jamf
08-16-2010, 05:09 PM
Being 47 with two small children, I can say - 32 days? pfffff. Standing on my head, watching porn and tying a string around my balls, I could do that easy.
At 25, yes - I can understand that 32+ days may seem like a lifetime. It's not.
What is a problem, as so many have noted, is not the lack of sex but the basic lack of communication going on. What that says to me is, rather than a drought of physical intimacy, you are really suffering through a drought of emotional intimacy. Just like physical intimacy, emotional intimacy also comes and goes. Not everyday can have the emotional high of our young love. Just as the excitement of a “first few dates” wanes so does the early “exploratory/sharing” phase of a relationship. It is then that the real work begins and, hopefully, you have laid the groundwork for it. Simply put, it’s easy to be “friends & lovers” when it feels good – it requires real love, however, to do so when the feelings occasionally wane.
To me, true love is not an emotion or feeling. It is not “warm fuzzies”. It’s a choice. And, it’s work. That’s why I hope you have already laid the groundwork for getting past this.
Our priest during pre-marriage counseling once explained marital love to me as this: There will be days you wake up and look over at your wife and say "I have no feelings whatsoever for this person" (Not, “I hate her” or “Boy she pisses me off” – but just days where her existence or non-existence simply doesn’t matter to you). Hopefully, those days will be few, but, when they happen (and they will), you have a choice to make – Do I still love this person? Even though I am feeling nothing, do I still want to be with this person?
[Believe it or not, she will face these same choices b/c, no matter what you do, and disregarding the fairy tales, you are not supercalifragilistically amazing 24/7. When you do not interest her physically or emotionally, she, too, has the same choice to make.]
If, when confronted with this “I just don’t care about you” mind-set (or its multiple varieties), you and she can choose to love each other still, you have a chance for a truly special marriage.
Right now, she seems to be going through one of these emotionally fallow phases.
Some have suggested you need to take the Dr. Phil approach – “How are you feeling? What are you feeling?” etc. Others have suggested the “Put up, or shut up” approach. Me, I am in the middle. It is important to understand her feelings – even if the feeling is “go away”, because only then can you react appropriately. However, you absolutely have the right to know why she is feeling emotionally distant from you. Even if her answer is “I don’t know”, as long as it’s the honest answer, then you can work on it.
She is your wife and you are her husband. She has a right to her feelings. You have a right to know them. It’s pretty much that simple.
Demand the time to talk to her and make time to do so. Sit down with her, remind her of the choice you made and the choice she made when you each said “I do”. The choice was to love each other – even when you didn’t feel like doing so. Communicate honestly. Find out what she is feeling and require her to be honest about it. Respond honestly to her statements. No simple answers allowed from either of you. The only way the marriage is over is if either one of you are not willing to put the work into it that you promised to do when you took your vows. If either you or she will not fulfill those promises, then, and only then, is the marriage doomed.
It’s your (plural) marriage. It’s your (plural) problem. Only the two of you can identify the problem. Only the two of you, together, can work past it.
Trust me, there have been many days in my 10+ year marriage when I looked at my wife and said - "I just wish she wasn't here" or "I wish I was anywhere else but with her". Each time this happens, I remember that it was my choice to be with this woman and that I made that choice freely and with good reason. Each time, she and I, together, have chosen to work past these times. Ultimately, I have never regretted that original choice and, each time we have made it through one of these rough patches, I realize my love for her is deeper and our marriage stronger. It’s not the stuff of fairy tales. It is, however, the best stuff of reality.
Work at it son. If she truly loves you, it is worth the effort.
Post of the year!
At 25, yes - I can understand that 32+ days may seem like a lifetime. It's not.
What is a problem, as so many have noted, is not the lack of sex but the basic lack of communication going on. What that says to me is, rather than a drought of physical intimacy, you are really suffering through a drought of emotional intimacy. Just like physical intimacy, emotional intimacy also comes and goes. Not everyday can have the emotional high of our young love. Just as the excitement of a “first few dates” wanes so does the early “exploratory/sharing” phase of a relationship. It is then that the real work begins and, hopefully, you have laid the groundwork for it. Simply put, it’s easy to be “friends & lovers” when it feels good – it requires real love, however, to do so when the feelings occasionally wane.
To me, true love is not an emotion or feeling. It is not “warm fuzzies”. It’s a choice. And, it’s work. That’s why I hope you have already laid the groundwork for getting past this.
Our priest during pre-marriage counseling once explained marital love to me as this: There will be days you wake up and look over at your wife and say "I have no feelings whatsoever for this person" (Not, “I hate her” or “Boy she pisses me off” – but just days where her existence or non-existence simply doesn’t matter to you). Hopefully, those days will be few, but, when they happen (and they will), you have a choice to make – Do I still love this person? Even though I am feeling nothing, do I still want to be with this person?
[Believe it or not, she will face these same choices b/c, no matter what you do, and disregarding the fairy tales, you are not supercalifragilistically amazing 24/7. When you do not interest her physically or emotionally, she, too, has the same choice to make.]
If, when confronted with this “I just don’t care about you” mind-set (or its multiple varieties), you and she can choose to love each other still, you have a chance for a truly special marriage.
Right now, she seems to be going through one of these emotionally fallow phases.
Some have suggested you need to take the Dr. Phil approach – “How are you feeling? What are you feeling?” etc. Others have suggested the “Put up, or shut up” approach. Me, I am in the middle. It is important to understand her feelings – even if the feeling is “go away”, because only then can you react appropriately. However, you absolutely have the right to know why she is feeling emotionally distant from you. Even if her answer is “I don’t know”, as long as it’s the honest answer, then you can work on it.
She is your wife and you are her husband. She has a right to her feelings. You have a right to know them. It’s pretty much that simple.
Demand the time to talk to her and make time to do so. Sit down with her, remind her of the choice you made and the choice she made when you each said “I do”. The choice was to love each other – even when you didn’t feel like doing so. Communicate honestly. Find out what she is feeling and require her to be honest about it. Respond honestly to her statements. No simple answers allowed from either of you. The only way the marriage is over is if either one of you are not willing to put the work into it that you promised to do when you took your vows. If either you or she will not fulfill those promises, then, and only then, is the marriage doomed.
It’s your (plural) marriage. It’s your (plural) problem. Only the two of you can identify the problem. Only the two of you, together, can work past it.
Trust me, there have been many days in my 10+ year marriage when I looked at my wife and said - "I just wish she wasn't here" or "I wish I was anywhere else but with her". Each time this happens, I remember that it was my choice to be with this woman and that I made that choice freely and with good reason. Each time, she and I, together, have chosen to work past these times. Ultimately, I have never regretted that original choice and, each time we have made it through one of these rough patches, I realize my love for her is deeper and our marriage stronger. It’s not the stuff of fairy tales. It is, however, the best stuff of reality.
Work at it son. If she truly loves you, it is worth the effort.
Post of the year!