Jokes - Sort of

I was at this bar with my girl and the guy next to me wanted to know why she kept grabbing at the air-I informed him she was collecting her thoughts

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

LOL LOL That's going on my "party joke" list!

a blond gets pulled for speeding. the officer that pulled her is also a blond. the officer says to the driver " let me see your driver's license " , "what does it look like" , asks the driver. the officer says " you know, that square thing with your picture on it" , the driver pulls out a compact mirror,sees her reflection and says "i found it" , she then hands it to the officer. the officer looks at it and says "oh my , i'm sorry , i didn't realize you were a cop too, your free to go"

miss crabtree asks darla " darla can you spell stupid and can you use it in a sentence"? s-t-u-p-i-d, buckwheat is really stupid. darla says , as she is laughing. miss crabtree then asks buckwheat if he can spell dictate and use it in a sentence. "no, i can't spell dictate but i can use it in a sentece, darla knows what my dictate like"

what do you call a blond doing a handstand ?
a brunett with bad breath.

did you here about the blond that tried to blow up he boyfriend's car ?
she burnt her lips on the tail pipe.

how can you tell if a blond has been using the computer?
there's white-out all over the screen.

the boyfriend asks his blond girlfriend to tell him if his left turn signal is working.
she looks at it and says "it's working, it's not working, it's working , it's not working.......

I went to Best Buy the other day checking out car stereos and they had all kinds of new advancements. They had regular single din CD players with built in lcd screens you could watch tv on. The salesman was showing me one i had an interest in that featured a handsfree tuner. He showed me how to work it by pressing the button that muted the sound and saying, "rock", and it scanned through the rock stations.
Then he said "jazz" and it scanned through the jazz stations. While in the middle of his demonstration some kids were playing around with the speakers nearby and damn near deafended the both of us. He shooed them away after turning their music of and walked back to me, looked around and said, "Fuckin kids".and the stereo turned right to micheal jackson.

:lol: Niccccccce!

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.”

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, “I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”

Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.” Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

Finally, the guy said to Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”

So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?”

“About three knots,” says the hooker.

“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”