The 12 Biggest Idiots Found in Online Forums

[tryfuhl]

Someone posted this on a board of mine and I found it rather humorous, so I figured that I'd share with The Warpath as well. Anybody volunteering to share if they're one of those guys?haha

1. The FIRST! Guy

Maybe we should have saved this character for last, but our first offender is the FIRST! Guy - the mental marsupial whose contribution to the great discussions of our online times is to post the first response to any given topic, consisting of the comment 'FIRST!'.

Clever? No. Original? No. Ironically self-mocking in a postmodern deconstructionist kind of way? Uh, no. Puerile? Now you're getting close.
And yet there seem to be multiple FIRST! Guy clones lurking around every forum, ready to share a very important message. Here's hoping that all of these net nuisances find another source of personal pride by their 15th birthday.


2. The self-promoter

The self-promoter is a message board classic: this bore meanders across the web, leaving thinly disguised comments designed to pimp his own project.
Sometimes, he'll take a stab at making the promotion look incidental: 'Man, that new iPhone software does look fab! You should check out my blog about Windows Mobile here!' But just as often, he'll ditch the preamble and launch straight into the link without even trying to tie it to the subject at hand.

Shameless self-promotion really is the worst - especially when it takes a very tiedious link to get reference the promo. The only thing that irks me more is behavioural ad targeting.


3. The Sermonator

A close relative to the Self-promoter, the Sermonator trolls various comment forums to find some way to divert the conversation to his favourite subject - most often something related to morals, religion, or a particular political view.

No discussion is too interesting and no community too engaged for the Sermonator to subvert into a tedious homily on his topic of choice. Let's head out to the showroom for some real-world examples.

• The author of a blog posting about an asteroid that came close to Earth stated that the incident was "like God threw a snowball at us and missed, but just barely". From this, a handful of commenters began a discussion that degenerated into a three-page debate over whether historical evidence could prove that Jesus was God.

• A recent story of mine raised some privacy concerns about Google Latitude, the company's new mobile location tracking service. After concluding that my apprehensions stemmed from a general problem of dishonesty, one forum user took to the pulpit and lectured at great length about why the entire forum community should stop uttering even the littlest white lies. I would tell you that everyone found his contributions thought-provoking and useful, but that would be a not-so-little white lie.

4. Mr Credentials

'As someone who has managed Windows-based systems for 15 years', Mr Credentials weighs in with a predictable approach. First he encourages everyone to focus on his superior CV, rather than on the objective reasonableness of his views.
Then he'll launch into a 500-word essay designed to show just how well-versed he is on the subject at hand (or whatever subject he wants to talk about), overwhelming all resistance with the sheer force and volume of his hot air.

And in case his own credentials might be called into question at some point when he has paused to breathe, Mr Credentials likes to cite his authorities by the bushel - quoting them at length, and often adding further excerpts detailing his authorities' authorities.
In fact, his messages are frequently more heavily weighted toward text from famous figures, user manuals, or Wikipedia entries than toward his own original thoughts or opinions.


5. The Antagoniser

Comment forums are made for divergent viewpoints and intelligent, spirited debate. The Antagoniser, though, takes things to another, more primitive level, resorting to personal attacks and insults in what may be a nostalgic flashback to carefree bygone days as a school playground bully.

"Do I even have to explain how stupid of a name Stefan is for a man?" one such person wrote on a popular tech blog's story about Apple's touchscreens. He went on to close his remarks with this jab: "I bet you shave your armpits."
That's about as clever as the repartee gets in Antagoniser Land; more often the insights run along the lines of 'You bleep!', 'Bleep you!', 'Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep!'. Proof positive that, online, it isn't difficult for a person to be both loud and boring.


6. The Moderator

Taking a slightly subtler approach to making visitors feel unwelcome, the Moderator maintains an air of superiority as he bunkers down each day on a particular site's comment section or message board for another 16-hour stint as archivist-in-residence.
He's the cool kid - the site vet who's been around for a long time and knows what's what. Leave a message that repeats something someone else said 16 months ago, and he'll let you know about it within minutes.

'Um, yeah, Newbie0314, we talked about that back when NeverTouchedAWoman24 brought the subject up last May. But thanks for contributing, lol.'
Treating the forum as his own private gated community, the (self-appointed) Moderator ensures each discussion is safe and pure. He will treat any commenter who has fewer than 200 messages to his name as an undocumented invader who doesn't deserve a spot on his beloved forum. All of this, we assume, from the comfort of his parents' spare room.