Jokes - Sort of

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
So he goes into the backyard ands sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "So you can talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what how much he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the guy says.

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a fucking liar. He was never in the CIA."

Hahahahaha....nice! We definitely need more joke posts on here.

Yeah, it's been a touch couple of weeks. I'm trying to lighten the mood.

I always hate it when people start telling jokes and I KNOW that I have like 10 of them that are pretty good but I can't even remember 1!!

Here's one for when you're surrounded by drunk friends:

Baby Polar Bear walks up to Mommy Polar Bear and says "Mommy, am I a Polar Bear?"

"Yes, dear, you're a Polar Bear. I am a Polar Bear, your Daddy is a Polar Bear. You're a Polar Bear."

"Oh, OK" says the baby Polar Bear.

A few minutes later the baby Polar Bear walks up to Grandma Polar Bear and asks "Granny, am I a Polar Bear?"

To which Granny replies "Yes, dear, you're a Polar Bear. I am a Polar Bear, your Grand Daddy is a Polar Bear, your Mommy is a Polar Bear and your Daddy is a Polar Bear. You're a Polar Bear."
"Oh, ok"

<Basically when you're hammered you try to go through the entire extended family of a Polar Bear, it makes it funnier, ok?>

The baby Polar Bear walks up to his sister and says "Sis, am I a Polar Bear?"

His sister says "Yes dear, you're a Polar Bear. I am a Polar Bear, your Mommy is a Polar Bear, your Daddy is a Polar Bear. You're a Polar Bear."

And the baby Polar Bear says "Then why am I so fucking cold?".

And:

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation.

They send an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted
island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and
see how they have adapted.

The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks
amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter".

He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks so
why don't you handle the cooking?"

The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese and says
"That leaves you to organize the supplies".

The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped.

They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on
the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and
porches and balconies. The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they
express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah
well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went all out and did the
my best".

The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're
greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food.

The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work
with" he says, "This island has loads of wildlife, edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them
inquires about the Japanese man.

"Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran
off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".

They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party
is organized. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the
Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a
coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his backside,
and shouts...
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Last one....possibly:

This fella was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for it and decided
he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation, then
decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my damn shoes on."

Hahahahahahah... I like that one!

HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.

WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?
After 5 years your job still sucks.

WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
So feminists couldn't breed.

WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have balls.

WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?
A bitch who won't do as she's told.

WHY IS A BLOW JOB LIKE LOBSTER?
They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.

WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR?
It's Braille for "Suck Here"

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?
Lipstick.

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.

WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

WHAT IS A WIFE?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them.

WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG,TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
A hundred dollar bill

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PERIODS?
Because they deserve them.

WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."