advice needed...

CRedskinsRule · 02-11-2009, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schneed10

Wow dude you've got a lot going on right now. Sounds like you've made the decision to be with this Julia. For me it breaks down like this:

1) Priority 1 for you has to be finding a job if you're going to make this move. I don't know how you can go on vacation given that you're planning on living in Cali in this economy. I'd cancel the vacation and work my *** off to gain meaningful employment. Priorities. Vacation later once you're settled. If you're going to be moving in with Julia and her kids, you're going to have some degree of responsibility for supporting her and her kids. The kids are going to be dealing with a lot as it is, being taken away from their father, make sure you don't make matters worse by failing to help out financially.

2) I don't think she should run away for a week, either. Not sure about legal implications, but the right thing for her to do is go to a lawyer, tell him she has decided she wants a divorce with her husband, and get the lawyer's advice as to how to proceed. If she goes through those channels, given that the guy has been abusive before, she should have no problems and all her bases will be covered.

3) Keep in mind, this husband of hers is always going to be in her life to some extent. He's the father of her kids and will be granted visitation of some sort, I'm assuming. You're going to see him on a semi regular basis. Get yourself prepared to deal with the BS while grinning and bearing it.

As for jobs, I can offer no advice on the California area. All I can say is leverage your contacts and networks. That's the only thing that can really help in this economy. But definitely first things first, get a good job. Otherwise you're going to end up in a real shitty mess. Don't give Julia one reason to regret leaving her husband.

This post is dead on, and the part about the ex is absolutely 100% accurate.

SmootSmack · 02-11-2009, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schneed10

Wow dude you've got a lot going on right now. Sounds like you've made the decision to be with this Julia. For me it breaks down like this:

1) Priority 1 for you has to be finding a job if you're going to make this move. I don't know how you can go on vacation given that you're planning on living in Cali in this economy. I'd cancel the vacation and work my ass off to gain meaningful employment. Priorities. Vacation later once you're settled. If you're going to be moving in with Julia and her kids, you're going to have some degree of responsibility for supporting her and her kids. The kids are going to be dealing with a lot as it is, being taken away from their father, make sure you don't make matters worse by failing to help out financially.

If you take one piece of advice from this thread, make it this one

how old are the kids?

mredskins · 02-11-2009, 09:41 AM

I agree with S10 get a job man and please don't tell me you are going on the cruise for the sake of the ex-husband, please you are going as a like a honeymoon of sorts.

Plus didn't Juila Gulia marry the Wedding Singer????

jamf · 02-11-2009, 10:43 AM

Appleone is a temp agency my company has used in the past, I'm not sure if it's what you are looking for: AppleOne employment agency | find better job | advance career | search resumes

Unfortunately my company is going through a sale at the moment so I can't help there, I might have to join you at appleone...

Take a look at Signon San Diego, It's the website for our largest newspaper( Union Tribune). It should help finding a place and possibly a job.

send me an email with the type of job you are qualified for( PM with my email address sent). Hopefully I can forward you to a friend in that field.

Good Luck.

JoeRedskin · 02-11-2009, 11:01 AM

I cannot emphasize this enough - do not "run off" with the kids. He may be lazy but one call to the police and you could very easily spend your cruise under protective custody.

I am with Schneed on this one. You may suffer a large cancellation penalty if you cancel the cruise. From a purely practical aspect, however, that cost will pale in comparison to the legal costs you could face if, in addition to divorce proceedings, you must fight kidnapping charges. He is still their legal father.

She needs to see an attorney and file for a protective order promptly. In this manner, she can leave and take the kids without worry.

redskinjim · 02-11-2009, 12:51 PM

do what it takes to make your life happy life is short and it is what you make it good luck!

FRPLG · 02-11-2009, 01:00 PM

Lots of good advice here that I wont repeat. One thing to remember. Violence begets violence. Yes, maybe he hasn't been violent with the kids before but his tendency for violence towards his wife is an alarming indication. At any point he could be violent with the kids. At one point he loved (and may still) his wife very very much and now he has no problem roughing her up. The kids are next on the abuse train if something doesn't change.

She needs to have him served with a restraining order with the divorce proceedings.

Trample the Elderly · 02-11-2009, 01:24 PM

Well life is short and you're going to have to make your own moves. This seems like a huge can of dung you're opening. If all of this drama makes you happy then fine. You've helped me. Everytime I hear stories like this I'm thankful that I'm a whore and wouldn't get married for anything.

What I'd do in your situation (didn't read it all) is to drop all of it, move to a nice place, and start over. Get a fresh start. I mean you're already getting a divorce, why jump back into the fire? You should just chill out for awhile and be content with being you. Give a year and then start looking for someone with no strings attached.

12thMan · 02-11-2009, 01:46 PM

Hey man, I really wish you the best. It's going to be tough on you, and quite frankly, you may second guess your decision later on down the road. Even though you may not feel that way at the moment.

The kids are a huge deal, man. Just do right by them and let them know you aren't a perfect man, but you're going to do your best to be a good man to them. I mean, you should tell them this, not her, per se.

I guess if could throw in some more Monday morning quarterbacking, get alone to yourself every so often. You're going to need some mental space (not at the bar!) to adjust and transition. You're only as good to this family as you are to yourself.

HTTR!

FRPLG · 02-11-2009, 01:58 PM

I thought about it over lunch. To me it comes down to this. If you have to ask yourself if something is right or would seem bad in a custody case then that's your answer. If you question it even a little it means you shouldn't do it. This isn't some TV show in fantasy land. You're dealing with real people and real feelings. Be straight up honest about it and approach it with an attitude that you are ALWAYS going to do the exact right thing by everyone involved not matter how hard or inconvenient it is.

mredskins · 02-11-2009, 02:01 PM

The more I think about this Julia Gulia seems like she is looking for a life line to help her get out of her bad situation. I think Trample has the right idea about getting out of dodge and fast. You need to get you right first before adding someone else espically if that someone else is bringing children along.

Ah, the almighty vagina, it makes us men do crazy things.

gibbsisgod · 02-11-2009, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mredskins

The more I think about this Julia Gulia seems like she is looking for a life line to help her get out of her bad situation. I think Trample has the right idea about getting out of dodge and fast. You need to get you right first before adding someone else espically if that someone else is bringing children along.

Ah, the almighty vagina, it makes us men do crazy things.

I bet somebody has that as a sig before the week is out.

The Goat · 02-11-2009, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gibbsisgod

I bet somebody has that as a sig before the week is out.

i was thinking about it right up until i saw this... now it just seems cliched.

jsarno · 02-11-2009, 03:54 PM

I really wanted to respond to every one of you, and I thank ALL OF YOU for the advice and well wishes, but it would take waaaay too long to respond. Just know I appreciate your comments, and anything else you have for me in terms of advice.
Please know, I know I am not their father, I understand where I stand. I will take care of them as if they are my own, but he will always be in their life.

mredskins · 02-11-2009, 04:02 PM

What is it called when two trains are traveling on the same track towards each other....

Oh yeah a TRAIN WRECK!

02-11-2009, 09:41 AM	#3
mredskins Gamebreaker Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 13,081	Re: advice needed... I agree with S10 get a job man and please don't tell me you are going on the cruise for the sake of the ex-husband, please you are going as a like a honeymoon of sorts. Plus didn't Juila Gulia marry the Wedding Singer???? __________________ When life gives you paper jams, turn them into paper footballs!

02-11-2009, 10:43 AM	#4
jamf Pro Bowl Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: San Diego Ca Posts: 5,393	Re: advice needed... Appleone is a temp agency my company has used in the past, I'm not sure if it's what you are looking for: AppleOne employment agency \| find better job \| advance career \| search resumes Unfortunately my company is going through a sale at the moment so I can't help there, I might have to join you at appleone... Take a look at Signon San Diego, It's the website for our largest newspaper( Union Tribune). It should help finding a place and possibly a job. send me an email with the type of job you are qualified for( PM with my email address sent). Hopefully I can forward you to a friend in that field. Good Luck.

02-11-2009, 11:01 AM	#5
JoeRedskin Contains football related knowledge Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Second Star On The Right Age: 62 Posts: 10,401	Re: advice needed... I cannot emphasize this enough - do not "run off" with the kids. He may be lazy but one call to the police and you could very easily spend your cruise under protective custody. I am with Schneed on this one. You may suffer a large cancellation penalty if you cancel the cruise. From a purely practical aspect, however, that cost will pale in comparison to the legal costs you could face if, in addition to divorce proceedings, you must fight kidnapping charges. He is still their legal father. She needs to see an attorney and file for a protective order promptly. In this manner, she can leave and take the kids without worry. __________________ Strap it up, hold onto the ball, and let’s go.

02-11-2009, 12:51 PM	#6
redskinjim Special Teams Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: fresno ca Posts: 377	Re: advice needed... do what it takes to make your life happy life is short and it is what you make it good luck!

02-11-2009, 01:00 PM	#7
FRPLG MVP Join Date: May 2004 Age: 47 Posts: 10,164	Re: advice needed... Lots of good advice here that I wont repeat. One thing to remember. Violence begets violence. Yes, maybe he hasn't been violent with the kids before but his tendency for violence towards his wife is an alarming indication. At any point he could be violent with the kids. At one point he loved (and may still) his wife very very much and now he has no problem roughing her up. The kids are next on the abuse train if something doesn't change. She needs to have him served with a restraining order with the divorce proceedings.

02-11-2009, 01:24 PM	#8
Trample the Elderly Playmaker Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Three Chopt Virginia Age: 48 Posts: 2,906	Re: advice needed... Well life is short and you're going to have to make your own moves. This seems like a huge can of dung you're opening. If all of this drama makes you happy then fine. You've helped me. Everytime I hear stories like this I'm thankful that I'm a whore and wouldn't get married for anything. What I'd do in your situation (didn't read it all) is to drop all of it, move to a nice place, and start over. Get a fresh start. I mean you're already getting a divorce, why jump back into the fire? You should just chill out for awhile and be content with being you. Give a year and then start looking for someone with no strings attached. Last edited by Trample the Elderly; 02-11-2009 at 04:05 PM.

02-11-2009, 01:46 PM	#9
12thMan MVP Join Date: May 2005 Location: washington, D.C. Posts: 11,460	Re: advice needed... Hey man, I really wish you the best. It's going to be tough on you, and quite frankly, you may second guess your decision later on down the road. Even though you may not feel that way at the moment. The kids are a huge deal, man. Just do right by them and let them know you aren't a perfect man, but you're going to do your best to be a good man to them. I mean, you should tell them this, not her, per se. I guess if could throw in some more Monday morning quarterbacking, get alone to yourself every so often. You're going to need some mental space (not at the bar!) to adjust and transition. You're only as good to this family as you are to yourself. HTTR!

02-11-2009, 01:58 PM	#10
FRPLG MVP Join Date: May 2004 Age: 47 Posts: 10,164	Re: advice needed... I thought about it over lunch. To me it comes down to this. If you have to ask yourself if something is right or would seem bad in a custody case then that's your answer. If you question it even a little it means you shouldn't do it. This isn't some TV show in fantasy land. You're dealing with real people and real feelings. Be straight up honest about it and approach it with an attitude that you are ALWAYS going to do the exact right thing by everyone involved not matter how hard or inconvenient it is.

02-11-2009, 02:01 PM	#11
mredskins Gamebreaker Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 13,081	Re: advice needed... The more I think about this Julia Gulia seems like she is looking for a life line to help her get out of her bad situation. I think Trample has the right idea about getting out of dodge and fast. You need to get you right first before adding someone else espically if that someone else is bringing children along. Ah, the almighty vagina, it makes us men do crazy things. __________________ When life gives you paper jams, turn them into paper footballs!

02-11-2009, 03:54 PM	#14
jsarno Franchise Player Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: 31 Spooner St. Age: 50 Posts: 9,534	Re: advice needed... I really wanted to respond to every one of you, and I thank ALL OF YOU for the advice and well wishes, but it would take waaaay too long to respond. Just know I appreciate your comments, and anything else you have for me in terms of advice. Please know, I know I am not their father, I understand where I stand. I will take care of them as if they are my own, but he will always be in their life. __________________ Zoltan is ZESTY! - courtesy of joeredskin

02-11-2009, 04:02 PM	#15
mredskins Gamebreaker Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 13,081	Re: advice needed... What is it called when two trains are traveling on the same track towards each other.... Oh yeah a TRAIN WRECK! __________________ When life gives you paper jams, turn them into paper footballs!

advice needed...

Parking Lot