loved like this in my life, and it makes me a much better person.
Sorry for going on so long, so any advice would be great...thanks for listening guys, and thanks for being like a second family all these years for me. I know I have had my run ins with some of you, but I know it's cause we are passionate people. I've always loved this site and the people on it...as evident by my many posts. I hope you guys can help, but if you can't, thanks for listening anyway.

[gibbsisgod]

Be sure to never talk bad about her kids father. No matter how you feel about this other man, your best bet is to bite your toungue around her kids. If things ever do come to blows between the 2 of you, Try to keep the kids away from all the drama as much as possible. If you have alot of animosity towards this other guy, the kids will notice and may resent you for "breaking up" the family.

[gibbsisgod]

Originally Posted by jsarno

Hey guys, sorry I have not been around for a while. Whenever I leave this site, i miss it.
Anywho, I have a question you guys...let me explain my situation to fill you in, cause a lot has happened over the past few months.

My wife and I have been having some issues for a while, to the point where I was just going through the motions, but felt I had to stick with it, cause I made a vow. I have been married for 12 years, so I figured I HAD to stick with it. Well, out of the blue, my ex-fiance calls me. She tells me she never stopped loving me. I hadn't talked to her in 12 years (the day before I got married to be exact cause I told her I would not get married if she just told me not to...but she was with someone). I turned white as a ghost when she called. I was never expecting that call. Well, I feel the need to tell you that, I shit you not, there was not a single day that past that I didn't think about her. She was my high school sweetheart, and I NEVER stopped loving her. My wife was option B, and Julia was option A, but when option A isn't available, you move on to option B right? Well to make a long story short, we rekindled our love, and the power of this is overwhelming! I started divorce proceedings (please don't judge me, I understand I am wrong, but I also know I have never been happier in my life, and I NEED to take this chance.) Well, my divorce was final as of Monday, but her situation has been more complicated. She is "pulling the trigger" as of friday next week. It's a long story as to why it is taking her so long, but just know 1- there is no doubt at all it will occur next friday, 2- there has been a lot of circumstance as to why it took her longer than me, including her kids issues. Her husband is violent, and some of you may recall that I am going on a cruise soon. Well, here is my first question: She is going to leave her husband the day before I go on the cruise and come with me and bring the kids. (no he won't be amazingly shocked cause she tried pulling the trigger about 3-4 weeks ago and he got VERY pushy with her...grabbed her by the throat and was going to going to punch her...long story there). So my first question is: if she leaves him a note saying she wants to separate, and takes the kids away for a week, does this look bad in court? (he is a very lazy person keep in mind, and does not fight for things like a normal man will...he is not even as close to as big or strong as me so I will be there to protect her) She doesn't want to take the kids away from him, cause he is not violent with them, but she wants to give him a week to cool off and get used to the idea that she will not be around, but she doesn't want to create legal issues. So is this a problem? (BTW- we are talking California laws...We are in San Diego right now, and I will be moving her permanantly in a week).
Also, question 2...I do not have a job here yet, and I can't seem to find an employment agency other than $8-10 hour jobs, which I can't afford to live on. I know there are those agencies that you can pay money to, and they will find you a job, but for the life of me, I can't find one. I need to get a job as soon as possible. My last day at work is next week, then I have vacation for another week...then I have no income. At least I have a decent amount in my checking account to live off, but this place is freakin expensive. Can anyone out there give me adice on an agency that can find me a job, or anything like that? Any advice would be helpful.
I know this a shocker to some of you, but please know, I have always thought of you guys as second family to me. We share a common bond of love for the Skins, and I know we have had some ups and downs over the years, but I really need your help right now. The love I have for this woman is beyond my own comprehension and I KNOW I am doing the right thing. My mother even told me (who HATES divorce by the way) that Julia (my ex-fiance) always brought out the best in me, and she can tell I am MUCH happier now, and thinks that I am doing the right thing going after happiness at such a young age instead of wasting my life. (I am not incredibly young at 34, but that is still young enough to start a family) My mother knew we were soulmates back then, and it's true, we are. I have always wanted a family, and a lot of you know my daughter died Jan. 30th of 2004...and my (now) ex-wife couldn't have kids. That always bothered me...now I have a chance at a family, and I am reaching for that brass ring.
Like I said, I know I am wrong in God's eye, but I really NEED this woman, and she really NEEDS me too. I have never been loved like this in my life, and it makes me a much better person.
Sorry for going on so long, so any advice would be great...thanks for listening guys, and thanks for being like a second family all these years for me. I know I have had my run ins with some of you, but I know it's cause we are passionate people. I've always loved this site and the people on it...as evident by my many posts. I hope you guys can help, but if you can't, thanks for listening anyway.

I'm not sure about CA but I think here in MD there is a thing called "abandonment". If her husband is dependent on her income(Even if he is depending on a combined income) this could be a problem. Finacially she is as liable as he is for their debt, i think.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by gibbsisgod

I'm not sure about CA but I think here in MD there is a thing called "abandonment". If her husband is dependent on her income(Even if he is depending on a combined income) this could be a problem. Finacially she is as liable as he is for their debt, i think.

What is this abandonment thing that I've seen more than once on this thread? I haven't even heard that before...can you fill me in on how this transates to me / julia and this situation?
Let me paint a picture, Julia is a nanny, and makes about 1/4th of what her husband makes.
Let me be more clear about the letter...she is going to write in it that she is wanting a "trial separation" and that she is going to her parents or something but for him not to contact her for a week. He NEVER takes care of the kids, she does 100% of the child care. He wouldn't be able to take care of the kids anyway. That being said, she will NOT take the kids permanantly from him, just for a week. So how does this work in terms of "abandonment"? I do not want to risk her losing the kids.

In terms of the cruise, my mother and sister are on it, so I am on it regardless...it's been planned for over a year and already paid for.

[Schneed10]

Originally Posted by jsarno

What is this abandonment thing that I've seen more than once on this thread? I haven't even heard that before...can you fill me in on how this transates to me / julia and this situation?
Let me paint a picture, Julia is a nanny, and makes about 1/4th of what her husband makes.
Let me be more clear about the letter...she is going to write in it that she is wanting a "trial separation" and that she is going to her parents or something but for him not to contact her for a week. He NEVER takes care of the kids, she does 100% of the child care. He wouldn't be able to take care of the kids anyway. That being said, she will NOT take the kids permanantly from him, just for a week. So how does this work in terms of "abandonment"? I do not want to risk her losing the kids.

In terms of the cruise, my mother and sister are on it, so I am on it regardless...it's been planned for over a year and already paid for.

Forget the legal implications.

If she makes a quarter of what he makes, and she's leaving him, it sounds like she and her kids will be heavily dependent upon you for income. And you said you don't have a job. My first question is how do you and Julia expect to support the kids when you guys are living together?

I'd STRONGLY suggest you skip the cruise and pound the pavement, regardless of whether it's paid for.

From the sounds of it, you can't afford to support these children. And if he's making a decent income, it's only a matter of time before she begins to compare your income to his, and begins to regret making the move just for the sake of her children alone.

She shouldn't go on the cruise either. She needs to stay home and get to work on securing a steady child support payment. Without it, it sounds like the two of you will not be able to care for them properly.

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by Schneed10

Forget the legal implications.

If she makes a quarter of what he makes, and she's leaving him, it sounds like she and her kids will be heavily dependent upon you for income. And you said you don't have a job. My first question is how do you and Julia expect to support the kids when you guys are living together?

I'd STRONGLY suggest you skip the cruise and pound the pavement, regardless of whether it's paid for.

From the sounds of it, you can't afford to support these children. And if he's making a decent income, it's only a matter of time before she begins to compare your income to his, and begins to regret making the move just for the sake of her children alone.

She shouldn't go on the cruise either. She needs to stay home and get to work on securing a steady child support payment. Without it, it sounds like the two of you will not be able to care for them properly.

OK, I have enough stashed, and available if need be to take care of her and the kids for close to a year. Trust me, I understand my financial situation. I WILL find a job shortly, and I have time to get a job...it's just out of my comfort zone to not have a job.
We are both already set for 6 months without any addition income requirements. I also will not be without a paycheck until AFTER the cruise...so I'll be fine. I appreciate your concern, and if I were in your shoes, I would have said the same thing.

Thanks.

[Schneed10]

Originally Posted by jsarno

OK, I have enough stashed, and available if need be to take care of her and the kids for close to a year. Trust me, I understand my financial situation. I WILL find a job shortly, and I have time to get a job...it's just out of my comfort zone to not have a job.
We are both already set for 6 months without any addition income requirements. I also will not be without a paycheck until AFTER the cruise...so I'll be fine. I appreciate your concern, and if I were in your shoes, I would have said the same thing.

Thanks.

OK I was just going off your earlier post where you said you couldn't afford to live off $8-10 per hour. And you also said 'at least I have a decent amount in my checking account to live off, but this place is freakin expensive.' If you do indeed have significant savings that certainly does help.

But being the financey type, I feel obliged to warn that your own savings could be at risk as part of a pending divorce settlement between you and your current wife. You mentioned the divorce was final as of Monday, do you know how much in savings you're obligated to pass over to her? And how much in the way of alimony, if any?

Also, important to note that moving expenses to get you from New Mexico to San Diego will amount to about $3-4K, assuming you have enough stuff requiring a moving company.

And I'd also caution that you shouldn't underestimate the difficulty of finding a job in this job market, especially one that will pay you an MBA's salary, which I know is a degree you have. And if you're going to settle in California with Julia, even significant savings can get sucked up quickly in such a high cost of living area. Besides, if you have that much in savings, no doubt your best financial move would be to put it towards a down payment on a home in San Diego for you and your new family. You'll want to do everything you can to preserve that savings to use for that purpose, otherwise you're stuck renting.

Good luck to ya.

[CRedskinsRule]

Originally Posted by jsarno

What is this abandonment thing that I've seen more than once on this thread? I haven't even heard that before...can you fill me in on how this transates to me / julia and this situation?
Let me paint a picture, Julia is a nanny, and makes about 1/4th of what her husband makes.
Let me be more clear about the letter...she is going to write in it that she is wanting a "trial separation" and that she is going to her parents or something but for him not to contact her for a week. He NEVER takes care of the kids, she does 100% of the child care. He wouldn't be able to take care of the kids anyway. That being said, she will NOT take the kids permanantly from him, just for a week. So how does this work in terms of "abandonment"? I do not want to risk her losing the kids.

In terms of the cruise, my mother and sister are on it, so I am on it regardless...it's been planned for over a year and already paid for.

About the kids, yes to both. She wants to have a kid with me, and of course, I want a kid of my own. I am also planning to take her kids as my own. They just had birthdays within the past 3 weeks. One is 4, the other is 2. Both kids ADORE me. Their father spends NO time with them, and I take them to parks, and to the beach etc...they cry when I leave, and they hug me and tell me they love me. Having them get on board, is not a problem at all.

I really don't want to let my past bad choices influence my advice, so please take this with a grain of salt, but I hear alot of me in your words (and JoeRedskin will 2nd that that's not very positive when it comes to relationships )

The bolded parts are where you are making absolutes, you will quickly find that those will be points of dispute and arguments, both with the kids' father, and believe it or not, your lady. and again, just because a 2 and 4 year old are on board, does not mean that when they are 8 and 10, that they will be (again I am dredging my past, but an 8yo will say yes you should get engaged and 3 years later tell you that you are not her father -even though she hadn't talked to him or seen him in 1 1/2 years).

The italics are where, I think you are attributing your feelings to her kids. A lot of 2yo and 4yo's adore/loves people they spend time with. I have a guy comes up every week, brings his daughter, she asks where did i go when i walk out of her sight, draws me pics etc etc. Don't take that the same way as more significant, and certainly not as them choosing you over - or equal with - their father.

Again, so emotional a topic, i really haven't been able to focus on work, because my mind races on.
I hope it works out for you, I pray that it does, but I fear that, when someone-anyone- says "i know i am wrong" but keeps moving forward in that path, well again let me just say my life bears witness to the fact that stopping earlier would have saved everyone a lot of grief.

[SmootSmack]

At least now you finally get to move out of Albuquerque

Seriously though, I do have a question. Are you hoping to have kids with Julia or just take her kids as your own? And if it's the former have you told her this and is this what she wants to?

And why didn't the two of you get married the first time around?

[jsarno]

Originally Posted by SmootSmack

At least now you finally get to move out of Albuquerque

Seriously though, I do have a question. Are you hoping to have kids with Julia or just take her kids as your own? And if it's the former have you told her this and is this what she wants to?

And why didn't the two of you get married the first time around?

I actually WISH I lived in Albuquerque...I live in Carlsbad, NM...which is like the arm pit of New Mexico. Funny, I may be moving from Carlsbad, NM to Carlsbad, CA. haha

About the kids, yes to both. She wants to have a kid with me, and of course, I want a kid of my own. I am also planning to take her kids as my own. They just had birthdays within the past 3 weeks. One is 4, the other is 2. Both kids ADORE me. Their father spends NO time with them, and I take them to parks, and to the beach etc...they cry when I leave, and they hug me and tell me they love me. Having them get on board, is not a problem at all.

OK, we didn't get married the first time around cause she moved to North Carolina with her parents (and I lived in Boston), and I cheated on her. The ONE time in my life I cheated and it haunted me for 14 freakin years. I was dumb, or honest, depending on your perspective, and I told her I did it. Of course she took it hard, and then her parents got in way and friends got in the way...really a long story. Both of us never stopped loving each other.

[CRedskinsRule]

jsarno,
I don't have much advice to offer, I have been through divorce, and been with a woman who had her own kids. What I want to tell you, is that the kids may never understand. The best you can do is be a good man and treat them with a respect that, at times, you may find hard to find.
I am not a lawyer, but I believe leaving a note like you wrote would look very bad(abandonment/not making an effort-in the courts view), and unless any abuse has been recorded it likely won't have very much bearing.
It sounds like a very tough path, and you have my heartfelt wishes that you will find your way through it. (writing rarely can convey true emotion, and this is definitely one of those times.)
Godspeed.

[Hog1]

Originally Posted by CRedskinsRule

jsarno,
I don't have much advice to offer, I have been through divorce, and been with a woman who had her own kids. What I want to tell you, is that the kids may never understand. The best you can do is be a good man and treat them with a respect that, at times, you may find hard to find.
I am not a lawyer, but I believe leaving a note like you wrote would look very bad(abandonment/not making an effort-in the courts view), and unless any abuse has been recorded it likely won't have very much bearing.
It sounds like a very tough path, and you have my heartfelt wishes that you will find your way through it. (writing rarely can convey true emotion, and this is definitely one of those times.)
Godspeed.

Get a good Atty

This is good advice Jsarno! AND know the road you travel. Love is blind, but here is some of the reality
The court cares NOT for the adults involved, only the kids. As already said it is TOUGH to raise somebody elses kids in many ways. You are not their father (and never will be) and you will be told this when you least want to hear it.
Husband will be a very unhappy guy, as you have run off with his family. Everything you do until the divorce is final will be scrutinized and cast by the opposition in it's worst possible light.
Seperation time in (at least in Texas) is basically like being married (morally) in the eyes of the court. Sooo, in the courts view, the kids mom is going to be looked at very unfavorably for "stealing" her kids ubeknownst to the bio dad and running off for a love trist. The truth no longer matters. Only what the court believes. And everything you do, will do or have done will come out in court....in the worst possible light
You may be very surprised how, when faced with custody decisions, and child support how much backbone (or at least his atty) bio dad has.
It is a tough road you travel, but it can be done.
You are caught up in the emotion of the moment and isn't it GREAT!
BUT, be smart......if not all of this may unravel on you
Good luck to you J!

[MTK]

Originally Posted by CRedskinsRule

jsarno,
I don't have much advice to offer, I have been through divorce, and been with a woman who had her own kids. What I want to tell you, is that the kids may never understand. The best you can do is be a good man and treat them with a respect that, at times, you may find hard to find.
I am not a lawyer, but I believe leaving a note like you wrote would look very bad(abandonment/not making an effort-in the courts view), and unless any abuse has been recorded it likely won't have very much bearing.
It sounds like a very tough path, and you have my heartfelt wishes that you will find your way through it. (writing rarely can convey true emotion, and this is definitely one of those times.)
Godspeed.

Point #1, as someone who went through a similar situation as a kid, I can say it's definitely very tough to deal with. I'm not sure that there's any good advice to give, just treat the kids with respect and be as understanding as possible, and give them space when they need it. And like someone already mentioned NEVER talk trash about their father.

Regarding the note, it definitely does not sound like a good thing to do. Do the right thing and go about things the proper way.

As for a job, get on the horn with some recruiters or professional temp agencies. Pound the pavement and don't rely on online job banks.

[mredskins]

Man this a whole lot of crap. Good luck to you but I am so glad I am not in your shoes.

[Schneed10]

Wow dude you've got a lot going on right now. Sounds like you've made the decision to be with this Julia. For me it breaks down like this:

1) Priority 1 for you has to be finding a job if you're going to make this move. I don't know how you can go on vacation given that you're planning on living in Cali in this economy. I'd cancel the vacation and work my ass off to gain meaningful employment. Priorities. Vacation later once you're settled. If you're going to be moving in with Julia and her kids, you're going to have some degree of responsibility for supporting her and her kids. The kids are going to be dealing with a lot as it is, being taken away from their father, make sure you don't make matters worse by failing to help out financially.

2) I don't think she should run away for a week, either. Not sure about legal implications, but the right thing for her to do is go to a lawyer, tell him she has decided she wants a divorce with her husband, and get the lawyer's advice as to how to proceed. If she goes through those channels, given that the guy has been abusive before, she should have no problems and all her bases will be covered.

3) Keep in mind, this husband of hers is always going to be in her life to some extent. He's the father of her kids and will be granted visitation of some sort, I'm assuming. You're going to see him on a semi regular basis. Get yourself prepared to deal with the BS while grinning and bearing it.

As for jobs, I can offer no advice on the California area. All I can say is leverage your contacts and networks. That's the only thing that can really help in this economy. But definitely first things first, get a good job. Otherwise you're going to end up in a real shitty mess. Don't give Julia one reason to regret leaving her husband.