Warpath Confessions

I have never hated anyone enough to do any of the above. Fortunately, no one has hated me (that much) either. Who in the world conjured up the "double decker"?

One more...

I was really drunk at a party in my late teens held down the street from my house. A friend of mine thought it would be funny to poke holes in all of my cigarettes, rendering the entire pack impossible to smoke. I was drunk and I'm sure it was hilarious watching me struggle to smoke cigarette after cigarette.

I later found out what happened and decided do have my revenge. I walked home and rifled through my moms beauty products and found some sunless tan cream. I used a dish glove I found in the kitchen to apply the words to his forehead as he lay in a drunken stupor on the couch. "Homo". It was perfect. I reapplied throughout the night and by morning it was a nice deep orangish brown.

Our laughter (I had a few cohorts by this time) woke him and it wasn't long before he figured out what happened. Figuring he knew it was me I prepared for the worst, because he was f'in furious. Especially as he tried in vain to wash it off!

To my amazement he kept asking who did it, so we blamed this college kid we didn't know who was sleeping in the recliner. He walks in the room yelling and soon a fight ensues. My friend easily got the bad end of it and we had to pull the stranger off of him.

To top it all off, after he figured out it was tanning cream he tried to blend it, with some pretty bad results. He wound up going to school (we were seniors) looking like an oompa-loompa who lost a bar fight, and still had the word "homo" in shit brown scrawled across his forehead. This guy was a pretty close friend and I never told him it was me, especially since he got his ass beat over it.

Holy shit. Between that and your first confession...

To quote George Costanza, I'm speechless. I have no speech...

The last job I had got the ol' upper decker when I left. It wasn't pretty. I don't want to go into great detail but it was after a healthy helping of shredded wheat.

Ahhhh, memories!

I never realized upper deckers were so popular.

I never messed with the poo for a practical joke, but my buddy did when we were 15.

He and I were at another guy's house, and my buddy goes upstairs into the bathroom to drop a deuce. When he comes down, he describes how he took the toothbrush by the sink and rubbed it into his deuce, then put the toothbrush right back where he left it.

I was appalled, yet couldn't stop laughing.

Somewhere SBF is reading all this "scat" talk and hopping mad

I'm too lazy to join a gym, and because of that, I can do this...

http://ui20.gamespot.com/467/truffleshuffle_4.gif

OK! OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids before they served lunch I stole some nuts and I pigged out and so they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

OK! OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids before they served lunch I stole some nuts and I pigged out and so they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

I confess that I stole and buried some of the gold from One-Eyed Willie's ship...but I won't confess where

I confess that I stole and buried some of the gold from One-Eyed Willie's ship...but I won't confess where

You better watch it SS. Mama Fratelli going to get ya!

OK! OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids before they served lunch I stole some nuts and I pigged out and so they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Well done! Haven't seen that movie in ages.

Ok, here goes. My freshman year of college (which I don't remember much of) I was really into this girl. I lost my virginity to her, and we had some pretty wild encounters. Anyway, the dorm I lived in had a large lobby area with little study rooms off to the side. Each study room had it's own bathroom. It was an older dormitory, and the sinks in the bathroom were those old white cast iron things with metal pipes. Well, we were a little tipsy having been at the bar all night, and couldn't wait to get busy, but my roommates were sleeping. So into the bathroom we go. I close the door, dropped my pants, she got completely naked, and I propped her up on the sink. I looked at the sink and thought, no problem, this will hold her for sure. And it's not like she was a fat chick. Well two minutes later, that god damn sink came crashing from it's mounts on the white tile wall, the thick metal pipe snapped like a twig, and water started gushing out at the rate of a fire hose. Her clothes were on the floor and immediately drenched, and had my pants around my ankles, also soaked. We just looked at each other wide eyed for what felt like 5 minutes but was probably only a second. I quickly looked at the sink on the floor, and immediately saw there was no hope for a MacGyver-type save.

So she covered herself quickly with her wet clothes, and I stumbled out of the bathroom and fell face first in the study room since my pants were still around my ankles. That water was gushing so damn fast and hard, in no time at all water was pouring out into the lobby. Thank god it was about 3am and no one was there. There were large bushes out front, like 10 feet tall, so we darted out the front door of the building, quickly got our clothes on behind the bushes, and made a bee line for her dorm across campus to lay low, giggling like idiots the whole way.

Turns out water starting leaking through the ceiling onto some sleeping students (yes there were a few dorm rooms in the basement) and they called campus police. All the carpeting on the first floor was ruined, a few computers got fried, tons of water damage, and A LOT of pissed off people. And I assume a massive plumbing bill. Police had a vandalism investigation, and they interviewed all 100+ students who lived in the building. Of course I didn't tell my roommates, and when I told police I wasn't there, they all corroborated the fact that I never came home that night, and was in her dorm the whole time. I was scared shitless, and it was a big deal around campus when it happened. We didn't tell a soul, and were never caught. So there ya go Warpath.